WHO AM I?

If only I could let you know how I used to be, what kind of person I was only three years ago, in fact, about a year ago, if someone had told me I would be doing what I am now, I would never have believed them. I am not one of these people here to make you feel bad about yourself,  actually quite the opposite. Just because I have been able to do a few things in life, does not give me the right to make you feel like you can do it too? I have miles to go to be the person I want to be, and to be honest, I doubt I will ever get there, but I am not saying never.

If you are going through absolute hell right now in your life, if you have suffered in the past and are suffering because of your ghosts, and if you live in fear, but are too afraid to die, I am here to help you as much as I can.

Why?

 Because I have been through all of that and I am still in  a lot of ways living like that.

If you read my blogs to chuckle/smile, I am grateful to you. Why? Because to make people smile even for a second a day, is my dream. To know you are not alone even though the dark nights are with us, I want to tell you that spring is on its way then summer, closely followed by Autumn, that could be the start of feeling gloomy again as then there is winter and all of the problems that can  cause. But guess what? The winter we are in now, and the winter next year and please God many more winters, I want to be here for you, with you , for me!

One day I want to write my autobiography as there are stories in there that really will shock you. Will make you realise, that my life has been a real life horror movie, a devastating disaster, A dream lifestyle and stories that you will find incredulous to except. Through the tunnel I am travelling, but the tunnel must come to an end. If you can imagine every scenario in life, good and bad, I bet you I have been there? For my age, I have lived the life of seven lives, not quite as many as a cat, but I have caught mice, been chased by  dogs and drank the milk to see the days at their end. I have lived life to the edge many of a time and to think of my very simplistic lifestyle now, it is hard for anyone to imagine, I only  can think of me doing such a  life, because I did it. This absolute coward dived into life’s swimming pool, drowned but was saved. If you need help right now, hold  out your hand and I will pull you to the safest place I can find.

I’m far from perfect I’m not a God, I’m a terrified person, who is being pushed in life by you. If I can do it first, then I want to show you how perhaps, when you are ready, you also can follow in my pathway.

Think of our trip, like a mystery tour?

The corner is near, and together we will walk around it and face whatever is waiting for us.

I am exhausted the past couple of weeks, because of my training with my new guide  dog. Such a small task. But for my mind to go here, and my body to move, is a miracle. Miracles do happen. From the floor to the door, is where I am now.

Four years ago I reached the lowest I could get. The ground opened up and swallowed me up, but thank God, someone dug me out and slowly, I am getting on my feet. There will be days, when I head down there again? This is why I struggle every second of the day with depression. This is why I take those pills and on most nights, cry myself to sleep, or through the day, take myself off to weep pathetically on my own. But then I have days when I know I have a chance. I just need to grab that opportunity with both hands.

I don’t know my future, perhaps sometime this week I will tell you of my future I would love to have?  But how much choice I will have in  getting there, is up to you, me and my life plan.

The map of my life is out there somewhere, someone is reading it now, someone has hold of the driving wheel. All I know is, whoever has it now, I hope they don’t suffer from fatigue and can drive for many miles, until a new driver, who is as kind, safe, and confident, to replace the driver now.

My best friend, my BF the other day, told me my mind was complex. Many people have said that before. I can write in such a way one would think I was taking an English exam, then all of the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors can be found on my page. Other days I write so simplistic, but whatever I  write, is always from my heart. I  write often as many people, as I feel like many people sometimes. I could be a lost soul trapped in a body belonging to a living person, who is possessed by a ghost in another body. I know I worry for five people, I hurt for five people and I love for five people, I also laugh for five people and cry for them too. Some days, I eat for five people, then others I starve.

Who am I? What am I? Someone who is there for you!