HOUSE OF HOPE

 Tonight I feel very selfish. I always want the best for my friends, and yet tonight my heart sinks for what seems to be the death of a past I wish I could relive. Why selfish? Because my friends are happy, very happy, so how dare I feel sad. I should be happy for them. I want them to be happy, an yet still worry if they are. Let me explain. My two friends from America, are tonight on their way to a hotel next to the airport. Tomorrow they will fly to Mexico to start a life that my friend Yam, has dreamed about for two years. How dare I have any sadness in my heart, when she is so happy? When we moved house, they were both so very encouraging and I will never forget how much they helped us. I guess the difference is, they had never been to our last house, but we did go to theirs. My first visit there was just after mine and Hubs wedding day. So from a spell bound day, to a magical place with a perfect potion full of peace and perfection.

As I had never met our wonderful friends, my Hub had, many years before, I had only the knowledge of talking with them over the phone skype and emails. The first day Yam phoned me up, I was not expecting her call. I picked up the receiver, to hear a very jolly voice. A sunny sound came down the line, filling my new heart full of love for my new relationship with my reunited love, with positive energy.

I had been in the dark for so many years. My Hub came into my life and switched on the lamp in the corner of my mind. Just by communication with each other by email and phone. Then, when Hub and I met face to face, I could have blown up the city with an electrical force, being so different to each other, drew us together and we linked from a past we know not.

I had the love from my Husband and Son, but Yam was different too. So she added to the force of energy.

She told me I could. She complimented me in how I wrote to her and my poetry. She believes in me. I missed that in life. My parents were suffocated and lived only, to get  me sight, they had no time for positivity, also  I know now, my Mum suffered with serious depression, so how she could have been positive for me, I really don’t know.

Yam took that roll on. We met for the first time at the airport in the US. We met my adorable Dd, who so much reminded me of my own Dad, even down to the way in which he walked and guided me. There was something about his aura that I found so comforting, so right, so happy to be with that lovely family.

At the airport, there was also Yams sister Jean. Her name is Gloria Jean, same as my aunt G. She was an attractive lady so sweet and I really drew to her kind fun way. And Jeans Husband. Now x…

From our first Hug, Yam told me how beautiful I was. I for sure didn’t feel it. A long journey. She kept saying how good I smelled too. And then after that, about my writing. Of course, there are many times I take her compliments but don’t believe her. I think she is just being nice. Kind. But as I got to know Yam better, I found out she doesn’t bull.

So OK, she is one person who believed in me. Then my friend from Russia, dear Olga. But I didn’t and still don’t believe in myself and for sure don’t like myself at all. But what Yam gave me, was happy memories. Experiences I would have never done without her and DD. Like when she took me to an art class. I blogged that some time ago.

I went swimming for the first time in about fifteen years with Yam. I felt as though I belonged. I for a short time had a family. I loved that time. We pulled up to the house and it was home.

It was a big cuddle and a gentle kiss. A warm blanket and a comfortable chair. Their house was a palace. The surroundings were and are magnificent.

I with Hub and Teen revisited my house of hope and the second visit, was the same. Great. Perfect.

I picture my teen in the bedroom they made for him and us all sitting on the comfortable sofa’s and around the dining table, listening to the TV and chit chatting.

Now it’s empty, the furniture has all gone and the ghost of the wonderful clock of Dd’s, ticks on, echoing in an empty house, once full of laughter, love and life.

The doors are locked, there’s no turning back for anyone.

So I’m selfish, because I want those days back. The days when I was oblivious to the hours, days, weeks that I will be apart from my Husband. The days I was oblivious to the fact that my Mother in law, whom I got on so well with, was not going to be in our lives for much longer. The days I remained oblivious to the fact that my Son, my Darling child, would grow up, resenting everything I did for him.

But life must go on, as for Yam and DD, I do worry about their health, as what they had in America, was state of the art. In Mexico, though the Doctors are so wonderful they don’t have the medicine the US has. DD is in his eighties and has cancer and Yam has a really bad back and hip. I just worry they won’t get the necessary help they need.

I worry that it’s just too much for them this move, as I know it killed Hub and I and me in particular, as Hub was away leading up to the big move for us.

I know the people in Mexico will welcome them, as Mexican people are wonderful, of course there are some we all knew of on our news, who are not to be admired, and these people worry my Husband, but in general, they are lovely and there are loads of people living at this part of Mexico, who are x pats.

So tomorrow, they will head to the sun. A new life. A new adventure and of course if this makes them happy, then we are delighted for them, as this is important to us. But, whilst I fight to forget my sad past, I can’t let go easily of my happy past.

I just pray, DD and Yam have their hearts warmed and souls kissed. X