I CAN'T STAND IT

It’s no good. I stayed up till three this morning, it’s now quarter to five in the morning and I can not see the point of lying in bed tossing and turning, feeling more sick by the minute and getting so stressed and won up that I get pains in my heart. I am in knots. I just can not relax/chill! I live in a life of constant dental appointments and gynaecological tests, well ok, I don’t but that is what it is like, that dreaded/dreading feeling. Just wishing everything was O.K and safe, calm and happy?

My Husband text me hours ago, seems like another lifetime it’s been that long. He told me he was devastated as he has lost his kindle. When he got his bags checked at the airport, from Baltimore to L.A, it must not have been put back in his bag. His kindle keeps him in a better frame of mind, as he spends hours in transit, just sitting around waiting, a bit like me, my life is in constant turmoil, just sitting waiting for news of his next stage in life?

I think in the seven nights he has been away, I have had about thirty hours sleep max.

I feel like I have a monster eating away at my insides. How beautiful it would be to live near the ocean, to hear the sea sounds and smell the salt. Being kept warm by the person who loves you most? Knowing each other is there every day, or at least every sleep?

Hub and I knew each other at school. We were both six when we met. We were at the same boarding school, so away from our parents, so like many of us at school then, we clung onto each other like brothers and sisters, but Hub and  I had something special between us and he was my boyfriend till we were twelve and the cruelty of secondary school, split us up, for what seemed forever.

It was only the determination and kindness of an old school pal from our first school, who had the idea of organising a reunion that brought us together after twenty eight years.

That person saved my life, and I am eternally grateful to her.

I was in a dreadful marriage. A cruel one, strangled by fear and imprisonment. I only went out of the house to collect my Son from school! Each time I stepped out of the front door, I felt as though I was walking on a tightrope. My x had me a jibbering wreck. I had no self belief, no hope and no future. I was as low as the floor and still have huge effects because of those dreadful twenty four years. But one year, I was contacted by a person from guide dogs and asked if I would like to go to the reunion from my old school? I had declined the year before, but I had it in my mind that I was going to start and live. I had made arrangements to leave my x by the Christmas and was just waiting for conformation of a place to live. Far away where he could not touch me or my Son.

To cut a long story short, I looked on the website and read some of my old friends’ stories, who were coming to the reunion. It was for sure a blast from the past?

Then the name came up on the screen. Oh my God, that name? I never could or would forget that person and I wrote to him a simple email saying do you remember me, Fiona Cummings from school?

He wrote back

“Remember you? I have never forgotten you; you were the love of my life!”

My heart stopped. I died, and was born again.

We talked for hundreds of hours on the phone and sent emails by the score. That first phone call was really funny, as I had not heard his voice since he was a boy, now was a man. A posh sounding man too! He spoke such beautiful English So fine and educated, but at school, he was always the brain of the class!

How we eventually met, is a story and a half.

But four months after first contact, we were living together and thirteen months later we were married.

We missed so much of our life together, and I know our friends thought we were a little on the impulsive side, but we had waited too many years, and now we are together, we are hours away from each other and thousands of miles.

How can that be right?

So now I spend hours on my own just waiting.