FACING THE DARKNESS

I was born to parents who wanted me so badly, little did they know, after having me, their lives would be full of pain.? When I was a year old, My parents took me to the Doctors to inform them that they thought there was something wrong with my sight, but because my eyes looked fine they dismissed her. She told them time and time again, that I dropped toys and could not find them again. They said in a rather condescending manner, that she was neurotic and I was just a lazy child.

After lots of trips to various medics, they had to admit that I had a eye condition, called Retinitis Pigment tosa and I would be blind by the age of thirteen. My Mum was horrified in the way the nasty Doctor delivered the news.

My poor parents could not have their own child and adopted me, after being turned down twin babies as one of them had a skin complaint. They got me instead. In their words, “A beautiful baby girl, with blue eyes and gold hair.

Not once in  my life, did they say that they wished that they got the baby with the skin trouble. Even though for many years she took  me around the world to try to find a cure.

I went to the baths in Lourdes that was a very traumatic experience, a story for another day, or in time, my autobiography, I hope? I went through horrendous trips and ending up in the U.S.S.R in the days of core communism. “The iron curtain as it was unlovingly known as.

I suffered the worst conditions known to man out there. Had pain, cruelty and extreme treatment, leading to a stability for my eyesight.

My whole life was based on being able to see I was not allowed to go to a sighted school though and ended up in a boarding school for the blind, where I had/have the best friends possible but the house staff had a lot to be desired and the coldness of the nights, when I just wanted my Mum and Dad were so painful. I was not allowed to learn Braille, as the Doctors in Russia, said that was for blind people and I was not blind and never would be.

After over 20 years of going to Russia, it became like my second home. I was in a very odd country, a distant country, a fearful country an yet a place I felt at home. Anywhere would do me as long as I was with my Mum. I had to visit Russia every six months for up to six weeks. of harsh treatment.

So much went on in the  former Soviet Union but that is for a book, rather than a blog.

For me Russia was an escapism. The only place  my Mum was at peace, knowing she was in her mind, helping her daughter to see. It was an escape from

 the media, press at my parents door almost every week pushing their cameras at our windows and chasing me down the street as a child I attempted to play as a normal child would?

 My parents lives were in constant turmoil. They had may be two holidays in their life with me and always worried  about money. My Dad worked so very hard every shift down the coalmines. He had a dreadful time of it in conditions that  were horrendous. He worked with only four foot between him and the coalface. So he crawled cutting coal, with a heavy machine. A nasty job he did till one day, the pit caved in on him and he almost lost his life.

Money really did run dry and my parents’ ended up in so much debt. When my Mum died, there was £75,000 in the red in her name. I had to stop going to Russia against my Mums wishes, but I was a adult and I could not take any more. Though I am so grateful to my parents, as I was allowed to see the beautiful face of my baby boy, but just before his first birthday, it all went wrong!

Cutting a very long story short, that dooms day came when I not long had had my new born baby, my now teen.

I went to bed on that day thanks to the treatment in Russia, I had read a  magazine, watch the television, saw to my Son and cleaned the house, admiring the newly bought daffodils in the small crystal vase on the windowsill. The night was of a normal sunny, summers eve. My Husband got up very early the next day for work.

I woke to the birds in the garden singing, through a half opened window, allowing in the fresh warm air. There was no rain forecast, an yet it was so very dull. No, then I realised it was more than dull, what was happening? I went to the window and heard the traffic passing by, children going to school, our neighbours dog barking and someone cutting their grass?

I said out loud

“This is not  normal?” I went to turn on the light, looked up to the ceiling and there was nothing. I thought that the electric had gone off, “Perhaps there was a storm coming?” I went to look at the clock radio, to see the orange glow of the time, but of course, there was no electric, so that would not work. I had my baby’s bottle to warm up and I worried how I would do that?

It could not have been through the night, as my husband had gone to work, he kissed me goodbye before he left and he left at half past six and it was light then? I did not know what was going on. I went to  the phone and there was a tone. I put on the radio, it worked, so the electric was on, so I then thought that our clock radio was broken. I put down the phone, went to the window again, I then gulped as reality kicked in. It was the end of the world. Oh my God I was afraid. Some nuclear war had occurred? Hand to my chest, I picked up the phone again to see if my parents were ok? I rang their number, struggling not being able to see the dial to do the numbers, my Mum answered and I said

“Mum, are you ok?”

“Of course,” She replied.

“Mum, what is the weather like at your place?” She replied

“It’s a beautiful sunny day darling!” Then laughed as I lived only two miles from her so my weather should be the same?

I replied

“Mum, it’s so dark here. My lights don’t work and I cannot get the numerals on my clock to work. I can not even see my hand mum? Just then my baby woke up. I waited for an answer from my Mum. There was nothing. Just silence. Oh I thought now my phone does not work?

“Mum? Mum?” I panicked shouting her name, shivering with shattered realisation.

I had lost my sight.

Oh my God…