THE BATTLE OF BLINDNESS BY FIONA CUMMINGS

Oh God, I’m back. That was really hard and my heart is pounding. I take about one hour to calm down and throughout the day I have flashbacks of my day

Pathetic. I know the more I do it the better I will be. My friend tells me this and I trust her I know she is right, but it’s the getting used to it I have problems with.

Heart beating at a rate I was not comfortable with, just to go to the bus stop. I made sure Wagga went to the toilet before leaving the house. Having to fight off little old Black beauty, as lately she has so wanted to work for me. Bless her. She did it on and off for ten years, OK, towards the last five years, more off than on, but still she remembers and can’t understand why now, I am taking a new dog.

She soon forgot about guiding me though when I showed her a biscuit.

Then suddenly, any dog could take me, even the dogs across the road, the Pit bulls.

Food has always ruled my BB.

So, harness on, leash and key in door. There was no turning back. I even did something rather stupid and something I would not recommend, I went out without a mobile. A long story why.

The door opened. The warm December air met me. It was sunny and to be honest, like an early October morning.

Though it was not cold, I still could smell the wood burners in the air. I listened for sounds like builders, cars moving, plastic bags rattling maybe blocking the pathway, but nothing, just a person in a garden. Which person and where exactly, was not clear to me at that point.

As soon as I stepped down from the doorstep, rocking as it does, as it’s another thing that needs fixing here, Waggatail started to sniff. I told myself that she was picking up on my nerves, so I would be calm and trust her. Big mistake

She walked half way up a drive before I computed that we were not on the right track. Oh I was furious. OK, I have to go through every step with her. Oh my Husband is so lucky, with our Long Chops, you can talk as you are walking and laugh, nothing bothers LC and you know you are going to be safe.

I felt sick as soon as she made the mistake, I wanted to come home, but when she makes an error, I get so dizzy. The path jumps up to meet with me and the clouds fall in front of my face, even to the point I loss all feeling in my feet, for the ground is no longer below me and I feel the closeness of the sky blowing on my face.

It’s awful.

I don’t hear properly either, so become totally disoriented.

Deep breath and carry on.

Passing the person in the garden. Knowing I was being watched didn’t help.

At this point, I wanted to quit. I wanted to send my Guide dog back and just become a recluse. I did it for so many years, why not again?

If I wasn’t a dog/animal lover, I would have given Wagga back some months ago. About nine.

But I love her, and I really know inside that no other blind person would put up with her. I mean, she is so naughty when people come to the house, she cries all day even now, she has been out and I on return gave her her toys, so she has ran around the house for ages with her things. Now I have took them from her, as really she goes wild, and teases poor old BB and she doesn’t slow down. You could take her for a five mile walk, and she still would have so much energy.

I have never ever had a dog like her. And I must have had about a dozen dogs in my life. ten of them pets. two guide dogs.

 Then the feeling in my feet came back. I could feel the undulating concrete where last year’s bad winter has brought the routes from trees into the pavements and roads.

By this point, I was not sure if I was on the path or road. Oh God. My Husband and any other normal blind person, would stop, feel with their foot for the kerb and be calm.

Me?

Panic.

Thank God, Wagga walked me too close to the bush and I got my Barings. I turned left and thanked God as if I had of, been on the road, at that point I would have been on the bigger road where the busses trucks and other vehicles drive.

I passed my favourite sign of the electric box. It makes a rather helpful noise. Then over the man whole that rattles when crossing. All the easy signs to know where I am.

I went down the first kerb onto the next street and prayed that Wagga would keep streight and not onto the busy road. We went forward. I heard the sounds of the zoo with all the little monkeys screaming with delight of having their freedom in their playground.

Now there was a person coming towards me. I clam up again. He/she passed me by, thank God. Then I had to remember exactly where the tactile was to cross. You know, in places like Japan, tactile stretches the  whole length of the path, in the UK, they spare us a foot here where I live, so  you have to walk right on the edge of the pavement, near the passing cars, to feel it. If I were to cross anywhere else, it would all go wrong. Waggatail did her usual thing. She turned too quickly. I was going to trust her and cross there, but thought more and decided not to. I think she doesn’t like walking on tactile, as she always stops too soon. She literally was about six inches/18cm from the correct crossing.

“Few” that was the next big sign. Crossed over and of course she tried to walk towards Museum gardens…

I turned her left and asked her to find the bus stop.

She at this point seemed to be focussed. She turned right like I said and wow, had she found it?

No, not quite. But she did find me a bicycle.

“OK Wagga, you won’t be getting your Mummy on a bike, so jog on!”

Then I wondered if the bike was fastened/locked to the post? Then typical a flipping bus turned up.

Oh God, I don’t’ want him to think I am waiting for him. I don’t want to be looked at by all the passengers.

Thank God, he drove on and I reversed and we did the last bit again. This time, she turned right and I felt for the bus stop. I hate doing things like that, I hate looking as though I can’t see. I know you may laugh saying that I have a blooming guide dog, but people always ask if I am working for guide dogs rather than needing one. Haha haha.

I am my worst enemy.

I could feel my face getting more red. I had come this far, just find the post Waggs?

Well on the third attempt, she did and all along, she was about a foot from it. See, she always turns too soon, just a few seconds too soon.

I told her what a good girl and gave her a gravy bone.

They are tiny, just in case you are imagining me feeding Waggatail an enormous bone from the butchers, with meat and blood still on it. Hahaha.

Well now time to reverse it all.

God!!!

On the way back I was followed by a child on a tiny bike. The ones with the noisy annoying wheels. He/she was right behind me all the way. I wanted them to pass me I hoped the Mother would have more sense and take over. As especially when I stood to one side.

Well at last the child went passed but no mother?

I am not joking, the bike was definitely being driven and it was for a four year old. It was too small even for a tiny Mother.

So a child of that age, was out of school, on their bike by themselves? I knew as well it was a child, because on one of the roads, I cross streight, next to the side busy road. The child, turned further up the street, so a safer place obviously being told that was better as at the edge of the road, cars swerve in.

Then they crossed the busy road and on they went. God, where was the Mother/Father/adult?

I worry about the one I don’t talk about and he is sixteen.

So a few obstacles and we got home.

I don’t know how I feel right now.

I mean, if I hadn’t of gone, I would now have felt so bad. I did it and I am shaking still. So I guess I feel better for doing it, but if I could see, I would not have to have this painful stress. I can’t see, so have to carry on with the battle of blindness.