WIRES ALL WRONG

A cup of coffee sits on the table next to me. With each sip, I think deeper into how I could possibly change my life? The steam rises and I must admit the comfort from the warmth on this drab day number 217, is sum what comforting! With that and the hug from the thick devilish chocolate bar, which gives me love an yet kills me at the same time, so I guess killing me with kindness comes to mind?

I know I should have got on the treadmill? I know I should have started the ironing and gone to the shop for milk? But I just can’t. Not yet, I am sure I will find the strength to go to the shop and then get on the mill? Later perhaps? Or will I not and go to bed tonight a complete failure again? Not achieving what the world wants me to do?

What do I, want to do? What would I, like to do in life?

By now the fragrance from the delicious coffee is making my head feel at home and my heavy heart more relaxed. But soon that last sip will go and then I shall have to  move from this seat, to where? Another seat, in a different room?

I feel like I drag my Husband down with me. I feel like I want to live life through my sixteen year old Son.

I feel like rubbish. Having received this letter today via email,

Dear baby girl. I love you so much. Again. My feelings for you are that of a mother for her daughter. I want only happiness and joy for you. I wish you peace in your life and in your heart. I want you to be free of worry.

I am so happy that you are finally going on a trip with your Hub. I think it will do you good. And never, and I do mean never, feel that you are inadequate to anyone. Not you’re Husband, or any of those other people you will meet on this trip. You are one of the most intelligent people I have had the great honor to meet. You are witty, you are bubbly, and you are able to carry on a conversation with the best of them. You are you. And there is not another like you in the whole wide world. You are unique, you are special. I am so glad you came into my life. I feel happy when I am with you. You make me smile when reading all your writings. And yes, you know I am still collecting all those wonderful poems. I promise you that we will indeed publish your book.

Now, I will stop with the sermon. I just need for you to know you the way everyone else knows you. As the artist said, you have a gift for decorating - and that is but one gift of many.

Love you, baby girl, more than you will ever know.

xxxxx

 So how lovely was that? I am lucky enough to receive letters like that about once a fortnight from about four people I know and am close to, my Hub tells me lovely things all the time, so now tell me, how do I tell my brain that? How does one start to feel good about themselves?

There is not a day goes by, when I don’t wake to the thoughts about how much I really really hate myself. Not one night do I close my eyes and feel good about what I have done through that day? Even if I have been told I have helped someone. You see, if I so call help someone, I don’t think I am? I just am me to others and do what I feel will be better for them?

There is nothing special about that! I am so not special.

I am really losing the love and respect of my one and only child. Gaining the respect of my Step daughter which is good of course, but if this Mother hen cannot look after the eggs in her own basket, how can she look after others?

Yet another really hurtful text from my Son. He is at school sent me a text telling me how I am losing him, telling me he will be at his girls tonight until he, is ready to come home, and telling me all the lovely things/food her Mother has bought him for tea?

     I can’t get through to him that money is not love. When poor Bunches gets in from school tonight, no one will be there for her. Her Mum is not in till later tonight. I have always been there for teen, but obviously, another mistake.

One thing I prided myself on was being a good Mum. Now, I get told what I have done wrong in his life

You know the old adage? “A daughter is a daughter for life; a Son is a Son until he meets his wife?”

Well, teen says he has met his wife.

My Hub pointed out to me last night, he / my Teen, has my genes poor soul. I asked what did he mean?

He told me that I am totally dedicated to him and it eats me up when he is away, Teen is the same with Bunches. He can’t focus on life anything in life, unless it involves her.

Like beyond normality. OK so we are not normal, I could have told Hub that one, he is right though; when he is away I think about his every move, it is really not normal? Other people would get on with life, living, I just can’t? He is my right arm and I am right handed.

I need a life. A change of heart and mind. I need to harden up and most of all I need a family. I have realised the only thing that will really make me happy in life, is to be an author. To write books. To be there through my words for people. To be acknowledged for what I can do, for who I am, not by my name but by my achievements and this is why my “Blogget family” are so important to me!

How does one find a spark in life? Where is my spark? My wires have been tangled forever, I need a metaphorical electrician.

 So today is a black day in the Fi household, but it is a young day and a  lot can happen? A visitor later so we shall see? x