I have been asked to write
something by a friend of mine. He says he often closes his eyes and thinks what
it would be like for me. As I said to him, thank God, he can open them again,
but how would he feel if he couldn’t?
How would he feel if he could not
see his children’s faces?
My Hub brought a lump to my
throat today, or now should I say yesterday? It followed the event where we
could not go somewhere where I really
wanted to go. Somewhere I really had rather been excited all week about doing
and going. We couldn’t as it would be quite deer for taxis and when we got
there, we would need showing around and of course we had no one to do that.
A man got in his car as Hub and I
were sitting on our lovely post box red bench in the front garden. The engine
started and Hub turned to me and said,
“If only people knew, just how
lucky they were to be able to do that?”
It was the way in which he said
it. I felt so sad. There were no words to
say to him. I mean, what could I
say?
I guess Hub knows my X was
sighted and had a car, could take me anywhere I wanted to go and guide me. He
can’t do that, but what he can, do, is give me light in my dark world.
Something my X could not do.
My friend asked me to explain
what I see. Well, the answer is nothing. As though looking through a tight
tunnel that goes on forever. I tell you though, I see more than my Hub, as he
has never seen, what I do is when I am talking to someone, or sitting in a
park, I try to see things in my minds eye.
As though wearing contact lenses.
So the image is on the inside of my eye? Does that make sense to you?
I guess it is like when you
dream. You see things, well I do that so being blind, is not so drab and
depressing.
I try to see colours and happy
faces when I am talking to friends, but the funny thing is, I see how I did
when I was partially sighted. So if I am thinking of a face, I see a tiny bit
of the face at a time. I put the face together in my mind, like a jigsaw, then
think about it and it is as though taking a picture/photograph and I see it all
together.
I don’t know what my poor Hub
sees. I guess for him, it is like looking out of your ear. What do you see out
of your ear? Nothing, it is like saying
what do you see out of your leg?
Nothing of course.
Your eyes are the windows to your
brain. Your windows can be steamed up, dirt on some and you look through the
gaps. Or foggy/misty.
Or they can have heavy curtains
there, in red, peach, or whatever colour that particular blind person sees? I
mean every blind person is different.
Just like people in wheelchairs all have different things wrong with them. They
may have a bad/painful back? Then may be in agony right down their legs, they
may have no feeling in their legs at all? If you are deaf, you may hear a
little amount, or hear a loud buzzing in your ear, or hear nothing at all.
Me personally, I see memories and
thank God I have those
The very first time I was
reunited with my now husband after too long, he walked in my front door at my
old house and I melted like ice cream on a summer’s day.
I could not see him. I knew by
his voice, he was slightly taller than me, I loved his voice. A man with such a
voice could not be ugly. The way his footsteps on my wooden floor walked in,
was truly amazing. He took my hand and I saw for the first time in too long. When
we shared our first kiss, I knew his lips were just perfect. He can stand in
front of me and I know he is handsome. I remember him from school. He was handsome
then an just added in my mind, some years and had a true beauty.
My girlfriends met him and
confirmed my mind’s eye.
I know when my son is looking in
the mirror as we sit in the kitchen, he was shocked yesterday when I told him
to stop being vane at the table, and he asked how I knew? You just do, their
voices don’t face you. Close your eyes; get someone in the same room as you to talk looking at you then
talking but turning away?
You know the difference. It’s
almost like someone speaking with hands over their mouth. There is a wall
between you and the person when they talk not facing you. The wall is their
head?
When they face you, their mouth
is at the front.
I sit on the red bench in our
front garden. I see nothing. I try not to keep my head still, not wanting
neighbours to think I am staring into their houses? I also know it looks odd,
just keeping your head still, as remember when I could see a bit, looking at my
blind friends, thinking, should I tell them to turn their head from time to
time?
When Hub and I talk to one
another like sitting on the bench, we look at one another, and I am sure that
must look funny to some people, as what do we see?
Answer?
Nothing.
Why do we do it?
To look so called normal, also we
know when we throw a ball, we throw it to someone. So we throw our words to the person we are
talking to.
Sitting outside yesterday, I
could hear in the nearby distance, a children’s birthday party. We thought
there was a bouncy castle and we heard them playing a game, sounded like basketball
to us?
We may have been wrong, but would
have been interesting to see what a sighted person , would have thought?
I could hear someone across the
road, using a hedge strimmer and hear lots of closed car doors, and house
doors. Gates and dogs barking in houses. Obviously looking out of the window?
I could not see the tree in our
front garden, though Hub and I talked about how big it was getting, as we have
tried to reach the top and we can’t.
I can’t see what other gardens
look like. When we bought this house, and looked around other houses, it was a
nightmare?
We moved here as it was near so
many shops and a cinema, a bowling alley and so much more. Well, the shame is,
on Google maps, everything is within a mile. Trying to get there? Is a
nightmare. Not on the bus route and in industrial areas. To walk there? Almost
impossible if not totally impossible. As there are roads here that have no
beeps to cross or tactile. One place we would like to go to, is four roads
which Falk, off leading to a roundabout.
We can’t tell where the cars are
coming from, so can’t cross the roads.
If we had a car? Life would be so
easy, even more helpful, is if of course we had sight?
What do I see when I watch the
television? Nothing, there is nothing there, as though you would watch a radio.
Thank God for audio description.
We are lucky in the UK, we have
that no other countries to my knowledge have audio telly?
My Hubs wonderful colleague and
friend is a pioneer for talking television and is now in the States to receive
an award for his achievements in that field.
Sadly, he is one of the amazing
men who have just been made redundant. This is excruciating, as he was a God
for blind people. I don’t know what we will do now, as we needed people like
him, with his passion and ability to see a future for those without sight and
for him, a person with sight, he was a
gift to us.
When I cook? It is easy now, when
I first lost my sight, OMG? It was a nightmare as I burned myself so much, but
now? No trouble.
I can even make homemade
Yorkshire puddings and pour the mixture into the sizzling hot oil in the tiny
circular dents in the trays.
OK, sometimes my Yorkshires come
out like flying saucers? But taste delicious.
One of my friends found it
fascinating, that I could peal vegetables and not leave peal on? Ha.
How do I iron? By touch. Yep, we
do burn ourselves, but not often.
How do we make love? Well, that
is great; Hub can’t see me thank God?
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