OUT FOR A JOB

I got a shock today, I found out that this year I will be assessed for work. Of course I have the brain to work, but to do what? I had the worst education and spent most of my school life in hospitals. I was told from the very young years not to learn  Braille and was brought up with the knowledge that I had to fight for my sight and blindness was not an option. I went to my awful boarding school until I was fifteen and then left, could not take it any  longer. The pain of seeing my best friend be literally dragged out of the school and a good friend trying to kill herself, was not the ideal life for a fifteen year old.

The cruel life and realisation of the daily life of my particular boarding school, was just a life I no longer  could take and I was rather a passive person.

Then I went to go to  a sighted school, in those days, if you had sight as bad as mine, you just were not welcome into so called normal schools, thank  God things have changed for some schools, but not all.

So as soon as I was sixteen, the legal age I could be before leaving school, I walked out of the door.

I will never forget that day, I felt so cold. So lost and badly guided.

I had rubbish past and a dark future, little did I know, that the darkness of my eye condition, would prevail some years later.

The only thing I knew at the time, was to look good and attract men and that I did.

I was a true beauty school dropout.

I caught the bus, that early summer’s day. Hearing my piers talking about their exams and their fortunate futures. I heard them all shouting to one another about how they were going to meet up. I stood alone and felt so desperately lonely.

Cold and depressed though at the time, I was oblivious to the translation of my feelings.

What was I going to do in life? Where was I going to go?

That night out with another new boyfriend, but after the experience I had not long had with my Russian love, I had no feelings for any men. As far as I  was concerned, they were a pain relief.

Even for some few hours in that day.

By that time in my life, I felt a complete failure. My aging parents were slowly dying and the dark days were coming quicker than I hoped for.

 I, was going nowhere in life. I had been proposed to a few times and said no because  one I was not in love  with them, and two I was too young.

But then my X came along and I said yes to him, because he would help my parents out and as I have said on many blogs, he was a fantastic Son in law.

I had a cruel marriage with lead me nowhere either other than the ground.

I lost the few confidence I had and locked myself away as my X told me on a daily bases, that I was useless. On many occasions the punishments he dealt me, were so sould destroying. I was worthless and still very much so feel like that.

Though I took myself to college and spent six years at the discretion of my X, of him telling me I was wasting my time, I educated myself to know I was not without a brain. I received the highest marks and for myself achieved goals, but when I returned home, I was told I was a joke. There was no one to tell what I had done that day or night, there was no one to say well done.

My bits of paper were shredded and deliberately lost.

My exam results were put down to so called lucky.

So now, I will have to go into the big bad world and look for work and the knowledge of this terrifies me.

My poor Husband so kindly understands me and this for me is amazing, how can he?

He has the best education and gone onto University, achieved so much worldwide and courageously battled with the sighted world in which we live in.

How can he know where I am coming from? How does he understand? Why does  he not think I am pathetic and lazy?

I just don’t get it?

I would love to work. In my past I have phoned organisations and had people come out to my house from organisations that are there to help disabled people to find work. I phoned a helpline and was told to get back to them when I had an education. I had  a woman come to my house and tell me I was the most unindependand person she had ever met and really should “get over myself!” She swore and left my house with me in  floods of tears.

Yes, I was pathetic. I was useless and wanted some help, to get so called  over myself.

Who would help me?

I was then put in contact with someone from the Job centre plus.

He told me I could apply to be a Bingo caller?

This was after he asked me how much I could see, I told him nothing and then he told me to read the jobs in the newspaper he handed me.

 I repeated I could not see anything he  asked me, not even lines?

 I said no, he then offered me another job which you one hundred percent, needed sight for.

He ended up telling me he would keep looking for work for me and that was three years ago.

Thanks to technology, and some help from our Government, I now find myself in a better place, but, to work as what? By the end of the year, I will be expected to be showing progress in the workplace. For this will be the case for all  people who are so called able to work.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be glad to work, to feel normal. To be needed and belong in the society.

But the fear of leaving the house, of getting from a to b, is a very scary prospect.

I have gone probably half my life that is if I live a long life, without working. To ask this of me now is very frightening, but I really want to do it? So I hope I can get over my fears and feel a part of the working life.