Do you ever wish you could turn back time? I don’t really,
as I don’t believe it would be the same and in my case, if I were to turn back
time, though there may have been a rare moment of joy, like for example times I
held my baby so close and truly bonding with him, something the oven that gave
birth to me was so far away from I wanted to give my baby everything I didn’t
have. I never want a child baby, to go through such rejection. Even those times
when my little boy at the time made me so proud happy with whatever he had said
or achieved, I still don’t think I would want to turn the clock back as if I did,
what if I couldn’t come back to this time? And I would have to end the day like
every day in a very sad place. So though there may have been an OK or even good
moment, it never lasted more than half a day.
One thing I would like to go back to though is having my
parents. Though they adopted me when I was only four weeks, I have trades now
in me that I remember they had. Things that I used to dislike, its’ as if their
blood runs through my veins.
I would like to have a Sunday dinner that my Mum cooked. I
wold love to have one of her salads too. No one has ever been able to make a
salad like her. Only after her death did people remark on this. My Sister in
law and my cousin sister of late told me she has tried to copy Mums salad, but
can’t get the taste right and years ago my cousin also said the same. My cousin
now? Where is he? God knows. I miss my
Mum, as for my Mum in laws cooking. She was so homely. I had her company for
only two years before sadly she died.
Right now, the house feels so empty. Hub won’t be home till
after seven as he has had to stay over an hour longer at his place of work. The
trains were all running late and he had to do interviews today so a lot of
people were late for their interviews. Not good but not their fault.
My Son is still out having a lovely time I hope, and my
stomach is complaining and that is a lot of complaints.
I did day or I should say night five and didn’t eat before
bed. I weighed myself this morning and really, I have gained one and a half lbs.
I could cry, but I came downstairs and I have done more around the house and
garden than I have for a long time. Could this be because I’m fitter inside?
Hmm. Or is it me telling myself that, to compensate for my gain? Either way, it’s
so soul destroying when you feel you have done the right things for five days
and you put weight on. I would have been OK if I had stayed the same. I will weigh
myself again at the weekend. Our scales kitchen and bathroom talk and I am beginning
to hate the voice in my bathroom scales.
So as the night closes its curtains the sun has gone to bed
the air is getting damp and my house has gone cold. I’m hungry and missing my
Mum and in law. I wish I couldn’t turn back time but bring them back. Have a
huge kitchen and all my loved ones around the table. My Hub our three children,
Hubs brothers, Dad and my brother sister in law and our nieces and nephews. Because
they would be back with us, it would be a celebration too so my dearest
friends, I have only six close friends so a nice number. Our table would host
about 26. The food would be the best. Our kitchen would be of thick pine wood
and so warm. There would be busy laughter and joy.
If only time could stay still? But then I wouldn’t be closer
to may be one day being able to see. Gosh, I really hope in just a couple of
years from now my blogs are writing about me getting ready to have the new
treatment? And in five years telling you what I have seen that day. How new it
is how pretty or ugly it is and just what colours have inspired me that day. So
I wouldn’t be writing blogs about me taking someone out in our town with a
swipe from my right shoulder or mistaking a dreadful coat and expressing how I
felt about the design of what the mannequin was wearing to learn it was a lady?
I wouldn’t be walking
into a bank wondering why I couldn’t smell the baking of pies. And all of those
stupid things you have known me to do.
But I also wouldn’t be telling you how I fell on our road
and hurt myself that day perhaps walking into a half opened door or banging my
face off the corner of a kitchen worktop as I bent over. How I felt as someone I
was reading about today, how did he put it? Incarcerated?
I could tell you all about my driving lesson. Oh heck. Can
you imagine? Well, that would make a few interesting blogs. I could tell you
how pretty our girls looked and explain how I felt seeing my Son smile. I so
miss little things like that. OK, I can hear him laughing, but a smile? It’s
silent. Times when I wonder if my Son is happy, I can’t see an expression. I ask
him, he tells me he is happier than he has ever been. But to see that on his
face? To see delight excitement in his eyes? To see what colour paint is on my
walls? That would be funny, I get sight back and I look at my house how I have
it now. How I will want it when I see the colours.
I wonder if half if not more of my clothes will be put in a
bin bag? To feel them they are nice, to see them?
To open a cupboard and pick what I want out rather than to shake,
feel and guess?
I just miss yellow. I miss that yolky sun. I miss the April
greens. I have never ever seen a star. I haven’t even had enough sight to see a
cloud.
To see something in full as I remember I used to see a pin
prick at a time and remember that image then move on to the next bit and
remember that so on and so forth. Then add all the bits up together in my mind
and fix a picture. I don’t’ want to fix the picture but I want to see it ready
made and may be create some artwork?
It’s all about money.
Mainly money. Brains they are scattered all over the world scientists are
working to find that cure or treatment, I just wish they would all get together
and work as one. Things would happen so much faster.
Well, I’m off to make dinner. It’s easy tonight. Homemade
chips, we have one of those fryers they are great take the smallest amount of
oil and bingo. When I have mash or bakes I use a lot of butter but not with
chips. We are having salad and a homemade Pizza. My visitor came and left. He was
interesting.
More tomorrow and I think I need to give you a light blog.
So perhaps some fun tomorrow with Fifi? Smile. X
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