Good day Bloggets. Right now I feel decidedly sick, proud, excited,
hopeful and grateful.
Why?
My Son is now on his driving test. First one. Will he pass
or fail? Well, sick because he has spent so much money on his lessons, his own
money. As I have said before, money we and Olga, his God Mother, gave him, he
has already spent on another. Not himself but another.
I feel sick because I know how important it is to him. All
of his friends have passed, well, they had Fathers and other relatives who
spent time giving lessons and experience to the young lads. He has had the
disability of a blind Mum and Dad.
I feel sick because this is me. In another lifetime. If I could
see, I would be doing my test at eighteen, this is why I am proud because he is
doing what I can’t and never have been able to do. Excited because every kid
wants this, and because it is a day I never thought would happen for him.
Hopeful because without hope, what do we have? And grateful
because when I was planning a child, I was in fear. In fear of cursing my child
with the agony of facing blindness, the hell of reality as I thought of it at
that time. I still don’t know for sure if he has RP, but right now, he is in denial
and after only opticians tests and my constant asking him how he is seeing in
the dark and after listening to him reading, I can only think and hope, his
eyes are Okay. Grateful that he has got
this far in life without sight being an issue. Grateful that as two blind parents,
we have managed to push him through doing what other sighted parents put their
kids through. We do all we can not to pass our disability onto him. He is not
our carer. It’s neither his fault nor ours we can’t see. It has to be up to him
if he helps us or not and because he is kind, he did until two years ago then a
devil stole his heart and turned it to ice. But now it’s thawing again and I
hope the poison in his life will be cured by the medication of success.
I can’t drive with him I can’t smile proudly as I watch him
pull away from the house in the driving instructors car, but in my heart I feel
his own heartbeat and pray to all who hear me he will be OK.
I am almost sure he won’t pass, as he in my opinion hasn’t
had enough lessons or experience. It’s back to feeling sick again and hoping I
can deal with the reaction he will be bringing home.
It’s his eighteenth tomorrow too so what a lovely surprise
it would be to know all the hard work he has done over the past year has been
worth it.
Talking of his birthday I really hope I get the right card
for him, as there are stupidly two in the same box. One for a girlfriend and
one for my Sons eighteenth….
So teddies and keys, or shoes and handbags? Haha.
I have a poster too to hang now will it be the right way up
or not? And going back to his card, I hope not to write over the words.
Remember last year when I couldn’t understand why the
candles didn’t light? I had the blooming things in the wrong way. Bless him; he
was so sweet about it.
I just hate it when things like that go wrong though. I feel
such a failure as a mother.
Okay, I wish right now I had some calms. To relax me? Oh
Gosh, end this day?
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