God & Lawn Care
Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in
the world is going on down there on the planet? What
happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff
I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these
Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing
grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make
grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so
it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off
and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay
more money to water it, so they can continue to mow
it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to
the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a
natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home
and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story
from St. Francis.
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