FUN FRIDAY WITH FI

 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

 

 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

 

 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster

 

 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out

 

 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four

 

35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions.

 

 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did

 

 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt

 

 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here.

 

 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.

 

 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?

 

 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace

 

 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs

 

 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 

 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked

 

 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite

 

6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off

 

 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu