WORDS WITH THE DOG

 What makes you think I want to put my fingers round your horrid slavered covered toy little dog? Why do I want that on my knee or on my lap top? I’m trying to type. So you place your head on my arm. Forbidding me from being able to move my fingers to write anything at all, and abling me to make so many mistakes and pushing keys I had no intention of doing?

 

So you are sitting back now, looking at me with those huge chocolate eyes. Pleading to me for some attention.

 

You are now annoying me but I can’t shout at you, I can’t be cross. You are just too dam cute.  

 

So it’s five in the evening now and you want your dinner? You are pacing back and forward on the wooden floor the sounds of tick tap tick as your claws tap dance on the polished flooring is driving me crazy I told you to lay down, but you have a better idea, you will walk backwards and forwards until my brain can’t stand it any longer and I get from my desk where I am trying to work and will come and feed you. You know after your dinner you will be let out and it’s play time for a short while not long after that, when your dinner settles. So you are so excited. You won’t lie down. You hound me to make play time happen earlier.

 

I can’t do that as you will get a bad stomach. But how to tell you this?

 

You know your Daddy is due in shortly after play time. So no way you will lie down as you so want to see him. I tell you I have played with you, when I went to work, it was your relaxing time, but you don’t understand relax.

 

I fed you so time to lie still for a while. What is still?

 

You have run around but then it’s time to sleep  but your Daddy is due in from work so no way you will and Daddy comes home, and you are so hyper. So happy. A new person to be stroked by and played with and show your wonderful toys, because of course, he must be interested in cold imprinted with tooth marks and dripping in dog   drool toys.

 

Why don’t you tell him you have not been fed he may believe you and feed you again? Do you think we don’t communicate? Nice try.

 

Time to unwind now and watch TV. So this means Mummy and Daddy time.

 

Bed time after one more visit for you to the toilet. I will make sure your bed is tidy and you are going to be comfortable for a good sleep. Lights off you know what that means. No matter how you try to push buttons it won’t work.

 

After breakfast time for a walk to the beach. You scream as we approach it as of course I don’t know where it is, I mean, who made you in charge. Who taught you where it was? Oh yes, me.

 

So scream and scare the fish away to free the entire ocean for you and your four paws why don’t you?

 

I remove your leash and you run free? No, as your nose has now found my pocket. What’s in there? Oh just so happens it’s your ball, what else would I even think about putting in there?

 

Some bags and that isn’t what you want and some treats, well you will get them at the end of your walk and you know that.

 

It’s the ball you want. No, don’t run off with it, don’t even think about that, chase it, bring it back for me, chase it and back to me again as all I want to do today is throw the ball for you. I say, what else is there for your Mummy to do. I can’t for the life of me think of anything more interesting or fun I could possibly want to do with my day.

 

Battle of wills and who can tire first? Well, I have that answer. And it’s not you.

 

Go swim in the sea. Bark whilst in there. As there are some people who may not have noticed you. Go on tell them you are here. As obviously they will want to come and play with you too. Also tell you what a good doggy you are. Love you and admire you. They too have nothing better to do with their day.

 

Home time. Oh what a mess you are in! Time to try to, de-sand your coat. Dry you as you wriggle. Give you fresh water to try to dilute the madness from your system. All that salt you just felt obligated to take in as your mouth opened to cause maximum attention towards yourself.

 

Oh and we don’t forget you just had to pollute. Oh yes. We walked you to the beach through quiet relatively private pathways where there were plenty of doggy doodle bins. But no, it’ wasn’t there you wanted to relieve yourself. It was right in the middle of the sands. Right where you have centre stage.

 

I can’t leave anything lying around. Nothing that’s edible.

Why because you will take it as it’s meant for you, I mean that is why it’s there isn’t it? Everything is yours. You are boss.

 

Em, nope. Your Mummy is boss. And remember to tell your Daddy that please?