QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

It’s about 2 in the morning I would guess. I have been to bed, but back up again. The crazy thing is, I had my music on but was aware that it would be waking my Husband up so turned it off, also was falling asleep. As soon as I turn it off, I am wide awake again. Then I stress as I know I have to be up in less than four hours, but the knowledge of that makes everything worse. I just can’t turn my thoughts off. Stress builds up, I think of my past present and future and that’s enough to fill me with anxiety.

Gosh, what it would be like to go to bed and just simply sleep? I have never really known that. Perhaps a day or should I say night once a month and only if I am lucky I get that kind of sleep but never sleep more than three hours without waking up and if I do get three hours, I’m really fortunate.

So here I sit with my cup of tea, the wind is wild outside and the house is calm, quiet and peaceful. Perfect for writing. I really should get back to writing my novel, but haven’t been able to have a clear enough head of late. So much going on in my life right now, I can’t be another person and to write a novel, I have to be in the head of that person the main character of my latest book.

My Son had an interview about his maths at college and he starts his new day today. I hope he sticks at it and puts his head down. He has decided to do another year at college in September, this is amazing. For him it’s an achievement as he really doesn’t like the discipline of study. Unless something interests him. For health and the human anatomy, he can tell you anything and is as sharp as a button.

His brain explodes with knowledge, but for subjects that don’t interest him, he has the strongest wall. I don’t blame him, as I was exactly the same, just writing interested me and research, this is great for English, my boy has no interest in reading the wider subject, but can by far rise above me for intelligence when it comes to subjects he finds interesting. As for his Father, my x had the brains in his ability to what we call graft. He is still a hard worker. The absolute best gardener on the planet. As that is his main occupation as for thirty years he worked as a gardener. Charging people half what he should going by the prices I pay for my gardeners for sure and he never stopped until the job was finished. His energy I admire and wish I had half of it.

My Son has a select brain and the common sense of a fully grown adult with life skills of a forty year old, but not too clever with graft.

I’m not sure what he will end up doing; this worries me slightly that he also doesn’t know. He I think is keeping his life as far as a career on hold for the minute to see where he will be guided by certain people; I just hope it will be something that will make him happy. I am rather proud of him though that he has decided to stay on another year. He decided this on his own. I hope…

He is a business man in the making though and it wouldn’t surprise me if he owned his own business in the future. I hope he does.

It takes a lot of guts to do this though don’t you think? For a week I would love to be in the head of a business person, just to see how they work and think and can they turn off at nights and relax their constant planning the next deal in their brain?

Yesterday I asked a question to a group of lovely people with my eye disease.

“Do you think there will be a cure with in ten years for our eye condition?

Answers varied really, from no, not at all because they were told twenty years ago there would be a cure within ten years than five years and they are nowhere near finding one. Others said not within five years but sure within ten. Others said that they have been to seminars where by talks have been given to say that they are trials they were  researching with now and they were convinced that a cure will occur within ten years. I wonder what you think. I would love to talk with a scientist who has the ability to be the person involved with finding dreams for RP sufferers.

How different my world would be if I could see? How much easier life would be too? I look at my friends who can see and think to myself “Don’t you know how lucky you are? Just look at the butterfly and praise God?

They don’t know how lucky they are until they lose their sight too I guess it’s a bit like me not knowing how lucky I am to be able to hear or walk.

I can tell myself how fortunate I am but if I was given sight, I would feel lucky from head to toe.

I think I would just stand and look at everything in such detail.

I told my Hub the other day that I was starting to forget so many things. Like the face of my Mum. This hurts me. My Dads face I still see in my mind, and I was trying to remember what a lion looked like and couldn’t really put the jigsaw together. It was hard enough forgetting colours, you know, the difficult colours I’m not talking about prime colours. But to forget nature is really sad.

They say when people will gain their sight; they will have to be taught if they have never seen in their lives. Like my Husband. As to put a spoon in front of him without him being allowed to touch it, will look like what? It’s the brain that sees, your eyes are windows and if your brain has never seen a spoon, or a car, what will that be like I wonder?

It will be like being a baby and having to learn everything from the start where as I will have had a head start, of course I will know a face when I see it, my Husband wouldn’t. It could be that spoon, as what is a nose? What are eyes? Do eyes look like tea pots? Do tea pots look like cars? All to learn, but will we ever be in that situation?

One bit of advice I do wonder if keeping the use of your eye muscles, will benefit your future seeing?

Once they die, can they be brought back to life? I know since I have been with my Hub, I relax my eyes now, and I guess I shouldn’t as I don’t want to lose the ability to be in control over moving them. But it really hurts to move them independently now, as lack of use makes them lazy.

Oh, did I tell you that I have cut my hair? Haha! Just my fringe. I do this from time to time when I am stressed. Oh do you ever do it? I love the feel of cutting it. I really have to be strict and not to cut the lot, as the sound, and feel of it is so good. And it’s relatively streight…

Give or take the odd chunk.

Joking, it’s not bad. And it’s wavy so looks OK anyway.

I was to go to the hair dressers a couple of weeks ago, but felt an enormous guilt of wasting money, so stayed at home whilst my Hub went alone and got his done, but he really needed it cut he looked like a reject from the seventies.

He has lovely hair though sadly going grey now. I do try to get him to colour it, but he’s having none of that.

He says he wants to grow old gracefully, well, I don’t think 45 is old, do you?

If I ever get my sight back, and the older I get, the less hopeful I am, but it will be odd, as the last time I saw my Son was when he was one and my Husband was when he was 12.

Haha. How odd will that be?

Oh God as for myself? Sixteen years ago. God help me?

I asked my good friend the other week, how old I looked and she answered four years younger than I am. I kind of was gutted, but not shocked as in the past five years, I have seen my divorce, my Husbands too, we have moved house and had so much dreadful worry over his job and still are doing now, though in a totally different way and having a teen is not easy. In fact to bring my Son up was never easy, I was like a single Mother as my x worked at three jobs, so was never home and when my boy was one, I lost my sight, and both parents within six months, so I really should look older than I am but I used to be thought of as ten years younger, so I am catching up? Haha.

My Son tells me if I were to lose some weight, I would look ten years younger, I’m sure I would feel that too.

How is my weight loss going?

Well it isn’t. Going that is. It’s not too bad though considering how much chocolate and cakes my friend Di and I ate last week. Haha.

Well, it would be rude to be offered and refuse, right?

Having a chat with some friends from a group I am admin of today, or should I say yesterday? We were discussing religion. How we evolved?

On that group I have a friend who is a strong believer in religion. A friend who has faith but not sure what religion and another who looks at it all from a scientists point of view, so it was really interesting.

To hear the variations of their views. I don’t believe we are an accident. Silly things like if we are, why are we so different to fish? Why do the Mothers feed the children? Why do we need food and water? Why do we all believe that we should sleep in the night wake through the day?  How do our bodies all work the same way? We are all too perfect to be from dust.

It fascinates me this subject.

OK, on that thought, I must go, now go where? Not sure. To bed? Not yet, perhaps another cupper or I may write some more poetry, I have a couple of poems to write for people, so may do them now, but I will be back later gators. X