WHAT I SEE THROUGH BLIND EYES

Well, I have to go to the shop. Or do I?

 If I don’t we don’t have money for a taxi to the vet tomorrow. The pressure is dreadful. It’s raining, cold and to be honest, even if it was sunny, I’m so not wanting to go today. I really am struggling with the outside world today. Fear? Fear is nothing in comparison to what I feel right now. Crazy, my brain is telling me I can do this but my stupid soul is crippled this week. I need money for teen too. Already he has gone a day late for his monthly allowance. But that could wait, he’s not homeless or starving, though promised money is promised money. It’s the taxi money. We have to go to the vets. Just their check-up. I am dreading that as I said last time Hub went there was when we got our BB put to sleep some months ago. Four in total. I can’t believe how the time has gone by. I still can feel her beautiful coat and gentle love. I so miss her, its heart breaking.

 

So next blog, will I be proud relieved that I have gone? Or will I feel a failure and not have moved from this house in four days?

 

God, why is it so hard for me? I wish I had some get up and go? My other blind friends are amazing, they go all over. Me? I’m so bad and I hate myself for it. When I was with my ex, I could go six months without going out of the door. And every time I did, it was with him. Then my child came along and I had to go out for school. So when I have to I do. But seems like only when I have to. I have never come across anyone like me. As I said, I can do it. Yes, I’m afraid Wagga will walk me onto the road, as she has done but not for a few months. Will she not take notice and carry on walking so I head but the wall again? Will she turn the corner too early and make me trip again? Well, she makes mistakes and this does nothing for my confidence, but to be fair, she only does that one in ten times. I really want to say I am going out, but can’t. As the rain pelts on my conservatory, I think, how bad that walk will be.  It’s only a ten minute walk there and same back, but it’s not a nice walk. It’s so very noisy and the stress of it all is horrible.

 

How can I tell my Husband who has been at work all day that I have not been able to do the task? Yes, he will be fine about it, and probably head out and go himself, but again, where is the pride or purpose in life for me?

 

A question was asked yesterday in a group I’m in

“I’m so afraid of losing my sight to Retinitis pigmentosa, those who have gone blind, what do you or don’t you see?”

One good answer was its like looking out of your elbow. Another one was it’s what the sighted see from the back of their head. But the best one was close to what I see. I would like to try to explain.

 

When I first lost my sight, it was the colour burgundy I saw. Then brown, then grey. Interrupted by seeing men in my room. My brain still thought it could see, just my eyes knew better.

 

Today, sixteen years later, what do I see?

Well, I hope I can explain this in the way I feel I see.

 

I can be sitting in my living room and I can see the furniture and even pictures on the wall, well as I saw when I could see. Confused? Yes, me too. It’s disorienting.

 

When I am in my conservatory, I see the cushions on the sofa and wine rack. The garden outside of my windows, but when I try to look for something in the garden or look for the bird tweeting, there’s nothing there.

 

When I try to see my pictures on the walls, nothing but red or pink or grey some days all shades of fog are in front of me. Sometimes I go to where the cushion is on my sofa and it’s not there, but it is in my mind. Because I have seen, because my imagination is active, I still think I can see, but in reality, I can’t. I go out, thinking its Okay; I can tell where I am. But half way walking, I panic, as not sure I can’t tell where I am with my eyes. I feel sick, dizzy and totally devastated.

 

I get home and think

“How on earth did I do that?

 

I hold my hand up to my eyes, I see a shadow, or do I? As when I move my hand, it’s still there. Drives me crazy.

 

At night time, sometimes through my eyes, I see daylight. The room is bright. I know it can’t be. I can’t sleep as the white glair is shining in my eyes. Even when I close them.

 

People say I look like I can see. When I am talking to them I look as though I’m looking into their eyes. I am. I do. But I’m not.

I’m so not.

I see my imagination and that is not always a safe place to view.

 

I really hope I have been able to explain what I see through these blind eyes? To be honest, it’s only this week that I have learned it I. A long story how.

 

As I write this, a bird sang. I automatically turned. Why? Why why?

Stupid. Really stupid. I get frustrated with myself, and then I say, if there is ever a cure for my eye condition, I must keep the muscles working. Dead muscles are no good. My poor Husband has no control where his eyes are. He has never known how to focus. When the eye doctors tell him to look to the left, he can’t. It breaks my heart. To be honest, it would be better for me if I were to relax my eyes, as moving them now hurts as they don’t get used as much as they used to. But I know that I have to keep them alive.

 

Okay, decision time. Will I go? Oh I so don’t want to.