OUR VISITOR

 Good morning Bloggets. A very quiet household for me today. Teen away, Hub at work with LC and my little Waggatail is huffing in her bed so I hear the occasional sigh and the ring of her bell on her collar.

A quick blog before I enter the kitchen to have my morning toast and tea. Then I must hurry to get ready. I’m going out today with my neighbour. We are taking Wagga on the bus to do her work; it’s been a while since she did this route, so I hope she will work well.

 

Well, what a past 24 hours? I’m in contact with my Niece and Brother. I haven’t seen them for four and a half years. They don’t know I have moved either. I last saw them on Hub and my wedding day. Two years passed and I never heard from them again… I contacted my brother’s wife a few times by texts and received the text back, asking who was I? So I got the hint, they really didn’t want me in their busy life.

 

We moved area about a couple of hours away. I kind of was hurt that they knew I was now married to someone without sight and not once did they ask how we were managing. But my brother has always been the most positive person in the world. He and I were so very close, when I was a child, I worshipped him, but  since he got married, he never thought being blind was an issue and called me pathetic when I lost my sight totally. He just didn’t get the deep, dark depression I was in. He is the most positive person in the world and doesn’t care about anyone and this kind of attitude has served him well. He has had a very successful life and his daughter who I loved dearly, also has done well with her career. Has married a lovely man and had of course the perfect child who was going horse riding before she left the woom. Haha. Really, her little life was planned. Nothing ever went wrong in their lives.

 

When I was a child, my brother was my hero. I adored him. Then he married and it all went wrong. My parents didn’t agree with his choice of wife at all, I got on well with her and cared about her, but understood why my parents didn’t wave the flags when my brother told us of his choice of wife.

 

My brother is very intelligent and had high prospects. Then at seventeen, he met a woman eight years older than himself and she had been married with two children. Six and four.

 

My Mum did everything for them, as realised that she would loss my brother if she didn’t. Gosh, I know how she feels?

 

How family history repeats itself? Though there is no blood connection, it’s odd.

He married at eighteen had my niece at twenty one and the rest is a very long and not very nice story. So I moved house didn’t tell him, and guess what? Over two years later, and four years in total, they still don’t know I have moved and haven’t even been to see us so am I a fool?

I guess I am. But at the end of the day, I still love my brother and there is not one day goes by without me thinking about him.

 

My Son is excited to seeing his uncle again. God, what to do?

I have lost my longest friend this year. Olga and I were friends for 25 years. It’s her Son’s birthday tomorrow. I adore that man; he was an eight year old child when I first met him. He gave me away on our wedding day but he too has a new life and I hate getting in the way, so would rather hide and leave the situation. Again, there won’t be a day goes by without me thinking about those two either. I just hope they will be happy in their new choice of living.

At the end of the day, I can only rely on myself. God help me? I am lucky I have a wonderful Husband and some good friends, but never will I allow myself to get so close to anyone again.

 

Talking of close? My darling departed BB/Hannah was a little close last night. Now non-believers and that has included me of late, and still I ponder, but since we put her to sleep, I have begged to see her, smell her feel her presence. Nothing, nothing at all and I have suffered to the highest level. Oh my word. Last night? Well, it’s going to sound awful, but Hub and I walked into our living room. He asked me what that horrible smell was. I said I couldn’t smell it, he wondered if the dogs had had an accident? I said no for sure not or I would smell it. He went out of the house as he did to go to the garage; I walked into the middle of the living room to see if there were doggy doodles? As I did this, I headed towards the TV, oh my God. The smell hit me. I ran out of the house like a shot as I knew it was not my two dogs, but Hannah/BB.

OK, I’m not going to or visiting any funny farm. I’m telling you now, it was her. I said nothing to Hub but he did wonder why I was stood outside when he came from the garage. We walked in together. I felt brave and came into the living room but no smell now. I walked towards where she lay for the days before she died, and there it was. The strongest smell of my beauty.

 

Hub came in behind me and stood where I was and said to me. What is that smell?

Both of us went quiet. I told him I knew what it was. He said so do I, but didn’t want to upset me. I said no, not upset, so glad, she is OK now. Oh Bloggets, the smell was so strong o overpowering. It wasn’t like dog mess. It was rotten flesh, just like what the poor thing smelled like before she died. For two days, this smell was around her and no wonder, the poor thing was bleeding inside her stomach. Her spleen had burst. Hub turned to the right and asked her if she was OK?

Now, my man has four degrees and a master’s in business as well as many more qualifications. He is of the highest intelligence. This was not our imagination, this was real. So why afraid? Because it was a real I don’t understand. Our two dogs were really weird last night and our LC would not come in the house. Hub had to pull her in by her collar and in the afternoon, LC ran from her bed and pushed her head into my legs. She wouldn’t leave me. My little Wagga did a pitiful cry for about ten minutes. But we took no notice, as since the day before Hannah / BB, died, they have acted really strangely. I don’t know what to make of it all, I really don’t. All I know is it was her. As soon as Hub asked if she was alright? She or the smell left the room completely. We could only smell it, where she lay, so those who have closed minds will say it is the floor where she lay? Still with her Oder? Well, let me tell you, her bed was put in the bin. We have vacuumed so many times, I on the day she died, not only vacuumed, but took from a pack, floor wipes. Our floors are wood too, so no carpet smells and the smell has not been here since she left us. As Hub and I stood still. The smell left as quickly as it came.

She would never do any harm, but I tell you, I was up with Hub this morning and I am not too confident about sitting here now, but no smell. I am pleased I feel now she is OK. I have been so worried about her. I just hope she is not lost, but I know she lives on, somewhere. Now I just hope that whoever has her now, will love her even half as much as I did and will do forever.

Later I will be back to chat some more, but I have seen, heard and smelt so much from our loved ones who have departed. I really sometimes don’t like this, but I fight it, though I on reflection am glad to have seen or sensed from the other side.

To some readers, this sounds mad, but unless you have witnessed anything, really please stay with me and I will move on and not return to this subject if it bores you. I find it terrifying. X