BRING HER HOME

Whilst my heart is broken, and my stomach aches with a loss I will never forget, I now today for the first time, feel like I can write. My world is in a haze and I breathe smell and walk through motions of life, an yet can’t live without suffering.

To some my BB was just a dog, to me she was life. She took me from a dreadful state in life many years ago to a whole new world of less confusion and a sense of freedom

She was the love when I didn’t have any from a partner and apart from my Son, a family when I dreadfully missed my parents. She was always there no matter what. She knew when I was low and played when I, had time. She herself was a prisoner to me, chained to me, but I was a loving warden who didn’t want to ever let her free to the beyond where we don’t understand.

But I really hope she has found a perfect place to live now, and I hope she will get looked after as she was a shy little girl and kept away from trouble and conflict. I have really fallen out with my belief of afterlife an God or our maker of late because of so many things going on right now, but where else has she gone?

The lump in my throat is huge. The ulcer in my stomach burns and my tiered stained face is cut.

My Husband has been amazing, as he too is suffering; our dogs have been until today really odd. So quiet and haven’t wanted to play, though to try to get them out of their depression, we have tried to play with them.

Putting two dogs to bed and shouting for two dogs to go out, feeding two dogs rather than three, and missing so much of what my BB/ Hannah used to do. The pet names we had for her too. It’s horrible, excruciating. I have lost pets before but my first guide dog, and what she meant to me. She was so unique. She used to lay down, with her little legs crossed like a real lady. I felt her amber eyes though couldn’t see them; the love she projected from them was so warm.

I want so much to get a sign that she is OK. But so far nothing.

This year has been so horrific. So much has gone on. So many losses. So much pain. Time to face reality and what we, my Husband and I must prepare ourselves for. I can say it’s been a year up there when I lost my Mum, Dad and sight. A year so close to that. Loads have happened that I couldn’t write about or talk to anyone about apart from my wonderful husband who I am blessed to have.

It’s not been all black this week, not really. I had my hospital visit that I will write about soon. That was a very interesting day. I’m sorry for not writing, but I hope you may understand why? I just simply couldn’t find words or think straight. Even now, I write and my fingers hurt with typing, my heart is jumping all over the place and I want to run free into the fields and look for my little girl and bring her home!