THE BLUR BEFORE ME

Well, I went to bed and now back up again. It’s been a while since I did this. As I lay in bed, I could hear the peacefulness of the sounds of silence.   

It was like painting a picture of a room full of neglected musical instruments. So all the brass section on the left. Percussion at the back and the dusty piano on the right. A couple of guitars laying on the stage, looking rather battered as though an after party for an aging rock star.

 

The stage curtains hung without pleat or any kind of starch in them.

Turned over chairs and small tables with half empty wine bottles and frothy beer glasses. Huge ashtrays with buts of stressed out addicts imprints left on them.

 

A real brawl had obviously taken place at this down town club. Broken chandeliers, a reminder of when class tried to introduce itself to this place.

 

The odd picture on the wall of a blonde, buxom babe, from the 1950’s, with trashy blood red lipstick on. Another hanging from one nail, tilted as the other support obviously fell out, of an old fashioned car, with a couple in, him wearing a top hat, and her, a head scarf, again, smoking, as this club, was from a time when that was allowed.

 

The floor, faded blue. Was once denim in colour, now dirty and decidedly in need for re newel, as was the wall paper, which wore drooping blooms of hideous peach and dark green leaves with a mushroom background. Not at all rock and roll.

 

I was alone in this place and I didn’t like the atmosphere, though I was sure behind one of the many closed doors, was a sinister person, waiting for the right moment.

 

So I left my bed and came for a chat. Haha. OK, my mind is crazy. It was working overtime; My Husband says so many times, he would love to be in my head for a day. I tell him and you, he wouldn’t. My mind is crazy, mixed up and all the time wishing to create art through my words. Always wanting to remember a sudden poem that may come to me at quarter to two in the morning, or a novel idea at ten past four in the early hours of a new day.

 

Seriously though, lying there, the streets were quiet, apart from the nearby road groaning a vehicle passing at a tired speed of “Can’t be bothered miles per hour!”

 

At least the birds haven’t started to sing to me. Not yet anyway and I hope to go back to bed before they do. I’m not too sure about being serenaded before I have had any sleep.

 

Waiting, just waiting for my boy to come home. He left at nine and said he would be back at two. It’s now twenty to two. So I hope not long? I just can’t sleep until I know he is safe home. I know who he is with so that is fine, but he is riding his bike back on his own, through the night. It’s too much to think about.

 

Oh, when I last spoke to you, I was about to iron my Husbands shirt for work today and make him a sandwich. Gosh, reminded me in a hurry, why I’m a vegetarian. The meat I made for the sandwich was totally gross. God only knows what it really was? I think turkey’s skin. Really it was horrible. It cost a fortune too. Really I should have binned it and given him something else. I don’t know how they dare sell that muck?

 

OK, I shall leave you now as the darkness is about to suffocate me. If only I could turn on a light and see it? I don’t feel right tonight sitting here, normally it’s the best time to write, but right now too much going on. Anyway, as I also said in my last blog, I’m off to the Doctors tomorrow/today. To see if he/she will refer me to the eye specialist, to see about this white/blur on my eye. Then it’s the waiting game. Not looking forward to that. I hate going to the eye hospital. Really I do. They treat you so badly. Like a piece of meat. They don’t care about your feelings and thrive in the fact that your eye disease is rare and call to their colleagues to have a poke and look at me.

 

To come out feeling like the end of the world is near. I remember the days with my x when after a visit to the hospital, we both felt such dread. Perhaps I am wrong in wanting to know what the mark is. I’m just afraid it’s something growing behind my eye. It’s linked I think with the lump I have had for some years now, but the fog/blur/white light is new, well, about five months now I have had this.

 

If anyone else with Retinitis pigmentosa has had this experience, please let me know? I have had my cataracts removed from both eyes about six years ago.

 

I hope it’s not that returning? The medics said it could come back.

 

OK, goodnight for the second time in such few hours. X