I have received some lovely emails from you Bloggets and
three this week have all asked me the same question, so I thought I would
answer you today.
You ask how do I remain so strong? Well, at first when I
read this, I smiled and thought to myself, I must come across very differently
to what I really am? Then I wondered how you would think this? I wrote back to a
Blogget in Italy who asked this question and asked whatever made them think this?
They are sighted and can’t comprehend living in a world where they can’t see.
Well, guess what? Before I went blind, neither could I. Truth is, I don’t have
a choice. I didn’t ask to be blind, in fact the opposite. When I went blind if
not for my Son, I would have for sure ended it all. I was alone and desperate
with no one around me to talk to who would understand, and this is the main
reason I have this blog page. I don’t want anyone to go through this on their
own and in the UK alone, one person goes blind every hour, and one hundred
people per day start to lose their sight. Now days thankfully, there is the
internet and a lot more information out there than there was, but having said
that I didn’t expect to lose my sight overnight and if not for knowing how to
touch type and eventually getting software to make my computer talk, I would not
be writing now. The computer wasn’t even in my house though when I went blind.
I knew of no other people who were blind. I wasn’t even in contact with anyone
who was partially sighted.
How do I feel about being blind? That is another question I
get asked on a regular basis. I hate it with a passion. But I’m not afraid of
it now. Terror is the worst thing worse than pain for sure, though of course a
lot of people who are blind and partially sighted do get a lot of eye pain. It’s
being scared witless that I couldn’t cope with. When I first went blind my
heart pounded I shivered and still feel cold when I put myself in that
situation of many years ago, just how I felt at the time, still can be close to
my mind sadly I would love to forget it, but the difference is, now I can
breathe, I know I’m OK. It is fine, I am not dying, though way back then, I was
dying and for ten years I can tell you, I suffered so badly. You know what it’s
like when you wake from a dreadful nightmare and you still think it’s
happening? I was still living my nightmare. I had to get up in the mornings for
my baby then child. I had to clean my house, people ask how do I clean? Who
else will do it? I don’t have help, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want help. It’s
my house, my home, my mess and of course it’s nice to get help as far as if
someone tells me I have cobwebs or a stain but it’s rare that it happens. I
know my house isn’t perfectly clean and I just think, how can it be, with two
dogs, and a Teen? Also I lived for 23 years with my ex and the house had to be
spotless, my Hub isn’t as bothered in fact he tells me off for doing our floors
twice a day, he says he knows of people who vacuum only once a week? Really? Oh
my. I couldn’t. Even if I didn’t have a Teen with work boots, smile, and four malting
dogs, no way, I would still have to do my floors each day, but I don’t any
longer get on my knees and clean the floors, nope, I use a mop and only twice a
week. As for my windows as I have said before, I just tell my sighted friends
they must have cataracts developing. Haha. I hate cleaning windows. Though of
course I do, just not as much as I should.
People say if they had to walk around in the dark or without
anything in front of them, they just couldn’t cope. So, let me ask those
people, if you went blind, what would you do? Seriously, what would you do?
Answer, nothing, learn to adapt. Adapt your life as your new
life would have to be very different to your old one. If before you played
certain sports, then you still can do sports if blind, may be not the same ones
as you used to though. As for your job, well, I would like to bet that would
have to go. But not always, there is a tiny chance that your job can be adapted
to your new ways. Imagine if you are 16 and have your university and future all
planned and your sight goes? Detached retina or other many reasons, now what?
You would have to re think everything, but first you have to get over the
shock. And it is a shock. Possibly the biggest shock of your life. You I’m sure
will grieve. It is a loss and a devastating loss. You can’t go where you used
to go. You probably will lose your friends, but guess what? Some will stay, and
you will learn to make new ones and friends who want to be with you because of
you, not because of what you can do for them
Some people ask how we can keep a partner if suddenly blind?
Well, again, if your partner doesn’t want you because you can’t see anymore,
they are not for you, and you may not want to face this fact, but it’s true, if
you are in love, deeply in love and you have just told your love that you are
going blind, or, suddenly you are blind, it could be another loss. If you can
see, and you break up, it’s painful, if you have your sight loss to cope with
too, it’s almost unbearable, but again, for those asking how? What is our
choice? It’s not like we can knock on a door and say, excuse me, you gave my
blindness to the wrong person, there is no one to go to nothing we can do, so
we are not strong, or even brave, I get told I’m brave or was, because I went
to Russia and had the most horrific treatment in dreadful circumstances and
surroundings, I even received a bravery award, but no, I wasn’t brave, most of
the time, I was a tiny little girl who had no choice. Believe me, I screamed,
bit kicked and cried when I was getting the treatment, that isn’t brave, that
is me doing what I could to try to fight off pain. In fact, torture. Bravery is
someone who goes into a burning building and saves people, those who jump into
a river to save someone and anyone who does something where by they have a
choice but chose to do the things that are far from their comfort zone. I don’t
do anything brave, some days I step outside of my house, and walk somewhere,
again, I’m not brave, who else will take me to the Doctors, or get my bread?
Now I have friends who are blind and they choose to do other things apart from necessities,
they choose to go to a public gym, a swimming pool, to me that is hell, I feel
sick at the thought of that, they meet friends in new places where they and
their dog have not been taught, that is bravery. I tell my Husband he is brave,
as he used to travel all over the world and now he get’s on a train on his own,
he tells me the same as I tell you now, that is not being brave, he has to
work, he is fortunate to be able to work.
So I hope I have been able to answer your questions. I’m not
brave, I have no choice but I pray every day that one day before I’m too old, I
will be given a cure or at least treatment to give me sight. That day I will
start to live again in the world I want to be in, not behind an invisible eye
mask, but never would I forget my wonderful friends who just happen to be blind
and I would hope that my sighted friends would still want to be friends with
me? As to be honest, you never know, do you, may be some friends are my friends
because I am blind? Sounds silly? Really? Some people like to hang out with
others because they have something that the other friend doesn’t have or they
like to feel helpful. Now when I’m with my sighted friends, they keep telling
me that they forget I’m blind and you know, this is great, and this is what you
all who can’t see can achieve when you have excepted the fact that for now, you
can’t see. Who knows we may never find a cure for blindness, so live for today
and hope for tomorrow. When we are with our friends, laugh, joke, have empathy
talk about every day life the news, music whatever you would have spoken about
when you had sight. Just be you. Remember that you have to give something to
receive something. But don’t just give, life is about giving and taking. I used
to only give, give myself I was exhausted. Now whatever. Chill.
When I’m with my friends who are blind we share so much it’s
great, but when I’m with sighted people, they can like me or lump me. That is
the difference. I’m no longer bothered; the pressure is off. For those who don’t
want to be with me, jog on. Smile. For the stayers, true friends forever.
We have a choice what to wear in the mornings. We don’t have a choice if we are
blind or not. As for our destiny? No one really knows what that will be, we can
only hope. Hope one day we all have a choice whether to see or not. Xx
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