THE WONDERS OF LIFE

Good morning Bloggets. Lots to talk about in today’s blog. I’m starving but wanted to write to you all first. I’m up early, because I’m waiting for Dave!!!

Dave is a delivery man…

Oh my word, I will tell you what I have bought.

 

On our cruise, I didn’t buy anything souvenir wise, and we did one trip, so we spent our spending money on a gift to ourselves. I’m so excited about it. It is something I have never done before. Oh I don’t even know where to start? I really don’t? I guess I shall explain a little background first?

 

Complacency.

When I met my wonderful Hub, on day one he gave me the most amazing present next to his gift of life changing love!

 

I had been married for 23 years to a man who put the M in mean. It was my birthday and this to me meant nothing. Never did the whole time I had been with my ex.

 

I hadn’t seen my now Hub for 28 years, the last time we were together was when we were twelve. He handed me a small box and inside was the most exquisite pair of earrings. I learned they were pure beautiful diamonds that I really didn’t want to know the price of, but when my now Hub said I should put them on my house insurance? I couldn’t breathe.

 

I asked him why he bought me such an expensive gift. He told me no money could buy what I’m worth.

 

Wow. My word. Those words have never left me to this day and those words pushed a button inside of my frozen heart damaged by life. That button lit a flame followed by warmth and pure love.

 

He also said that he hadn’t been able to give me a gift for 28 birthdays, so that was to make up for missing them.

 

Well, I didn’t know where to put them? I couldn’t wear them, could I?

Hub told me to put them in, oh they were far too good for me and I wasn’t going anywhere and if I was going somewhere, I couldn’t wear them, in case they dropped out? I expressed how anxious I felt, to wear them. They were too precious. Hub told me if I lost them, he would buy me some more.

 

I learned from then that he was a kind selfless soul not only via our emails of thousands that we had been sending each other, but his velvet words and his absolute love that filled my world with wonder! What was I going to do with them? I held them, almost too afraid to put them down. My hands trembled as my background vibrated and my soul was born again.

 

A new life and not because of the expense, because of the words and kindness of how they were expressed to me.

 

Still to this day I struggle with how I perceive myself in this world. I have days of feeling absolute worthlessness and complete feelings of rejection by the horrible past I endured. But that time, in my life was for me. My turn to start to live. From a child I belonged to my parents, whom I worshiped. I worked for and ate the air they gave to me to survive and suffered greatly from the knowledge that they would leave my world, so I had to pass exams of the most difficult work, to which I never had lessons on and struggled always to perfect for my parents. They lived for me; their lives were swallowed up by the fact they had to find a cure for me to see. I was the child who was born to a heartless woman and born through a cruel Father who forced his handprint onto my heart, body, soul and mind forever, until the day I leave this earth.

 

Then my parents adopted me. Saved me from what would have been my destiny.

 

I dream to write my autobiography, as you hear Bloggets only see a fraction into my life, there is so much I leave out and skip by, so I don’t expect you to understand fully, my mind, but I hope to try to put my opinion in the best way I can, to show you how I felt when I first began to remember love and know what it was like to be loved by another man. And allow myself to be loved.

 

In my 23 years to the ex, I had chances to escape from him with other men, but I was totally loyal to him. I as we say in the UK had made my bed, so must lay on it!  Though from seventeen I was incredibly unhappy and so very alone, this was my fate. Or, was it?

 

 Well, something enormous changed in my mind set. I gave my time to my parents as that is all I had to offer them, From they died when my boy was one, I continued giving my life to my darling Son, who to this day I swear was born to me but given by angels. Because of circumstances I have written about before. I cooked cleaned and took a pill of persecution with each sip from the cup of soured fluid each day.

 It was my turn to do for me in life. The heavy blanket of blindness lifted to allow me to breathe clean air and I was given strength to move from the immovable emotions I suffered.

 

A light was shining brightly to guide me forward. To lift me and to show me I don’t have to live in a fearful situation for the first time in my life, I promise you, and I felt true happiness. I was 41 and had moments in my life, when I laughed and when I enjoyed my time, I gave birth to my Son and that day  was full of kindness, as I held my Son in a way I was never held as a new born baby. I gave to my Son my own life. How it should have been for me, but wasn’t as the people who made me were aliens from a planet we would never wish to visit!

 

But happiness? No, I really never felt it. From the day I first had contact with  my Hub, who started off as a pen pal, which lasted no more than one email back from him, then that pen pal turned into wires of electricity, cables which needed fixing. The day we were reunited, they were all put together.

 

Oh, I digress, sorry, but to tell you how I feel, so you I hope will feel my emotions, I have to piece together some background. Forgive me for waffling please? So where was I? OK, yes, the life I had was one of debt, depression and darkness. I was allowed to buy a blusher, as in makeup, once a year. It was from our local market and started off as 50p, went up to £1.75

That was it. I got a dry haircut, so no fancy shampoo’s and that was only three times per year. Yes I had a lovely house with my ex, because it was my prison and I had enough in me to fight for that. My ex came from a deprived area; he knew this and was happy to move to a better lifestyle. He was a hard worker, had three jobs always, but as I have said before he was a hard player too. Still is, Five years   I have been free of him, he still works at multi jobs and still plays the field. So life for him hasn’t changed, for me? Oh yes, it really has.

 

When my Husband and I first met, he tried to teach me that life was not all about doing, but also giving. He told me he got more pleasure out of gifting than receiving presents from anyone. Totally selfless. When the ex-left me and my Son without even a television, my wonderful kind Husband bought our Son a TV. He also paid for our utility bills, as my ex left us in deep trouble. I had been paying him for months for our gas and electric, but he hadn’t been paying the bills and because I couldn’t read print, so the bills, I was unaware, until we received a letter telling us the utility company was going to turn off our electric and gas. For me I could survive for my Son, no way.

 

My Hub taught us life was for living and not only in the monetary sense, but to feel wanted and needed. To know how to experience the word hope and words like “I can.

 

He taught our Son how to be independent and to live in the real world, as the world I had him in, was a totally protective one. I shielded him from life as best as I could. He was my last straw to hold onto. My parents were gone, I had only my boy. I gave him the best childhood I knew of. He had the best birthday parties and gifts for Christmas. I felt bad I couldn’t give him a good Father, but this wasn’t my gift, or my fault. One thing I didn’t blame myself for.  I waited ten years to have him, for this reason, but what choice did I have? Never have a child? Well, my fate didn’t think so. A son was born to me for a reason. That I am sure.

 

My Hub taught my Son how to step out into the world and experience freedom. Something he has overdosed on for the past six months, but never mind. They say you open a door and they run. Thankfully, he runs back home.

 

Everyone who meets our Son says how polite he is how clever and so very grown up. He is a child, but his persona is of a brilliant brain and full of confidence.

 

This is thanks to my Husband and our Son who knows how to be. And back to what I started talking about.

Complacency.

How everything used to be guilt for me. I could never really appreciate a gift. I used to be so uncomfortable and even felt sick when I was given anything. Well, it’s taken five years, but now I have come out at the other end, but really had to nip myself the other night.

 

I went to put on some perfume and for the first time, I sprayed it without even thinking. Really, it was that bad, even to spray perfume, I felt guilty, for using such lovely things on myself. Hub lets me buy whatever make up I want now and only the best brand too. He refuses to allow me to buy cheap and was appalled I bought from the market, but we are fortunate, we can afford make up from a shop now, I will never knock those who can’t. But the fact is here, my ex could afford but wouldn’t.

 

So after spraying my perfume, I turned and thought

“Gosh, what have I just done?”

Oh I hated myself for it. I really can’t tell you how bad I felt? I told my Husband apologising and he laughed, but I wasn’t laughing, I felt so terrible that I sprayed the perfume and didn’t even think about what I was doing? He told me I was being ridiculous and could spray however much I wanted.

 

I think I will take much more time to believe this, but I am changing, now I’m not too sure this is a good thing, as I never ever want to be greedy, I lived with a greedy man who came from the meanest background and he still scrapes his nails to get every last bit of dirt. I don’t have to know that man anymore or that lifestyle and our Son thankfully knows the difference and has a perfect balance in his life.

 

But, back to my delivery… On our ship, well, not ours, life isn’t that generous, haha. Our cruise holiday, there was an art gallery. Our Son noticed a picture of a tiger. I asked him to take us over to it and tell us what it was like? He did and I fell in love with it. Of course being an animal piece of art too… Then there was one of elephants. Oh I adore elephants. I have about thirty six ornamental ones, even a door stop of an elephant and a large elephant in our garden. I have never been able to find a nice picture of an elephant, until our cruise. But I rejected the elephants, in favour of the tiger.

Sorry, too many elephants in that last paragraph, but I’m hungry, OK?

Oh, it was wonderful. I rose above my conscience and purchased this picture. Hub didn’t even flicker. And I didn’t even ask him if I could buy it.

 

Is this bad? I wonder? I think it is, but boy, it was great to do. I felt so brave and I had say in what we were allowed to buy.

 

So my tiger is still alive, it’s a live painting on canvas. She is in a conservation place in England and her name is Nanya. She is black and white, with the only colour being a pink nose and blue eyes.

 

How beautiful? If she had been orange and black or whatever colours tigers are, I really would not have given it a second glance, but in my mind, I still see just, and I saw the colours of black and white, with pink and blue, and it sounded so pretty.

 

Well, at last it came, half way through writing this.

I dare not take it from the box. I wonder if someone from the cruise is also in there. I’m not joking, it’s enormous.

 

Will our walls support it? I’m sure as we felt the weight of it on the cruise and it was not very heavy, just all the packaging makes it bigger.

 

So now to my electrician friend to hang it up?  I’m going to have to weight as he’s on a golfing holiday… How inconvenient? Haha. Bless him. He is a great friend of ours now and a true gent.

 

OK, I did have lots to talk about today, but this has took forever to write, and I’m sure a long time to read, so I won’t bother you any more until later that is, and I shall be back with a few more words. I hope you learn something from this blog, as I write for you all. I guess what I want to put across is a few things, firstly, when you are at rock bottom in life, and you really can’t, not won’t, but can’t make that step forward, you really don’t know what is around the corner, waiting for you, just open your mind heart and soul to feel where you are meant to go next in life?

 

Don’t look down, but up, left, right and forward, oh, and try not to trip on that thing on the floor too?

 

Open your lives and start to live. Don’t get me wrong there is day’s weeks, months, when I feel so dark and still do today, but then I have moments when I delight in the fact how much my life has changed. We are not rich, we are not free, but we are living as best as we can now, until the day comes when sight will prevail.