THE COLOURS OF BLINDNESS

Another late one, where are the days going? I am sitting in my small living room and the sun again is shining as I can feel it through the window. My canary, Irish, is very quiet today I don’t like it. On my knee apart from my lap top, I have sloppy balls, a ring and a bone. The smell of rubber is gross.

They are my dogs toys.

My little Wagga thinks it is fun to pile them all on top of Mummy and perhaps she will play with her? Hehehe. Whilst typing? I will have to soon as she is now annoying old Black beauty. She’s not much better but hasn’t cried today so far.

My Son has enrolled in college. Really pleased for him. He is doing math too. As well as the second year of his tech course.

I was awake till after three this morning. I wanted to write as I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. Just such dark thoughts and the colour black I could see and hated with this awful blur on my eye still really bothering me. I have done some internet research and think I know what it is but will wait till next week to find out at the big hospital. I am in two minds about getting tested for genetics. I wonder why? What is the point, only to be upset by having to tell them I’m adopted? I can’t take the pain of that, even though I am so glad I never was brought up by the horrible people who threw me away.

Some days I feel like an uprooted tree with all my roots above the soil. Revealed to the world and elements.

Partly my fault.

I wanted so badly to write, but just couldn’t. I sometimes wish I could get a break and be discovered and published. The views on the blog page are really amazing and I am so very grateful as makes my world a better place, the comments I receive are wonderful too to know that someone somewhere is getting help in some way from these blogs. Some days I wonder what help or how? Oh my Hub went mad at a blog I wrote the other day. Called RP true story…. It wasn’t good. Hahah.a. He wouldn’t read till the end and told me that was the kind of blog people would slit their wrists to?

I did say it got better, but he wouldn’t read on.

 

My friend in Mexico has just got home from enormous surgery. My word, she has been through the mill and how strong she is, she is the great oak tree.

Well, my handy man is not here yet. Oh I begged him to come today this morning, and he said he would, so please?

My Hub is seeing his daughters on Sunday. I must spend time seeing what they can do? If up to Hub, he would take them for lunch and that is it, but it would be nice to give them some fun? I know they are just here to see their Dad, but I don’t want them being bored. I am not going but have bought gifts for them.

This afternoon I have been ironing. Lovely. All the whites I took ages to find put in the washing machine and only find when removing two little socks black. From my Son. I asked my neighbour if the whites were still so, she said yes. Thank goodness for that. It was all of Hubs work shirts and my white t shirts.

I have done the normal things around the house.

Had a read at the headlines of the world news and really, it’s all the same. Killing an people trying to be in control of what isn’t theirs.

So jog on and try to find some positive news.

Two hours later, still looking? Hahaha.

 

God, I must move again and do some more. Sometimes I wonder if there is glue on my chair?

I will go and have a chat with our canary as he is too quiet.  Then tea time. Teen wants tuna pasta, and I have sausages for Hub. Me? Not sure. Normally I try to do all of us the same but me without meat, but today am different. Teen is still out he said he would be back for tea though. If not it will keep.

More letters to try to read later. I wish there was an ap for the IPhone that would tell us what the letters say?

We have been told in the UK this year we will have the coldest winter but driest? Well on a night, the skies are practicing as its blooming freezing, but through the day still nice, and we can’t complain about this summer as it’s been beautiful.

Oh so much is going on in life and all out of my control. How to get a grip on life again? Any advice? If someone was to ask me that question, I would say

“Wake up in the morning, before getting out of bed, ask yourself

“Do I really want to do that? If not, don’t.

Hmm. Sounds easy, but it’s not right? My old oak friend always tells me to surround myself with happy thoughts and happy people. That’s lovely if you have them and know who they are? Hehehe. I told my boys yesterday that there is a new house rule, no more negative thoughts or words. Let’s see how long we can do this? As we are our life and in a lot of cases, only we can do what we want to do. I don’t mean going out or doing the job we want, just in normal life skills. Teen does what he wants most days; I guess that is what being a teen all is about? If I could do what I want, it would be something like this, but remember they can’t be miracle things, as that would be totally different. I’m talking about real life without sight. And how my stupid mind works.

I would wake up with the three of us around the breakfast table. We would talk laugh and enjoy a delicious breakfast. Then we would all go out for the day for a pick nick on a river boat and to the beach for a Fish and Chip supper, well, me without the fish. If it rained, cinema? But in the real world, what teen wants to be with their parents? A shame really, as they are so long without their Mum and Dad. God I really am missing my Dad of late and I’m not sure why?  

If a miracle dawn occurred, then I would see. I would wake up to the colours of my bedroom walls, see what the weather was like out from my window, cook breakfast, all eat and I would love just looking at everything, seeing what was on my plate, look into my Sons eyes and see life, look in to my handsome husbands eyes and see him looking back at me, wow, to see? Then I would be slow at looking around the house as I left, the colours, colour in my life at last and then going on our river boat, but I would drive rather than relying on public transport. I would see trees, flowers, happy faces ducks and the ripples on the water. I would see freedom.

 

I would go shopping on my own, clothes shopping, wow, to see clothes again? To have a choice and pick things up rather than going on what others say, I would tell myself what looked good. Mind you, I may not like what I see in the mirror? Hehehe.

OK for now, will chat later, have a lovely weekend. X