DAY WITH MY AUNT

 OK, at last, my day with my crazy mad much loved aunt.

So she is getting better, only took her two years, but at last she knows my address now without phoning me for it? So the taxi arrived and in she walked with mad Wagga attacking her and BB interested in her pockets and bags. She always brings the three dogs treats. Bless her she brought us some too, but sadly, naughty Wagga got there first and demolished more coffee beans for Hub. What is it with that dog and coffee beans? Oh my God, they sent her mental, so what would they do to me? Hahaha. Thank God we caught her before she ate her way through the other goodies. Well, the coffee beans worked straight away. She was jumping all over the place, Wagga that is, not my Aunt.

 

Then Wagga ran upstairs and from half way up, she dived on my aunt and scratched all the way down her arm making it bleed. Then clicked all her new top. Oh she was embarrassing. Again, Wagga, not my Aunt, it was her, turn later…

 

Well, I was going to take Wagga to our Lewis’s restaurant, but because she was so badly behaved, I left her at home. Now God knows if she did something to poor BB on our outing, but BB has been a little poor on her feet since. I know I caught her jumping over BB’s back on a few occasions.

 

My Aunt told me there was some dog hair in the corners of our conservatory, so out came the vacuum… She puffed and panted whilst I died with shame. Then later on, her friend sent pictures of their own house, the friend she lives with was cleaning behind her sofa and sent photographs through the mobile phone to my Aunt. As my aunt told me of the pictures, my shame tamed somewhat. Two pairs of slippers, a bag of books, a box of chocolates, a tin of paint and six plastic bags to name just a few things, so I think some dog hairs are acceptable? This is the thing, when sighted people come to our house, they will tell you of the smallest thing, as we can’t see. But they need to look at their own houses? Hahaha.

 

My aunt told me that my latest gardener again had not done the job he should have done. She told me of the weeds, an yet didn’t pick any of them for us… So OK, again, done by another gardener. What is it with gardeners not being honest?

So now what? Do we get him back, or look again? Honestly.

 

So off to our restaurant. It’s really good through the day, only £6 each and it’s lovely. OK, there was a very posh car I can’t remember what kind of car, but my Aunt shouted to a man as she peered through the windows, as though to steal it and hot rod it to joy ride.

“Woohoo. Is that your lovely car?

There was no answer, she danced around excited by the machine that was parked in front of us. I asked her what the person said and she replied nothing, he’s on the other side of the road, miles away. So why did she think it was his? In a loud voice, she answered

“Those kind of cars always belong to fat balding men…

Oh God. This was going to be a long day? Hahaheheh.

 

 Well, in we walked, my aunt asked again in the restaurant whose car that was outside? Again no one admitted to it. Lewis was lovely as ever. We ordered and then it was time for my Aunt to go to the toilet, oh God…

Bless her; she did try to be discrete. Whispering to Lewis

“Do you have a toilet?”

He laughed and told her he didn’t hear her.

“Do you have a toilet?”

A little louder this time. And then Lewis replied

“Oh, I didn’t hear you first time. Aunt said

“Well, I was trying to be subtle?

Lewis did laugh, rather loudly as did my Aunt…..

Then the best thing?

He walked away laughing

I looked at my Aunt, in disbelief. And asked, so is there a toilet, or not? She said I don’t know, but I’m bursting…. Oh God.

So Lewis came back, and Aunt

“So Lewis, are you going to tell me if you have a toilet?”

Lewis

“Yes, we do!” He laughed and went off again.

My Aunt then shouted to him to come back.

She said where is it? He said what? Hahahahaha. Oh God all mighty, this was too much. By this time, the people on the next table were laughing. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Louis ended up taking her by the hand, like a little girl; bless him he is so sweet, but not entirely connected.

We had a lovely meal, and left. Still not knowing whose car it was? Hahah.

 

Then to the bus stop. It was really great I could direct a sighted person without her knowing where to go to the bus stop and even know when it was time to get off.

 

She had a fit when she found out she had left hersigaretts at home. Oh God, no, would Wagga end up smoking them too? What with those, and the coffee all she needed after that was whisky?

Well, my Aunt had palpitations when she had no tobacco. I said it was better she didn’t have them. She didn’t agree. Well, we had to hunt our historical city to find a blooming place that would sell cigarettes.

We did at last find a place, and in front of other people in the queue, and the man selling us them, she turned to me and in a loud voice said

“Well our Fiona, I don’t have to murder you now?”

She wasn’t joking either…. It’s northern humour. Haha.

 

OK, then outside to find a secret hole to smoke the dreaded weed. And not out of my garden. Then she told me of a knight who was in his costume with a sword and a child getting his photograph taken. My aunt went to where the Knight was and shouted

“Oo’oo’oo

Chunky legs!”

I thought she was talking to the child? You know when they can have thick little legs if they are chubby babies? Oh no, she went on.

“F’o’ogh wow. Yes, yes, please? Oo’oo’oo. You are lovely.

Oh heck.  She was talking to the poor young man.

She is by the way, in her seventies.

I asked her what his reaction was when she was fancying him? She said he just looked with a serious expression and wiggled one eyebrow up and down. Hahahaha. Poor guy is probably still in therapy.

Well, then into M & S…. I’m not sure M&S were ready to be Auntied.

OK, so we took a trolley. I pushed she guided.

Em

Not quite.

Before I knew it, I was being chased by an assistant. Hahehehehe.

I Didn’t know she had left go of the trolley.

She was talking to someone; I heard her and learned she was having a row with the self service till.

I swear she was waiting for an answer?

So the lady told me I had walked by the till and hadn’t paid. But she was lovely when she learned I was blind. After my lovely Aunt almost blew the till up, the lady helped us. As we left with our shopping, the lady laughed and asked if we needed a Learner sign for our trolley? I told the lady we needed something, and then Aunt asked where we should park the unwanted trolley. Well, another story, but a funny one.

Moving on, she wasn’t happy to go home, until I quote

“We got lost.

Well we found some great interesting things and had a brilliant day. As she got off the busses she had to say

“Thank you Mr. Driver….

Hehehe. I am not sure if people thought she had me out for the day, or I had her on day release?

Home safe back to a hiper dog who hadn’t smoked Aunts cigarettes thank God and tea with Hub. My small family. My dearest relative the only one I have left that I know of. Apart from my Son. Who was out with someone for that day.

 

Where would we be without eccentric people? Mad aunts, wearing purple and crazy expressions. Love her.