WHERE ARE YOU MUM BY FIONA CUMMINGS

Good morning Bloggets. Today the house is quiet of all humans. With the exception of a Waggatail and a squeaking teddy bear, my house is silent. Hub left for work today at a bitter cold crisp time of 7.25 am and my Son has just left for work. It took until ten this morning before my house felt warm enough to be comfortable. I kept checking the temperature of the house firstly it read 16° by 8 it was just on 17 by nine 17.2 and at last by ten it has reached 18.9° you know what its like when you get up to a cold house? I mean, we set our heating to come on when the temperature is 16 or below, as if we put it on anything higher than that, it seems to be on all night and Hub doesn’t like heating on when he is in bed… I don’t like heating off, when I get up… as I was up this morning at silly time just after Hub, about 6.50 am, I wasn’t impressed. It’s probably Psychological. We let the dogs out it’s slippy and ice on the ground as well as the handles of the doors outside and it’s dull, dark and just damp. My bones really do get cold. As I have said before in a blog, my Mum used to use that expression and I never understood what she meant. I just thought it was one of her many old wive’s sayings as we call them. But now I know what she means by saying she was cold to the bone!

 

It’s been 19 years today since I lost my Mum to the NHS and her bad health. She sadly developed Pneumonia and they couldn’t save her. I just wish she had never gone into hospital. They put a mask on her face and got her to sit in the same position all day and night for three days until she finally died. I never expected her to die. Not in hospital… my emotions were already in the worst way of my life. My Dad had just died, and I had not long, gone blind my baby was my life line. He came to me as an angel I’m sure of it. At the right time. If not for him I wouldn’t be here now. And though there are days when I do wonder why I’m here, I just turn to my love and know we had to be together though the wait to be reunited was so very long and we both went through battles to win the war. I just wish my parents had waited to meet my Husband again and help me to bring up my Son as until my now Hub came along I was on my own. My ex was only interested in himself. He was a hard worker, the best worker and an even better player. We were his cushion in the background. Not all his fault, he had faulty genes, but he could see. Smile. My faulty genes are linked to my lack of sight.

 

There are times when I wish my Mum was here as the pain still after all these years is just too much to cope with. Though when she was alive, we used to fight row I should say, we never put boxing gloves on, but now I look back, we are so very similar. I’m adopted my Mum got me when I was four weeks old. I spent most of my life away from home either in hospital, boarding school or married very young. But she has had a huge influence on me and to be honest, this isn’t always a good thing. My Mum called a spade a spade. She was so truthful. Not two faced and would give anyone her last penny. She had to say her bit and stuck to it. She didn’t hold back. But she gave me more love than a so called natural Mother and gave up her life for me to try to fight for sight for me. Her biggest fear was for me to go blind. I went blind, two weeks later my Dad died followed by my Mum 6 months later. They were my world. Though Mum and I argued, clashed, I visited her four times at least per week. My ex adored her she loved him. She worshiped my Son. Her only Grand Son. If only she knew how much I needed her. Just as she taught my niece to read and write, when I needed to teach my son those skills, I had no one to help me. I had to teach him to do letters with my fingers showing him the rough shape of a letter. Can you imagine teaching him colors? I tell you it was pure hell each time I tried to do something for my Son I was reminded how much I needed my parents. Each Christmas and birthday, I so badly wanted to buy them a gift. I still get so sad all these years later just to be able to buy my Dad his jumper and slippers that is all he ever wanted Christmas and birthdays.

 

I wonder where she is now? Or, is that all rubbish? As you know, I have of late been questioning my faith. Not sure if it is my Husband rubbing off on me as since his Mum died, he has totally lost his faith. I just hope I don’t lose it all together. It’s kept me going for so many years.

 

As a tiny child I would pray in my boarding school in bed at nights. When the old atmosphere would scare me as the finger like branches used to reach up to scratch the window of the fire door which was right next to my bed. The inky sky would provide a frame around the curly fingers which looked as if they were about to smash the glass and grab me from my bed.

 

Through dreadfully sad lonely days weeks, months in fact years with my ex my faith was there and my prayers many times if not were answered, I had at least a feeling of being listened to!

 

I know I see things in my mind perhaps now as my eyes don’t work, I hear things and smell rooms full of either chocolate, roses or unfortunately smoke, from a cigarette. The other night I witnessed something so very odd… when I’m brave enough, I shall tell you what it was, but, is that another world, souls from my past? Or, is it all in my mind!

 

If it is all true, wherever you are Mum. I hope you are laughing out loud really enjoying all the company from your, past and planning when we will join you in the future. I hope you have a beautiful day and a perfect peace free, pain free life as that is far from what you had on earth.

I love you as much as any daughter could love her Mother. I can’t imagine loving a Mum any more than I do you. I hurt for you as much today as I did nineteen years ago today. Only I handle deal with things better now. I hope you are an angel who can come to me when I need you but moreover I hope if you can do that, it’s not uncomfortable for you in any way. As I only wish for you the best. Because you were and I know if you are out there somewhere, you still will be the best.

There have been people named saints who have not done in their lifetime as much as you did in yours. To me you are the highest most respected person who has ever lived.

I love you Mum and miss you so very much!