I received an email
from my beautiful special dearest most loved friend who started off as a
Blogget and she gave me a telling off I deserve. She told me how she is worried
about my health… She’s totally correct. When I think about just how I am treating
myself, I shock myself. I went six days last week without one meal. I lived on junk
all week and bread of course. I cooked for my family and didn’t bother with
myself. Why? No excuse now, my Husband provides very well for me. I can have
what I want to eat whenever. Previously if I ate there would be no food for my
ex or Son. I had no money apart from half of the money he gave me what I was
entitled to as I received Government benefits but only learned when I met my
now Hub that actually for years in fact my whole life with my ex, I had only
received half of the money I was given. The other half went into the bank of
the ex and the half I had, went on certain bills and my Son. I bought him
everything he owned all school trips I paid for with the pathetic amount of
money I had left. So, food was an issue I just ate a bag of crisps and a chocolate
bar as they were little money to buy even though my ex went to work each day
with enough food for four people that I made for him.
Previous to him, at boarding school, we were fed terrible
food and tiny amounts. When I came home either weekends or holidays, my Mum fed
me all the foods she knew I loved. So, to me, comfort represented food. Then to
have it taken away again when I married just like at school, sent my system into
crazy mode. So, now, when I’m feeling worried, stressed fed up, I turn to
comfort food. And healthy food isn’t comfort food. But as I’m eating through a
huge sandwich who really am I comforting? I know no one can tell me what to eat
now days.
The delight I get
when I eat bad foods, is amazing but still, when I have finished what I’m
eating, I feel so very bad and guilty. So, who am I hurting, not the cruel
people from my past but myself.
I’m like an old car that is running out of petrol. When I’m
flat, I need fuel. Fuel is fat food. But bad fuel, so my engine breaks down. And
the freedom of knowing I can just get what I want when I want now, is the best
feeling.
For a short while. Then I realise what I have eaten and it’s
not good. It’s carbs only.
So, from going from nothing but scraps at boarding school to
home food at weekends to nothing for 23 years again and now to having food on supply.
But I need to start to buy only food that will A, fill me, B will be good for
me and C, won’t exhaust me by making it.
I can spend five hours per day in the kitchen. I need to try
to half that time. Even if it means making food that will do two days.
Yesterday I made a chili as I wrote about and I can tell you it’s been a long
time since I enjoyed anything quite like it. And it’s certainly not like any
chilli I have tried before anywhere. It was far better and I surprised myself
just how good it was and it was full of really good healthy food. I put a tub
in my freezer and I’m going to do that a couple of times per week.
Tonight, I made Gnocchi. Oh, my it was really really tasty.
I boiled the water first then put the Gnocchi in and after a minute I put some
granulated garlic in and some washed spinach then sprinkled some salt over the
top, only a small amount. After another minute I turned it off and lay the lid on
top of the spinach so it steamed. Drained it and poured it into a large oven
dish that already had tomatoes and basil sauce in. I added olives and shavings
of Parmesan, then lots of black pepper. Very simple but really really homely. I
put it in a hot oven with the lid on for only five minutes and served. Wow,
gosh, it really was lovely and it will do Boy Wonder for tonight after work and
tomorrow for lunch there’s also enough for me to have for lunch if I want too. And
I have bought the ingredients to make a vegetarian Lasagne for tomorrow too.
Hub had a simple sausage sandwich tonight I didn’t feel bad
as he hasn’t been at work and every single other night I cook for him. Tomorrow
I shall just put a few roast potatoes and chicken in the oven for him. As he
won’t eat vegetarian Lasagne. He’s not even keen on the meat version.
Then for Monday, I have ingredients to make a Mushroom
Stroganoff, but after that, it will be frozen food, and apart from my chilli
from last night, I won’t be eating frozen food. But at least for four nights, I
will have had good food. Four nights good three not, better than seven nights
of nothing. I really hate frozen food but I’m not adventurous in the kitchen so
apart from food that goes into one pot, I’m lost for ideas. I made my special
leek pie a couple of nights ago, I forgot to tell you. It’s so easy. Boil lots
of potatoes. Fry your leeks in a pan so they are just about cooked. I cook them
in butter. Add a little salt. Pop the leeks in a casserole dish and pour over
one can have baked beans in tomato sauce. add four cheese slices on top of the beans.
Then add another can of beans and another four cheese slices. Then when the
potatoes are really soft enough to make mash, do so with lots of butter… adding
a teeny amount of salt to the potatoes. Then when the potatoes are all mashed
lovely, add to the casserole dish and put in an oven for about twenty minutes.
It’s not as healthy as healthy people should eat, but it’s filling comforting
and on cold nights is so welcoming. I always find the next day it tastes so
much better too. I make a large dish of it so it lasts for BW and myself to have
for dinner then there is enough for us both to have some for lunch the next
day. You can cook some sausages if you want to go with it. At least it has
leeks and beans that are good for you but moreover it means if I make that I eat…
I’m the fattest none eating vegetarian in the world. And something has to be
done about it. My friend has told me off like a Mummy should her daughter and I
need to take note but more so I need to believe in myself. How long can my body
run on rubbish and no exercise? So, today I went into the horrid cold garage
and did some fast walking on the treadmill. I hated it as my knees are so painful
now it just killed. It was like electric shocks stabbing away at my knees. I felt
as if my knees were about to smash at any moment and that is abuse of myself
for sure. Last year I was doing so well and this year and the back of last year
I really have let myself go again. But now I’m unhealthier than I have ever
been.
My muscles are dying and so will I if I don’t get a grip and
get a life. I have more to live for now than I have ever had. A loving husband
and my beautiful Son. I have a tiny amount of family members too that I love
very much and I have my friend who has really struck home today. Just please
God, give me strength to stop abusing myself I need to stop being the victim
because I have been one for too many years now. I have no confidence and no
push. I’m as weak as weak can be and I hope that will change. It would help if I
knew certain people or person was happy, I worry too much.
If you are in the same boat as me, let’s row that boat
together and try. I may not get till the end of the week but I really hope to
goodness I do. I really pray I will.
No comments:
Post a Comment