MY DESTINY THE GAMER

 Well my meeting is over and it was a good one. Really successful. I was so anxious my Son even asked why did I look so afraid, I just so badly don’t want to do things wrong. But the lady came and she was really sweet professional clever and we covered what we needed and most importantly, I have lots of work on for the next whenever and what I have done already for her she is happy with. Few double few.

 

I’m a real downer on myself an yet a perfectionist at the same time. Okay, I hear you Bloggets, why is my grammar not perfect? Because I’m not, I just like to think occasionally I can be and that is why sometimes you get my blogs that looked like I have written from a brain of a professor, but they are as rare as raw steak.  When I look back at old blogs, gosh, they were written so much better than I do these days. I don’t know why? I think it’s because in the old days, I used to write from my soul. I now write from my head. Sometimes my heart but mainly my head this is why you get crazy blogs these days as my head isn’t a safe or well place…… Whereas my soul? Well that is a deep and meaningful space where I know for sure has seen many lives over generations I’m positive of it. My soul has a plastic cover on it and rarely gets exposed. So for writing, this isn’t good. I love soul work. My dark deep poetry comes from my soul. I used to totally believe that I wrote words from another person another time. See, my head is writing now, a little Cuckoo. That’s me…. Men in white will pay a visit later.

 

The blog page viewings today have gone a little wild. I’m glad to see you all. Over 350 views just today…. On average we get one hundred. At least two days per week I get about 150 so today is double that, even. The countries today? Sweden, Israel, UK, Germany, India, Australia, US, Poland, Canada, and Russia. That is the top ten. My stats don’t show more than ten sadly. I would love to know how you all find me. Is it through Facebook? Twitter? Google +? Or just your search engine?

Reminds me, a thought I had last night. Okay, so, you have to bear with, it will become obvious, I promise. Haha. Hang in there with me I will get there in the end. So, some days one hundred views are had here, then others three hundred and fifty plus? What makes those extra people look? Is it the titles? If so, what titles are good and what bad? I mean, a poem that gets read every single week at least half a dozen times, is called

 “Why and how

 

I mean, it’s odd. It by a mile has been read more than any other poem I have ever written. Why is this? Is it the title? Or has it been shared? I will try to find it and publish it later again. Its dark should come with a warning.

 

So, my point I was going to make. During the night. The traffic on our road outside our house is constant. But, however, there are other nights like last night, where there was nothing for twenty plus minutes. Not even one or two vehicles. Then, five in a row. Then nothing for ten minutes and then constant traffic. And this will happen once or twice per week. Most nights are “Fewfewfew’fewfew! That was my impression of cars flying by, well, not flying but you know what I mean, right?

 

 You don’t? Oh….

When you read or heard the fewfew’s, haha, were you there with me? On the roadside?

No?

Okay, I will try harder with my engine sounds in the future….

 

So, my theory is, as most of you old Bloggets will remember, we are all involved in a game. We are all pieces on the board game. Porns if you like. Who is our gamer? I don’t know but I bet it’s our maker. He, she or it. We have a life map. Who on earth has been playing me? Oh my lord, pardon the pun. But really, that player is a sicko. Some times in my life I have visited hell. I stayed there for days weeks even years. Not only was I down in hell, but someone had their enormous foot on my head keeping me down. But then, the sun is allowed to shine and I’m lifted. Not for long, but enough to breathe. Now then, is that the same person, the same heavy boot? If so, are they letting me up so they can kick me back down? They keep me alive. Why? Why not move on to another poor unsuspecting game piece

 

Then there are my angelic moments. OK not me being Godly, but I have feelings in absolute desperation that I am being helped. By whom? I can only say or call them or it angels. I have no knowledge of any other name.

 

My angels came and kept a hold of me until I was reunited with my first love my soulmate my Hub.

So the big bad boot, meets the angels. Are they playing against each other? Do the cars through the night get turned on all together and off together? Some sceptics would say this is because of traffic lights. I did think of this. No, none of that makes sense. Because of the timing I mean, half an hour well, almost goes by, if I were waiting at those lights, I would complain…. Hehehe.

 

So dearest Bloggets, let me know what you think? Are we being played?

Our maker, our life map? I mean, there must be times in your life when you can’t explain things and can’t put it down to coincidence? before I end this subject, what do you think? DO you have an opinion about the game of life?

 

Oh, gosh, let’s end this madness now and talk about something that won’t get me new medication….. Joking, thankfully I am not on any.

Yep, I fell into that trap. I heard you saying I should be.

 

Hub has been asking me for a while to stop writing my blogs. Why? He truly hates them he doesn’t like the idea that my ex’s blister in laws are reading my blogs. I think it’s really funny, Hub thinks they have no place in my life and they don’t, I have my Bloggets, and then there are a group of people who read my blogs. Now why do they read them? I’m not sure. They obviously miss me. It’s their way of staying close though me and my ex are through.  They only see into a part of my life that I allow. Same as my Sons dreaded thing. I let her know what I want her to know. So I’m the gamer playing them. There is so much in my life, my Sons life, my Husband’s life and our girls lives that never come onto the blog page. And that will remain. Same as my friends, they tell me all sorts that will never enter into words. This is the stage and not all acts are shown here. My life is a drama well for sure was years ago, I will take a bow when I’m ready for now, your kind words keep me here and until they change, I won’t go. As for what my ex blister in laws think? Well, I past caring about them when I knew they had hearts of stone. The times I needed help. When I first went blind. I had my baby. I was alone. My ex worked hard played hard too it was me and my boy. The times when I phoned one of my blister in laws. I thought we were close. I was desperate for her help. I told her. I never told anyone. I let her into my pain. She blanked me. I thought I could trust her as she went through the same with her Husband. He too was cruel. Well she turned her back on my tears and begging. I stayed in the house for a week. Luckily it was when my Son was on half term holiday so he didn’t need to go to school. I stayed in until the hurt wasn’t obvious. Until there would be no questions asked.  Sadly, if I had of gone out, that one person may have asked a question. I wouldn’t have answered. But, they may have been able to help me. In my naivety, I thought everyone would be the same as my blister in law. I kept quiet. No one was to learn. I put up with hell and stayed in that fire of burning horns.

  Until, until those angels came, worked deep inside of my soul heart mind head and lifted me. Wrapped their cool blankets of feathered wings around me to remove the agonising heat and kept me safe until I was strong enough to cope again on my own.

 

So who are those angels? I still say they play against the big bad boot. How to get rid of that boot all together? Well, I guess that is in my map of life. My paper with the rules on. That is my destiny.