So our 24 hours to visit family? Yes, family, my family?
Weird, I really feel almost as though I am speaking a foreign language saying
that word Well when it comes to mine, as
for so long I have felt the emptiness of having a family and so badly needed
one. The loneliness of not feeling as though I have had one since my parents
died over sixteen years ago has been cruel.
So I was to catch a train to meet them and go off to a
golfing lodge in Durham. I felt so anxious, an yet really excited too! I
haven’t seen my Sister in law in the way I remembered her from days at my Mums
since Teen was born.
As for my baby Niece she is now 33 and her fantastic Husband
who I have really really cared for since the first day I met him, he is an
amazing wonderful genuine kind and such a clever person in a clever kind of way
I love. You know not the University brain like my Hub and my Niece but the very
brilliant brain of reality and a passionate way with his feelings, his words
are almost as poetic as when I get that feeling of when I have written a dark
poem, you know how I tell you I love to write dark poetry? Well, not because I
feel like it’s a masterpiece, but because I love to find words and see the
picture be painted in my mind as I write the lines, well, he is like that, he
can talk to me or a group of people and he has the same fire in his heart, his
language is like how I feel when writing. It’s kind of hard to explain, but
trust me; he is a pure first class gift for my baby Niece. As for her, she has
always been my little darling, there is only 13 years between us, on my bad
days, other days, haha, she is a year older than me, depends how honest I’m
being. Well, when she was little, though I didn’t have much money, I always
made sure I bought her her birthday party dress, it was my tradition I loved to do
for her and the only time we ever saw her in a dress, as she was a little tom
boy and loved her trousers.
Well, now, she has two children of her own, I only saw her
baby girl once when she was three months. As for her little boy, the youngest,
never, he is two.
My oldest Niece is more like my sister. As she was growing
up, I used to take her whenever we went out anywhere and she was the little sibling
I treat at times like a doll, of course thinking I was so grown up taking her
out as I was just a child myself, like when
I took her to see the horses in the nearby field to my Mums house,
sitting her on the wall joking with her, telling her to tell her Mother I saved
her life, as I gently pushed her then went to catch her, but em, well, let’s
say, I missed and caught the air as my Niece fell over the wall, to some very
hungry looking horses. Oh that was for sure an Oopsie moment.
Thank God they tried to eat her but didn’t like the taste of
her and left her to a rather hot and bothered young aunty.
But the days of my girls and my brother and sister in law
had well gone and at a time when I really needed them, when my parents both
died, I went blind and I had a one year old baby to care for, they just had
busy lives and yes it would have been lovely for them to be there for me, like
a lot of people, they just didn’t think, but that was then, this is now, we
have all grown up and all learned hard lessons. Me as much as them. Times of
yesteryear when we were one big happy family had to be put in a box at the back
of my mind with a rather tight lid on! The days when I was first blind, I
couldn’t breathe, I was so terrified, my Mum spent her life trying to find a
cure for me, she killed herself, her life and my Dads fighting for sight for
that cure that would make me normal…
Little did she know, by doing so, it actually made me far
from normal, what normal child has media coverage every week, press following
them down the streets, cameras at the windows of our house because my Mum was
too ill to give an interview that day, I remember having to watch my Mum close
the curtains and go to the front door to shout at them for spying in our house,
it was dreadful. What normal child, who has an eye condition that will
inevitably conclude in blindness, spends her life being told she can’t learn
Braille, or have any mobility training?
I was far from normal, as was my life, and when I woke up
blind, from seeing quite well the day before, my life was over. I wanted to
die. I had to, I couldn’t live. I was still seeing, my brain didn’t know I was
without sight. I can’t remember the name of the condition, but it’s well known
in the medical profession. As I was walking into a room and really froze and screamed
as a man would be standing in front of me, staring at me in a sinister manner.
I had to protect my baby. I was on my own with him. My ex at work or play. Of
course there wasn’t a man there, it was my brain, I didn’t know the condition I
didn’t understand anything like I do now. Thanks for the internet and groups
I’m in, I have learned so much and hope to pass it on to you. When I lost
sight, it isn’t darkness all of the time, you see things, but they are not
there, then it’s red, dark red, then black. Oh that feeling of darkness is
dreadful, but seeing men in your house? Every corner you turn? I wanted to feed my baby his bottle, the day
before I could do his formula, then went blind, I couldn’t see to measure. As
for his nappies? Oh my word, it was dreadful. I didn’t know what to do. When my
ex came in from work, he told me it was my baby and my problem, just as he did
when I needed to study at college later on in life. My studies, I had to find a
way to read, great, no Braille skills, no sight to see print, I had to get a
reader as my ex wouldn’t even do that. I did all the writing work on computer;
thank Goodness for the software that makes this possible and the knowledge of
being able to touch type.
It was so hard; I was totally depressed in a dreadful
marriage of such a sad life and the grief of both parents dying so close to
each other too. I never told anyone how bad life was at home, I only saw the
good side of my ex. He did have very good points, as I have said before; he was
great to my parents. We spent at least three days per week with them, well, I
did, he spent some hours and when he was there, he never stopped working for
them, he was perfect to them and for this I will always be grateful, for
something I won’t be grateful is how badly he treat me and my Son. But
thankfully, now my boy and his father are well again, kind of any way.
Oh how I digress, but I am aware that there are new Bloggets
every day. I tell you half of my life, if I were to tell all, it would read a
very sad story so won’t stress you all out. But setting the picture, I had lost
my family, the only time I saw my brother and family were at my parents. I
never went to his as to be honest, if it was just me and the ex, signs may have
been shown that I didn’t’ want to be seen. At my parents’ house, that could be
disguised.
My sister in law was
the bad apple in the dish as far as I at eleven was told and believed, but not
for long, she lived with us for six months and my parents were very kind to
her, she didn’t take long before she was part of the furniture and I grew to
love her. Then my Niece and I were like sisters as not much between us in age.
Then my baby Niece was born. Oh she was the little treasure.
But now, all grown up, you know what families are like? We forget
and we act. Now I’m not acting, I don’t need to. I am free of all repression
and hidden secrets. And secrets I had about my birth parents that I am so very
disturbed by, another time I needed a family but didn’t have one. Well, this
year, I decided to contact my brother and try to reunite what we had as kids
and find my sister in law again, and though I thought it was impossible, I so
badly wanted her warm sisterly love back. As for my Nieces? Of course they just
kept away, they too were young and sometimes I think I didn’t grow up until I
was thirty. Though in reality, I had to grow up at six, the night I was thrown
into boarding school without any preparation or knowledge of my future there.
I had to know where and when to bathe washed my hair and know
what to wear and when. We for sure weren’t pampered at our school.
Because I had to be so grown up so young, as an adult, I
went backwards and became that child. As for my family, they were the normal
ones. They lived life, not caring about difficult issues. I had to from six.
From Russia and school. Russia is another long story how hellish it was and
really did have huge effects on my life.
But my past, my dreadful an yet different past. Now, my present-day
life. I am strong with battered parts, like an old reliable car. I step out now
and I have views. My Husband sometimes tells me I should keep them to myself,
but sorry, I kept too much to myself for too long. When others had their
parents to tell their problems to, I didn’t. I was away in a very cruel
environment of school. Then from school, married. Again, no one to talk to.
Now? Heck, I’m out there and will talk.
Okay, this blog isn’t the kind of blog I started off, but
just have had a very personal shock and can’t talk about it as it doesn’t involve
me, but really Hub and I right now are quite sad and feel very cross with a
certain thing in life. But I’m not going to let that cloud our weekend of our
visit to my brother and family.
So suitcase was packed. Teen off to work bless him and we
took a taxi to the train station. This time it was lovely, unlike a couple of
weeks ago when we couldn’t get a seat on the train as it was too busy. This
week it was comfortable, until we got to Darlington… Some youths got on
stinking of drugs and so obviously high.
Next stop we were off. Hub found the case and as we stepped
off the train, I received a hug with two heads…
My young Niece was there to meet us. Second head came from
my youngest great Nephew.
He was adorable from the start. A hug and kiss. So cute.
Well, would my Niece be able to guide us? I mean, as I have
said before, my family don’t get blindness. Well, they didn’t. Now? Oh my gosh,
they so did and I for one have been in shock all weekend.
I was really worried how my family would receive us, we drove
to a farm house, it is a golfing lodge surrounded by hills and lakes with golf
courses all around. A huge garden and bigger house.
How would we be in the house, never being there before? Oh I
so didn’t want to show myself up in front of what was for so long strangers,
but before I could say Merry Christmas, were back to being my old family again
and really really, I can’t stress how warm I felt.
My oldest Niece was there with a beautiful Christmas card.
She showed me the card that it was tactile. What? Wow? She really did buy a
card that we could feel? This isn’t my family, why should it be? I’m the one
who would never be blind… Oh I am writing this under a lot of worry right now,
so clouded with this, so it’s a mess, grammar and words all over the place, but
had to write, as I feel very emotional right now and promised I would be here
for you over this what can be for some people a difficult time of year.
So I hope the second part of this story will be written
grammatically correct and with more emotion and more sensible wording?
For now I shall leave you with the picture, it was windy, my
heart was pounding. In front of me outside the car, were sounds of voices of my
older Niece and other children
Wild northern winds were blowing my hair over my face,
whistling by and my young Niece told me to walk forward as she guided my Hub
holding onto my shoulder. What was the house like? Who knows? I learned that
the views were stunning. Up a step and down one into the wonderful hu’u’uge
lodge.
My oldest Nieces bf had the log fire going, like a true boy
scout. The smell was beautiful. There was a large country kitchen the cooker
was on and the heat was welcoming on this brisk December afternoon.
There was a Christmas tree all lit up and the ambiance was incredible
but then it was time to meet with my great Nieces and Nephews. They were all
adorable and I just felt so connected again after many years of healing.
My Brother and Sister in law hadn’t arrived as yet. They
were at the football match, sadly, our team lost, but we were made to feel
toasty with a lovely cup of tea. Oh I’m so excited I simply can’t write.
I shall take time out, sort out this dreadful issue we have
in our family and get back to you without worry and to tell of what happened
next, believe me it was not what I expected. X
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