DID I GO?

Last time I spoke to you, I was really anxious. The thought of going out was so daunting. I was shaking inside. I have never met anyone who suffers as badly as I do. This makes it worse. I have a good friend, who never leaves the house unless he is with someone, but apart from him, no one, and no one who can do it, but fears it so much.

 

That’s me, I know I can do it, though have had some near misses at times where life has been a bit close to danger for my liking.

 

I knew if I did anything before leaving the house, well, I would not have left.

 

So I gathered everything together and turned the key in the door. That is the hardest part, actually knowing you are going to do it. Once you have stepped outside, you feel better, kind of numb I suppose.

 

Oh the traffic was dreadful today too. So noisy.

 

Wagga is terrified of noise. I can feel it in her harness this doesn’t fill me, with confidence.

 

Got to our shop and it was that stupid woman on who won’t walk round with me. She won’t because of her religion and the dog thing.

 

It’s a shame, as she is really nice, though my Son worked there last year and he won’t agree with my analyses on her.

 

I got some money too, so that’s good. And on our way home. Wagga always misbehaves going home more than going.

 

As the traffic pounded past me, with high performing cars, proudly showing that their car could go the fastest, I was almost deaf.

 

Because I was anxious, my feet today were like wooden clubs. I couldn’t feel anything. That is not a good thing when I use them to learn where I am.

 

Walking along slapped in the face by a huge branch and then a thorny bramble clawed my face. I was dizzy as the cars seemed to come towards me. I never know for sure if I am on the road or path I get in so much of a state.

 

The road is so loud and busy, the path is so narrow.

 

Also I am rubbish at walking straight? I must do it though, but don’t really know. When you can’t see to your left and right, you can get disoriented.

 

Pathetic I know. But not everyone is the same. Not everyone is a go getter and as strong as you.

 

I have learned something, never to leave going out on my own this long again, though it has not been two weeks, it feels like a lifetime.

 

But I did it, it was ages before I knew I was in the right direction coming home, this is where my dog is great, I call her, as she has made some huge mistakes in her past, but without her there is no way I could use the white cane on this route.

 

Because I get dizzy, I couldn’t walk confidently enough.

 

So I’m back and I am relieved.

 

Do I feel proud? No, not yet, but tonight in bed when I have thinking time, I will be happy that I did it.

 

If I hadn’t I would have lay there hating myself. Feeling more useless.

 

My eyes are suffering today and yesterday with pains I don’t like.

I feel as though there is an elastic band on them and they are getting ready to be squeezed out.

Head ache too. Stress.

 

Loads to do as we are off to visit our school friends tomorrow.

 

There are going to be loads of us, not only school pals, but the hosts neighbours some family members and other friends of his.

 

As for school friends? Well, about six of us and a house Mother who was in charge of the deaf blind children?

 

Altogether, about thirty of us.

 

Children of our friends old and young will be there too.

 

My boy working. I have some beef I will make him a hot pot for tomorrow as won’t be there for his lunch.

 

So going to make a cup of tea now and calm myself down.

 

Must go back out again on Monday though on my own. Tomorrow, a lot of transport, but will be with Hub.

 

Later gators. Enjoy your weekend. X