END OF YEAR THOUGHTS 2014

Just hours to go in the UK before we are into next year. So a reflection on 2014! What kind of year has it been for you?

 

We almost saw Scotland leaving the UK. This would have been very sad. We are small as it is without losing our neighbours. Thankfully voters came out and decided that the majority wanted to stay with us. If they had left, what next? More wars between Scotland and England? In a world where we are seeing wars throughout the globe. The world has gone crazy this year; it’s almost like a hell on earth now. We live in fear and even yesterday’s news of a two year old child in America shooting their Mother in the shopping centre as the child got their parents gun. I mean, what is the world coming to?

 

Children being stolen for slavery and women being raped and treat like they are men’s some kind of sex toys is a disgrace. It’s as though there has been some kind of air released to make everyone appear mad. I just wish that an alien would come down and tell us all we are on limited time if we don’t start to behave?

As I have said in blogs before, what good does crime and evil do you? If you murder someone, what kind of God will forgive you? If you die, what will that do to your family? Will it make them happy?

I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself or those you love.

 

If only everyone would wish for peace, what a beautiful nation we would live in. To wake up every day to silence, then hear the birds singing, and happy laughter passing your window. To be able to go to work or out for a walk or just to sit in your garden and know you are safe. How beautiful would that be?

 

There is enough damage going on in the world with our leaders causing trouble without us joining in too! I really hope 2015 will see the ending of hell on earth and something will happen to shock those who are determined to kill this beautiful land we have been given.

 

2014 for me has been a very difficult year. Started with my Husband quitting his job of 22 years. A huge decision and brave one some would say stupid and irresponsible, but to be honest if he carried on on doing what he was doing, I’m not too sure we would be free of bad health right now. His last job took years from my life for sure. The constant worry about where he was in the world, had he managed to get from the airport to his hotel on his own? A blind person to travel alone is not good as specially the countries he used to visit.

 

Well, within a couple of months, he found out he had received a new job. That ended the worries of how we would pay for the house we lived in and our three children. But the stress in the meanwhile was awful. He was the only one out of over fifty people who applied for his position who couldn’t see, this isn’t a good start in the work place, but thankfully his wonderful boss, who sadly has now moved on to another place in the same organisation believed in my Husband and thanks to my Husbands team, they have made a huge impact on the organisation. Our wage is half what we used to see, but our life is easier, though it has taken the whole year to come down from the horrid stage of stress to realise there is no need for those feelings anymore. Stress I can leave most of it in 2014.

 

I had enormous problems with our Son at the start of the year thanks to an idiot and the family they are linked to, but that prevailed and we have moved on from there. Our Son is doing great in life with his job and college and the girls are doing brilliant at their school and have a bright future. We have kids almost the same age so going through the worries of them all together. Oh I for one can’t wait to see them all grown up settled with loving partners and visit us with their families for loving days of laughter and thanking God the days of teenagers has long gone. I wouldn’t wish these years on my worst enemies.

 

This year has seen the ending of a friendship I have had for over twenty five years, though that person will forever be in my heart and I will always care for them. I have sorted out who is a true friend and who are not and those who aren’t are gone from my life. I can’t be bothered with two faced people and those who regard my words as nonsense whereas others only talk the truth, yeah, right…

 

I have reconciled a friendship that faded for a while but have stood by friends who are there always and who don’t change and have never changed in all the years I have known them. These are my true friends.

 

As for my blindness, I would say that two thousand and fourteen has been a year of new and old pains in my eyes and very oddsymtums that have occurred that even the medics don’t know the cause, this has worried me, but at the same time, there is hope for the future for me having just a little bit of sight again and the future being very soon, rather than in twenty years. More like two years according to the medics.

 

I guess this is why this year has been a year where my blindness has mattered less than ever before and I feel more comfortable with it, because it’s not here forever, who knows, or it could be that I have just accepted it. Though still have very sad days when life does get on top of us.

 

In my personal life this year, I have suffered a lot. So much hasn’t gone into blogs, but my Husband and I are a team and are there for each other so we can get by the obstacles.

 

Our daughters are in our lives more now and this is a gift I will be always grateful for. I know that my Husband has had his heart pulled out not waking up to their voices each day, but again, he and I had to make difficult decisions to be together. Thankfully I was able to keep my Son as he is my right arm and has been since he was born. And I know our girls will now allow themselves to be in our lives as they become older and there is so much love here for them they will never know how much.

 

Okay, perhaps I’m rambling on, I have so much to say and want it to be published this year, hehehe. So I shall get on with it. Basically, one day I may be able to tell you of my personal heart ache, but not now, but believe me it’s been difficult.

 

Though you will know that I was reunited again with my big brother and my family, again, I can say my family. This still sounds foreign to me. But when I met them, it was so comfortable and wonderful. This has been the best gift of the year and to know that they are all back in my life is wonderful. To say goodbye to the past and hello to the future is brilliant.

 

I hope for 2015 to be a great year for you all. A new start.

 

Thank you for all your views this year. Really it makes me feel worth something to know people come here and return. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you all. Words fail me as I don’t think the English language have such vocabulary to express ones feelings of gratitude, but on days when I have felt worthless, you have all been there with your statistics and kind words comments and emails also other forms of contact to me. I am so delighted that the blogs are helping you or entertaining you in some way and it’s blind partially sighted and sighted people who are looking, this is also what makes it worth it. Some days I can spend up to eight hours writing, so it’s a full time job, but a job I love and I hope just one person has been helped this year with something they have read here. Even if it is something like reading about my struggles I have getting to the shops, if I can do it, I hope you will try and if not yet, perhaps 2015 is your year. If you don’t change your life, no one else will. It has to be your decision. I’m not here to force you; I’m here to hold your hand no matter what decision you make.

OK, next year I will write again tell you about my New Year and what I hope for in 2015.

 

Until then, this is what is going to happen or thought to happen in 2015

United Nations proclaims 2015 to be the international year of light.

Well, for those who can’t see light, I hope we will hear of a huge breakthrough for giving sight to the blind.

 

They say that in 2015 the Lord may return to earth. Something to do with four Blood moons. On certain dates, the moon will appear to be red. This has only occurred three times in history on Jewish holy days.

Consider this: In the Bible’s Book of Joel, Chapter 3:3-4 you can read, “And I will show wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke. The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and terrible day of the Lord come.”

Well, I think we have gone through the darkness this year, time for the light please?

What will happen to the great Dalai Lama? When he dies, I fear for his religion, for it will become an occupation rather than a gift to the people. He is reported to be very ill!

 

Happy New Year Bloggets.

BLOGGET STATS AND THE GANGSTER

About to go to bed. Hub is on the treadmill. I am also on it in my mind. I really need to get on that machine of hell. Talking of machines of hell, yesterday we were to sell our Sons weight machine. Really, it’s a torture apparatus. It looks evil. It sold on EBay for a small amount of money, but better out of our garage as it takes up a lot of room. Our boy knew of the sale as he was keen to receive the money for it. You see he has gone beyond that weight now; he goes to the gym to lift heavier weights. Oh, heck, the man who bought it? He sounded awful on the phone. A real Mafia or gangster. Not someone I would like to meet with on a dark night, well, guess what? We were to meet with him.

 

Teen at work, the sale was up to us. Hub and I almost broke our back and the light to the garage as well as anything that got in our way. Well, when the machine went in the garage, it was fine, coming out? A new garage door equals difficulty getting the blooming thing out.

 

We managed and the van pulls up with the Right Brothers inside a van…

Oh their voices spoke words of their not so handsome looks. There was Hub and I dealing with dodgy men in the dark and money.

 

We did it though, doors locked and few double few.

 

Only to receive a text telling us there was a bit missing. Haha haha, oh no’o’o?

They would come back next day/today.

 

The old man did and he was as horrid as he was yesterday.

 

He gave me the creeps.

 

Well, we gave the mafia gangster man some money back to say sorry for him having to come back for the missing bit that was in teens bedroom. I mean, teen knew that the man was coming for the machine, but didn’t tell us of the missing part? Nice one…

Oh well, all Okay in the end.

I don’t like selling things though when they know we can’t see as it could be dangerous.

Now my Husband is in there, on the treadmill and its dark he won’t put a light on, I would if I went in there even though I can’t see. The blooming mice can hehehe. Not that we have any, yet.

 

The street is silent you would think there was no one living here. It’s peaceful I wonder what it will be like tomorrow evening for New Year?

 

I’m sure I will have lots to write about our New Year’s events… I’m not really a New Year person, more of a Christmas kind of gal.

 

Though will be very happy to see the end of this year… Lots to write about this year tomorrow, it has been the most eventful year for a long time for me.

 

Whatever you are doing or not doing, I hope you will be happy and safe?

 Thank you so much for all your views and for coming back time after time. The first few months I wrote this, I received six thousand views, and then last year we got to twenty four thousand, this year we have made a huge thirty six thousand. Amazing. I love you all for this and can’t thank you enough. Here are the stats for the month of December and in total at the end.  Thank you to all of the countries that are not on this list, this is the top ten most viewed, sadly my stats only show the top ten for the month and in total, but we have had about sixty countries viewing this blog. I have written 1871 blogs in total in 28 months. With love always.

United States	773
United Kingdom	549
Ukraine	306
Russia	103
France	57
Canada	28
Australia	19
Poland	14
Germany	13
Indonesia	11
In total we have United Kingdom   United States	17486
Ukraine	6615
Russia	2175
Germany	1498
Mexico	640
Japan	595
France	515
Canada	410
Poland	256

 

OPEN A LITTLE WIDER TRUE FRIENDS

Today I went through trauma. Really.

I was to go to the dentist, remember the one who is young enough to be my Son? Who last time I was there a week ago, was terrified at the prospect of giving me the treatment that the older dentist said was necessary. Well, really it’s nothing too bad, but you would think I was about to have an operation to have my left leg removed, after heart surgery!!!

 

I could almost hear the young lad’s heart pounding with anticipation of this treatment. So today was the day, I was anxious as I knew he, was too! This doesn’t fill me with confidence. On our way there it was like an ice rink. Oh I was scared stiff. I am not a fan of falling down. It’s a long way to fall. As I grabbed onto Hubs arm, he told me we look like right ones, he’s been living with me and teen too long, he’s bothered about his appearance, he never has been before hahahaha.

 

I told him through gritted teeth that I looked better holding his arm though I also had hold of Waggatails harness, oh Wagga was attached to the end of it too, and I haven’t gone so mad I take the harness for a walk without a guide dog? Hehehehehe.

Than I would if I was sprawled across the pavement.

 

Well, we got there, I let go of Hubs arm as Wagga did her stuff. She is great at finding the dentist, much better than Long Chops. Love it too when she goes up the stairs, as every time the stairs come to an ending and the new stairs start, she stops and waits for commands to go forward. Some things she really does behave like a guide dog, just don’t see those actions oftern…

 

We got to the reception and a voice asked can I help you. Well, last time I heard that, I answered yes, to find out that she wasn’t talking to me, so this time I ignored her. Hehehehe. Well, she was talking to me. Long story short, she freaked out when she saw I couldn’t see. She told me to sit down. What, on the floor in front of the reception?

 No, I behaved myself and let Wagga find the seats

Luckily there was no one in them.

Okay, didn’t have to wait long, Hub was on call from work and he received a few calls that were rather amusing as he talked about “Him being overweight and to up his intake to 160 twice per day!”

Making it sound like he was a doctor advising on a prescription, rather than an overweight dog scrounging for Christmas food…

I could tell the people waiting for their punishment, sorry, no for their dentist appointment, were thinking, hang on a second, he’s blind, how can he be a Doctor? And when Hub said to call him back if there was no change and to let him know how he was feeling later on? Hehehehehe.

 

Oh then it was my turn. Oh my word. It was the worst thing. The little boy playing at being a Dentist tortured me for fifty minutes and I still six hours later haven’t got over the shock.

 

I have come away with the wrong treatment done; I’m dizzy and so very sleepy. All that without any medication or drugs. Just fear.

 

I tell you how I didn’t drowned is beyond me. I have never felt so much water in a dentist. I got a shower. My hair, face and shoulders soaked.

 

I had those not so attractive glasses on and looked a right one but still the water got under them. As for the bib they put on me? I needed a rain coat.

 

Anyway, got home, glad to be home and now totally exhausted, I will sleep tonight. I still don’t know where the heck I am.

 

Teen worked today and is home now but going out later to the gym.

 

Sorry I didn’t write a blog yesterday, but was busy going to our friends Trix, Hanz and Likes. Yes funny names. Bless them.

Well, we got to the train station; we have seen a lot of that place of late. This time we were met by a very nice man from Italy. Yes he did work there, he wasn’t just a random person, he walked so slowly, I was almost dragging him, but he was lovely and did get us to our seats this time. It’s only half an hour from Trix’s house. Sadly a nightmare by taxi from ours to the station though and so deer. Almost £12 and it’s only two and a half miles there.

 

Anyway, we got there and as always had a lovely day. They are our dearest friends and Trix was my best friend way back when we were six and seven when we first met. My first night at awful boarding school, I was put in a bed next to her in the dormitory, I didn’t know it at the time until the next day when the dragon woke us up with steam coming from her mouth, but when I learned that Trix was near me, I befriended her and after six years of being friends, she went her way me mine at different schools and 28 years later, we were reunited.

We are the same now as we were as kids. We will be there forever for each other. And now her family are mine. I love them. My adorable Hanz, even calls me aunty. And I think of her as my Niece.

 

As for Like, Trix’s Husband, I love him. The whole family were there including the little addition to the family who is a funny little bunny. Trix did some lovely food and we exchanged Christmas gifts.

 

It was a great day and I am truly grateful to know of such good people. People who stick by you through thick and thin. True friends.

 

We got back and saw to the dogs, we couldn’t be too long as we had left them on their own, then we had to wait for the Mafia, really, another blog, it wasn’t a good wait, believe me. Let’s just say, Hub and I were not too comfortable with who came to our door, but as I say another blog for another day…

 

Okay, now Hub is in the garage. Kind of links to yesterday’s story… So I must help him, or maybe not? Hahahah.

 

January looks to be filling up. Our girls are coming soon can’t wait to see them and our friend is coming too from Scotland and great news, my little Niece is coming to see us with the little ones. Really looking forward to that, then Trix and family are coming through at some point too. I’m a very lucky Fifi Blogget. And a very happy one that she has all of you as my Bloggets. Tomorrow the last day of the year, a reflective blog and if I get time I will write about our visitors yesterday. Until then, with love. X

DIARY THINKING OF YOU ALL

Good day Bloggets. Well, yesterday’s blog has gone viral. My blog on the timepiece I bought Hub for Christmas. I can’t believe how many people have read that blog. I must say though it’s a quality watch and I love it because sighted people have been buying something that blind can use. At last we can be equal to the sighted crew, haha.

 

Well the turkey has left the house. Almost. I can’t believe how much turkey my boys have eaten in just a few days? 11lbs of meat each in three days. Hub made a broth out of the carcass. Yack, double yack. But they love it.

 

I seriously need to starve as I have put on all the weight I have lost over the year in a week. My stomach hurts with eaten, though; I have eaten nothing compared to how much I could intake many years ago. I live on almost nothing most of the year so because I have been eating Christmas feast food, my stomach has gone into shock.

 

My darling Son is in cleaning mode. Wow, this house smells so good. I really don’t understand it, I can’t remember the last time he was like this, and he is like a mini me. The house smells so clean. Bless him, he has the steamer and is cleaning the two bathrooms and has vacuumed all upstairs. I’m not complaining.

 

Tomorrow we are visiting good friends, so another train journey. We are not there too long as we need to be back to see to our dogs, can’t take them the transport may be dreadful and it’s not fair on them. I must say though I don’t like travelling without my Hubs faithful beasty girl.

 

The sun is shining today but thick ice outside.

 

Tomorrow night I’m a little afraid as a stranger is coming to the house to buy something, more on that tomorrow. But teen will be at work.

 

I love my old homemade chips in a good old fashioned dangerous chip pan; Hub threw it out when we moved here. Oh how I miss the chips from those days? I hate frozen chips, they are disgusting. So Hub bought me a fryer for Christmas. You put in only one spoonful of oil and it turns to cook the food. I was a little apprehensive as I know they are deer so didn’t want to disappoint my Husband, but to be truthful, the chips were lovely from the machine and it’s totally safe and much more healthy. I would give my old chips ten out of ten. Frozen chips about two or three and these ones about six.

 

I bought Hub a juicer; I think as a family, we need to drink more fresh juice. It’s a way to put in vegetables too. So we have that to try out.

 

Teen got some kind of steamer for his room. It’s like a blooming sauna in there. But he loves it. It’s meant to be good for the air. Well, not sure about the paintwork?

 

Yesterday for pudding we ate the Christmas pud. Really we have been so full we couldn’t do it the days before. So Teen set fire to the pudding with brandy, it was delicious. With brandy sauce. The boys had thick cream on theirs.

 

Christmas is winding down, though tree and decorations still up. If it was up to me I would take them down now, but Hub wants them up till New Year.

 

Today and yesterday, my left eye is killing me. It’s normally my right, but not the past couple of days. It’s like someone has put a knife in there and is kicking it in further. I can hardly open it.

 

I hope you are all well and are in good health?

 

Loads to talk about when I have more time, but for now just wanted to pop into your world for a while and tell you I’m thinking of you all. X

AT LAST A FASHIONABLE WATCH FOR BLIND AND SIGHTED

Good day Bloggets, I have some news on one of Hubs Christmas presents I bought him, I couldn’t write about it before, but can now, as the man in red has delivered his gifts and one of them my Husband has wanted since he first heard about it in the summer.

 

Those who are blind may know that when it comes to style/fashion, a Braille watch doesn’t rank high in the must have section. Well, perhaps (TIME) has changed?

“I will not let my blindness build a brick wall around me!”

Created as collaboration among engineers, product designers and people with vision loss, the Bradley timepiece, allows you to feel what time it is. Instead of traditional watch hands, time is indicated vie two ball bearings. The front bearing indicates minutes and the side indicates hands. They are controlled by magnets moving inside the titanium case. The timepiece is named after Bradley Snyder, who lost his sight whilst serving as a bomb diffuser in Afghanistan in 2011.

 

Resolved to continue living his life, Brad, won gold and silver medals at the 2012 Paralympics.

 

You can get different kinds of straps but the one Hub has is metal. Silver. The watch is rather large but teen who is a fashion guru loves it, and says he would wear it. 80% of sales are bought for sighted people. It’s certainly a talking piece Bloggets. It is still very difficult to buy in the UK, but in Europe and America it’s easy, if you want to know where to buy it in the UK, details at the bottom of this blog. The lady I spoke to on the phone was lovely, very helpful. It retails about £195 in the UK. Less in America and more in Italy.

 

I now need a lovely ladies watch, one that looks good enough for sighted people to want please? Just because we can’t see, doesn’t mean we have to wear horrid jewellery.

 

Watch elements Preston & Duckworths on line store

01603 610786

CHRISTMAS DAY IN FI'S FAMILY

 

Good day Bloggets, how are you all? I am in my conservatory, it’s really cold out there, and the house smells of turkey stock that my Husband is making for Turkey broth! Teen in bed still and one out of two dogs has a big smile on her face as she spent the night on our couch a sleep. Not intentionally, but the living room door was left open last night. Thankfully the coffee Hub got for Christmas from our lovely friends Vivi and John, was put away safely as you know what she is like for thieving coffee? When my Aunt brought Hub some and left it in her bag, little Wagga stole it. It took two days to calm the blooming dog down…

 

Yesterday we had a lovely day. We woke up and needed to see if Santa had been. Learned he had, so woke teen up. It was funny the night before, as I told my Son to leave milk out for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph. Oh he was so funny; he grumbled and said “Mum, really, I’m seventeen!” I told him just because he was seventeen, didn’t mean he didn’t have to let Santa go thirsty or Rudolph hungry. Show his appreciation…. Oh it took about ten minutes to get him to do his Christmas Eve duty.

 

Well, he moaned and groaned left the living room and banged about the kitchen. He always does this before bed though, normally making himself a cup of something or something to eat.

 

When he went to bed I went into the kitchen to see if he had done the deed? He had not only a glass of milk, but the carrot and chopped into three, obviously so that it will be easier for Rudolph to manage. Haha haha. Bless him. I love that boy.

 

The things he does to pacify his Mum. Then I went to try to help the big man out, as the children who read this, you know, Mummy’s and Daddy’s well, grownups in general have to do their best to help Santa, otherwise he gets all in a fluster. I wanted to bring some gifts down I had been hiding for Hub so that Santa didn’t have to bring too much. Only to find that I had forgot to wrap the blooming things…. So half past the pumpkin hour, I was wrapping gifts.

 

We went downstairs, opened our stockings. Then our gifts. Oh our Son is always so grateful for everything we get him and he really was lovely and generous with his gifts to us. Hub bought me so much as ever. When I first met him, he said he was spoiling me for all the years I didn’t get anything, but then the year after and after then and now six Christmas’s down the line, he is still spoiling me. I received my beautiful bracelet before Christmas, and yesterday the most amazing earrings. I got perfumes, beautiful hair products and two handbags. From my friends, I received stunning slippers, a Gorgeous candle a mug with my name on and funny thing, Hub received the same mug with his name on it, and we laughed saying we would be using each other’s cups as they felt the same so we wouldn’t know the difference. I got a lovely picture of my beautiful dogs. Teen says it’s lovely as all three are looking at the camera. That was from Arty.  We have no picture of my dear Hannah; we did miss her as she loved Christmas. Teen did well he also received gifts of money and a voucher from others and from us he got lots of clothes and tech gifts Hub gets him. Lots of smellies too.

 

Teen was really kind to us as well, buying us lovely things. So kind. We spent the day before Christmas preparing the Christmas lunch so not much to do yesterday and teen served it all. There was so much food, we didn’t know whether to eat it or climb it.

 

We burned the candle on the table and pulled our crackers, wore our silly hats and teen read the jokes. We had Christmas music on and had a wonderful family Christmas lunch. Our house was full of love, the best gift anyone can receive. I spoke to my Brother and Sister in law on the phone, that was brilliant and my two Nieces text me a few times throughout the day. Hub spoke to  our girls, I know he misses them so much, as do I, and I asked Hub if one year soon, next or the year after, if he thought it would be possible for the girls to come here for Christmas, he said he really hopes so.

 

We had a lovely day and evening. Teen went to bed for a couple of hours at tea time then we enjoyed chocolates and telly together. A great evening full of warmth.

 

With love always, until later gators. X

PAVEMENT OF PROMISES

A very quick blog to wish you all a very happy Christmas. Today has been a busy one but really lovely. Hub and I have spent the day cooking. The house smells lovely. Really festive. I made stuffing and Hub made the meat stuffing for him and our boy. We have small sausages wrapped in bacon they call them pigs in blankets…. Thank Goodness I’m a vegetarian. Turkey all cooked, that took hours to cook. I pealed all of the vegetables and that includes turnips, carrots sprouts, yack, and parsnips. I also made homemade Yorkshire pudding mix all ready to put in the oven tomorrow. We will have mash potato and roast potatoes too and gravy with a touch of sherry in for added flavour also homemade mushy peas. It’s a northern thing I’m sure as finding them in the shops here was almost impossible, my Aunt brought them with her when she came. I can’t have Christmas dinner without them

 

There will be the things like cranberry sauce too and of course we have brandy sauce for dessert for the Christmas pudding. Table all set as we have just finished tea. First time we had time today to eat. I made a small party tea. We have all the candles lit and crackers all ready for tomorrow with party hat and joke inside. Crackers we pull; they make a bang, for all our Bloggets who don’t know what they are. All our lights are on in the house, and in the garden. The tree is waiting for Santa to deliver his gifts and our dogs are rather excited to see what they are going to get. Teen been out all day and yesterday, he has had a nice time I’m sure with his gf.

 

So now all home and about to watch the Christmas shows we have recorded. I love this time of year and this year even more. I am filled with happiness and excitement. I feel so tearful in a good way for the past few days what has gone on in my life, I also realise how much we miss the girls and Hub and I were just saying how one day we hope to have all three kids at Christmas with us. I really miss the two girls and at this time of year more so. I don’t think we are seeing them for a couple of weeks. I kind of hope earlier?

 

Who would have guessed that this year I would be back with my family? It’s been a dreadful year for me, and to lose my darling Hannah, otherwise known as BB Black beauty, my first guide dog. The loss of her was so painful, but we still have our other two and they are a handful.

 

For those who really are feeling sad and alone now, please believe me, for so many years I was like you. Your lives can change without you even knowing it’s going to happen. You never know what is around the corner. Also, my dear Bloggets, for those who don’t have love in their lives, who feel worthless, who don’t have delicious food on their table or a warm fire to keep them from the frost, I pray that your lives will change for the better. For those who are ill now, remember if it’s possible, to help yourselves as much as you can. Know that out there is a life waiting for you. For those who are really grieving, I feel for you, I really do. But so many bad things in life can suddenly turn around and some good can come out of it.

 

I need you all in my life. I need to feel your hands in mine and together we can walk the pavements of promises!

THE CHRISTMAS LODGE WITH THE FAMILY PART 2

So the room we were in was enormous so very cosy. I was sat next to the Christmas tree. On my far left was the log burner and happy voices filled the air. I totally can’t tell you exactly how I felt, so proud to be with the love of my life and to show him my family. We have our, family, my Father in law, lovely brother in laws and their partners and our three children, so they are our family, Hubs family, but they don’t belong to just me, apart from Teen. He’s mine, but the people at the lodge were my family and they gave me a feeling of completion.

 

 A car pulled up outside and my Brother and Sister in law came in the house. Children ran to them pleased to see them. The house was starting to have savoury fragrances of cooking. In walked the two of them. My Sister in law was so lovely. Oh gosh, really, these words don’t do the feelings I had justice. To me the moment was incredulous! As though a dream. A Christmas movie. Out in the cold for so long and now complete. To be perfect would have our three children there too, but there is time, I know there is time now.

 

To hear my family’s voices, my dark vision was bubbling with pride. My Nieces were so brilliant, the children were fantastic and made me realise how many years I had missed, but to be honest, those years were lost years, years when I had to fix myself.

 

We sat at the table; I was really really in a trance. How could this be?

 

These were the people I always used to pray to have. Nights when I was so hurt, so much in pain and needed desperately to receive help. Bruised and with a sore face with rusty like tears, I spent many sad lonely times just wishing for peace. I feel I now have it. Counselling depression tablets and heart ache are all in the past, I have one issue to deal with then I can begin my life. If only they knew how much this time meant to me?  Oh I am so happy.

 

We got dressed up for the evening, went for a meal and watched a show. Hub got very drunk, I wasn’t sure about that, but it was brilliant to see him dancing, he loved it, I loved seeing him so happy. And that man can move? Haha, he says he hates dancing, but why? I know it’s because when you have never seen, you don’t really know how to dance, but boy he did…

 

At the end of the evening, mini bus took us to the lodge and in we walked to the crackling of the logs on the fire. My little Niece made me a cup of tea and we all sat in front of the tree talking, it was great. My older Niece stayed dancing as she never goes out, she and her bf came back and we went to bed after listening to Christmas songs and my little Niece’s wonderful Husband put on Cathedral music which delighted Hub as he was right at home then. His kind of music. Carrols and family, sweet mince pies and laughter. Comfort and dreams that really can come true!

 

THE CHRISTMAS LODGE WITH THE FAMILY

So our 24 hours to visit family? Yes, family, my family? Weird, I really feel almost as though I am speaking a foreign language saying that word  Well when it comes to mine, as for so long I have felt the emptiness of having a family and so badly needed one. The loneliness of not feeling as though I have had one since my parents died over sixteen years ago has been cruel.

 

So I was to catch a train to meet them and go off to a golfing lodge in Durham. I felt so anxious, an yet really excited too! I haven’t seen my Sister in law in the way I remembered her from days at my Mums since Teen was born.

 

As for my baby Niece she is now 33 and her fantastic Husband who I have really really cared for since the first day I met him, he is an amazing wonderful genuine kind and such a clever person in a clever kind of way I love. You know not the University brain like my Hub and my Niece but the very brilliant brain of reality and a passionate way with his feelings, his words are almost as poetic as when I get that feeling of when I have written a dark poem, you know how I tell you I love to write dark poetry? Well, not because I feel like it’s a masterpiece, but because I love to find words and see the picture be painted in my mind as I write the lines, well, he is like that, he can talk to me or a group of people and he has the same fire in his heart, his language is like how I feel when writing. It’s kind of hard to explain, but trust me; he is a pure first class gift for my baby Niece. As for her, she has always been my little darling, there is only 13 years between us, on my bad days, other days, haha, she is a year older than me, depends how honest I’m being. Well, when she was little, though I didn’t have much money, I always made sure I bought her her birthday  party dress, it was my tradition I loved to do for her and the only time we ever saw her in a dress, as she was a little tom boy and loved her trousers.

 

Well, now, she has two children of her own, I only saw her baby girl once when she was three months. As for her little boy, the youngest, never, he is two.

 

My oldest Niece is more like my sister. As she was growing up, I used to take her whenever we went out anywhere and she was the little sibling I treat at times like a doll, of course thinking I was so grown up taking her out as I was just a child myself, like when  I took her to see the horses in the nearby field to my Mums house, sitting her on the wall joking with her, telling her to tell her Mother I saved her life, as I gently pushed her then went to catch her, but em, well, let’s say, I missed and caught the air as my Niece fell over the wall, to some very hungry looking horses. Oh that was for sure an Oopsie moment.

 

Thank God they tried to eat her but didn’t like the taste of her and left her to a rather hot and bothered young aunty.

 

But the days of my girls and my brother and sister in law had well gone and at a time when I really needed them, when my parents both died, I went blind and I had a one year old baby to care for, they just had busy lives and yes it would have been lovely for them to be there for me, like a lot of people, they just didn’t think, but that was then, this is now, we have all grown up and all learned hard lessons. Me as much as them. Times of yesteryear when we were one big happy family had to be put in a box at the back of my mind with a rather tight lid on! The days when I was first blind, I couldn’t breathe, I was so terrified, my Mum spent her life trying to find a cure for me, she killed herself, her life and my Dads fighting for sight for that cure that would make me normal…

 

Little did she know, by doing so, it actually made me far from normal, what normal child has media coverage every week, press following them down the streets, cameras at the windows of our house because my Mum was too ill to give an interview that day, I remember having to watch my Mum close the curtains and go to the front door to shout at them for spying in our house, it was dreadful. What normal child, who has an eye condition that will inevitably conclude in blindness, spends her life being told she can’t learn Braille, or have any mobility training?

 

I was far from normal, as was my life, and when I woke up blind, from seeing quite well the day before, my life was over. I wanted to die. I had to, I couldn’t live. I was still seeing, my brain didn’t know I was without sight. I can’t remember the name of the condition, but it’s well known in the medical profession. As I was walking into a room and really froze and screamed as a man would be standing in front of me, staring at me in a sinister manner. I had to protect my baby. I was on my own with him. My ex at work or play. Of course there wasn’t a man there, it was my brain, I didn’t know the condition I didn’t understand anything like I do now. Thanks for the internet and groups I’m in, I have learned so much and hope to pass it on to you. When I lost sight, it isn’t darkness all of the time, you see things, but they are not there, then it’s red, dark red, then black. Oh that feeling of darkness is dreadful, but seeing men in your house? Every corner you turn?  I wanted to feed my baby his bottle, the day before I could do his formula, then went blind, I couldn’t see to measure. As for his nappies? Oh my word, it was dreadful. I didn’t know what to do. When my ex came in from work, he told me it was my baby and my problem, just as he did when I needed to study at college later on in life. My studies, I had to find a way to read, great, no Braille skills, no sight to see print, I had to get a reader as my ex wouldn’t even do that. I did all the writing work on computer; thank Goodness for the software that makes this possible and the knowledge of being able to touch type.

 

It was so hard; I was totally depressed in a dreadful marriage of such a sad life and the grief of both parents dying so close to each other too. I never told anyone how bad life was at home, I only saw the good side of my ex. He did have very good points, as I have said before; he was great to my parents. We spent at least three days per week with them, well, I did, he spent some hours and when he was there, he never stopped working for them, he was perfect to them and for this I will always be grateful, for something I won’t be grateful is how badly he treat me and my Son. But thankfully, now my boy and his father are well again, kind of any way.

 

Oh how I digress, but I am aware that there are new Bloggets every day. I tell you half of my life, if I were to tell all, it would read a very sad story so won’t stress you all out. But setting the picture, I had lost my family, the only time I saw my brother and family were at my parents. I never went to his as to be honest, if it was just me and the ex, signs may have been shown that I didn’t’ want to be seen. At my parents’ house, that could be disguised.

 

 My sister in law was the bad apple in the dish as far as I at eleven was told and believed, but not for long, she lived with us for six months and my parents were very kind to her, she didn’t take long before she was part of the furniture and I grew to love her. Then my Niece and I were like sisters as not much between us in age. Then my baby Niece was born. Oh she was the little treasure.

 

But now, all grown up, you know what families are like? We forget and we act. Now I’m not acting, I don’t need to. I am free of all repression and hidden secrets. And secrets I had about my birth parents that I am so very disturbed by, another time I needed a family but didn’t have one. Well, this year, I decided to contact my brother and try to reunite what we had as kids and find my sister in law again, and though I thought it was impossible, I so badly wanted her warm sisterly love back. As for my Nieces? Of course they just kept away, they too were young and sometimes I think I didn’t grow up until I was thirty. Though in reality, I had to grow up at six, the night I was thrown into boarding school without any preparation or knowledge of my future there.

 

I had to know where and when to bathe washed my hair and know what to wear and when. We for sure weren’t pampered at our school.

 

Because I had to be so grown up so young, as an adult, I went backwards and became that child. As for my family, they were the normal ones. They lived life, not caring about difficult issues. I had to from six. From Russia and school. Russia is another long story how hellish it was and really did have huge effects on my life.

 

But my past, my dreadful an yet different past. Now, my present-day life. I am strong with battered parts, like an old reliable car. I step out now and I have views. My Husband sometimes tells me I should keep them to myself, but sorry, I kept too much to myself for too long. When others had their parents to tell their problems to, I didn’t. I was away in a very cruel environment of school. Then from school, married. Again, no one to talk to. Now? Heck, I’m out there and will talk.

 

Okay, this blog isn’t the kind of blog I started off, but just have had a very personal shock and can’t talk about it as it doesn’t involve me, but really Hub and I right now are quite sad and feel very cross with a certain thing in life. But I’m not going to let that cloud our weekend of our visit to my brother and family.

 

So suitcase was packed. Teen off to work bless him and we took a taxi to the train station. This time it was lovely, unlike a couple of weeks ago when we couldn’t get a seat on the train as it was too busy. This week it was comfortable, until we got to Darlington… Some youths got on stinking of drugs and so obviously high.

 

Next stop we were off. Hub found the case and as we stepped off the train, I received a hug with two heads…

 

My young Niece was there to meet us. Second head came from my youngest great Nephew.

 

He was adorable from the start. A hug and kiss. So cute.

 

Well, would my Niece be able to guide us? I mean, as I have said before, my family don’t get blindness. Well, they didn’t. Now? Oh my gosh, they so did and I for one have been in shock all weekend.

 

I was really worried how my family would receive us, we drove to a farm house, it is a golfing lodge surrounded by hills and lakes with golf courses all around. A huge garden and bigger house.

 

How would we be in the house, never being there before? Oh I so didn’t want to show myself up in front of what was for so long strangers, but before I could say Merry Christmas, were back to being my old family again and really really, I can’t stress how warm I felt.

 

My oldest Niece was there with a beautiful Christmas card. She showed me the card that it was tactile. What? Wow? She really did buy a card that we could feel? This isn’t my family, why should it be? I’m the one who would never be blind… Oh I am writing this under a lot of worry right now, so clouded with this, so it’s a mess, grammar and words all over the place, but had to write, as I feel very emotional right now and promised I would be here for you over this what can be for some people a difficult time of year.

 

So I hope the second part of this story will be written grammatically correct and with more emotion and more sensible wording?

 

For now I shall leave you with the picture, it was windy, my heart was pounding. In front of me outside the car, were sounds of voices of my older Niece and other children

 

Wild northern winds were blowing my hair over my face, whistling by and my young Niece told me to walk forward as she guided my Hub holding onto my shoulder. What was the house like? Who knows? I learned that the views were stunning. Up a step and down one into the wonderful hu’u’uge lodge.

 

My oldest Nieces bf had the log fire going, like a true boy scout. The smell was beautiful. There was a large country kitchen the cooker was on and the heat was welcoming on this brisk December afternoon.

 

There was a Christmas tree all lit up and the ambiance was incredible but then it was time to meet with my great Nieces and Nephews. They were all adorable and I just felt so connected again after many years of healing.

 

My Brother and Sister in law hadn’t arrived as yet. They were at the football match, sadly, our team lost, but we were made to feel toasty with a lovely cup of tea. Oh I’m so excited I simply can’t write.

 

I shall take time out, sort out this dreadful issue we have in our family and get back to you without worry and to tell of what happened next, believe me it was not what I expected. X

a quick tipple

Good afternoon Bloggets.

Sorry I haven’t been here for a couple of days but I have in spirit. I have been thinking of you all. And I’m back to reality now. Lots to talk about today, just having to calm myself down first as teen just left for a night with his **** for a night’s stay in a hotel. I know what I would be called when I was that age, staying overnight with my boyfriend in a hotel, how times have changed?

 

He was ill before he left. He ran in from work, been working since seven this morning, came in after mid-day heart pounding couldn’t speek to my friend Arty who came to deliver kind gifts for Christmas he was so stressed out. No lunch, no getting showered after working, had to be out there, had to be as she was waiting for him and won’t allow him time to breathe.

 

So I will see him sometime before Christmas and the good thing is, she is going away so will give him some freedom.

 

He didn’t even put away his bike. My friend found it, luckily not us or there could have been an accident as it was just left in the drive. The **** has huge issues with her looks as hides around the corner in her car so my sighted friend can’t see her. Not that she was at all interested in her, but was leaving so I asked her to see if teen looked Okay, she said there was no sight of him, I asked teen by text if he went by bus he said no, she parked around the corner not to be seen. Hahahahaha. Idiot.

 

So the sister kindly drove them to the station and they will catch a train to Harrogate for their night of teenage passion.

 

Gross

 

Well, that rubbish is dealt with and Hub is off work now for a couple of weeks, so our holiday began with our trip to stay with my family who I haven’t seen for almost five years, in fact my oldest Niece I haven’t seen for about seven years. I will tell you more about our 24 hours in my next blog, but for now a quick blog to tell you I’m back and see how you all are? X