What it must be like to wake up in the morning because the
sun is shining too brightly through your window? To turn to look at your clock
to see if you can afford five more minutes in bed! Go to the bathroom and see
your face in the mirror. Shower, knowing what bottle is shampoo and what bottle
is shower gel. Put on your make up know what you look like and see if that hairstyle
is becoming for you. Pick out your clothes, without any stress. Make sure your
shoes match your handbag. Just to make your breakfast opening the fridge and
seeing what you fancy to eat. Read your morning newspaper. Pick up your keys by
just seeing them. To drive to work. At the end of the day, book a holiday on
line anywhere of your choice. To just meet with friends after work without it
being a problem. Mingle in that busy bar. Coming home looking at photographs on
your wall of loved ones. Sleeping in the peace you are free!
I go to bed in the dark and wake up in the dark for me to
see, the time, I have to either feel dots or make something talk. I have a
bathroom mirror as my house is as if I have sight. Mirrors in most rooms. I
look to the mirror with hope, then deep sadness. I can’t see what bottles to
wash my hair in, so I have to tear a off a bit of the label, or add a label with
dots again to tell the difference between my cosmetics. I do my hair, it feels
nice, but does that style look good on me? I do wear makeup but is it on
correctly? Is there enough on? After all, I’m getting on a bit… 34 next year.
Smile a girl can dream.
As for my clothes, seriously, last night I couldn’t sleep
just stressing about what to wear today. I want to look the same as everyone
else, I don’t want to stick out more than I already do. When I bought those
shoes, I was told they were dark blue, but navy? Royal? Cobalt? Or another
shade of blue? Is my hand bag the same shade?
I make breakfast. I know where I have put things in the
fridge, I remember taking so long doing that when my shopping arrived. Methodically
I put things back in the same way, already before I eat there is so much stress
in my life, not huge stress but lots that accumulate towards a mess by the end
of the day.
My morning papers have to involve wires. Voices normally
too. I know where my keys are, because I put them in the exact place each
night. I have to. Again, taking more time to do so each day.
There is no luxury for a car for me, no matter the weather I
walk to our bus stop. I worry that it’s not going to come on time. I don’t want
to be late. It pulls up. Is it mine? Where is there a seat? Will I get tutted
at because I have to touch a shoulder to see if there is anyone on that seat?
I have to do better in my day at work because if I make a
mistake, oh, it’s because I’m blind. Well that’s what they will say. Holiday? Well,
of course I go on holiday, but I have to pick a holiday where I know as in the
area. Where I have spent long days working out routes or where there will be
people who organise activities, I can’t go on a relaxing holiday where I walk
to the beach and pick a restaurant anyone of my choice, I can’t just go to any
country, not on my own. I have been abroad with my Husband and he is also
blind, but it’s room to restaurant and bar then back to room with perhaps a
taxi taking us to our destination of theatre but when we did that, the taxi
dropped us off half a mile away from the theatre then when we got there, after
calling in at a huge shop, then cinema, then finding the theatre we should have
been at twenty minutes earlier, learning where to get our tickets from, and learning there
was a queue, but we kind of jumped it, to the disgrumpled crowd. We learned
that the theatre had a flood that day and our show had been cancelled. “Oh, don’t
worry, you can go to the other theatre, it’s just that way.” Well, which way?
We were in London. We hadn’t a clue where to go. But because we are pretty
amazing, smile, we did get to see a production. It was absolutely rubbish, and
not what we had payed to see or wanted to see and had been looking forward to
seeing for months, but hey, ho, we saw something at a totally different theatre
and guess what? No taxis could pull up to that theatre either, but don’t worry
we were told, go down there up those steps, cross that road and you will come
across this and that before you get to a taxi rank. Oh, great, just like that.
Try closing your eyes love put a scarf over them and walk. Listen for the
silent bikes coming towards you and when you get to a road, watch out for the
traffic, you won’t see it but you will hear it. As for steps? Well, up or down,
I’m sure you will find them but it’s OK, because at the end of your test, you
can remove the scarf and open your eyes.
We can meet with friends and colleagues but as for mingling?
It’s hard. When it’s noisy to us we are then blind as well as partially deaf
because voices cannot be heard enough to understand what they are saying, for
sighted people they lip read and use body language.
As for our photographs? Glass squares or paper cards.
Nothing on them. No colour images nothing. But I have hope. One day I will see
the sun.
© Fiona Cummings
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