Okay, this is deep. Are you ready?
I wonder who created us every single day I wish I could meet them, but I don’t want to die to do that thank you. I often think we are like a board game and someone is playing us. Maybe when we get warn out we get put into a cupboard and forgotten about until we are modernised and used in a brand new game and that is our next life. But, who are the players? And who made them? When I ask Christians, who made God they don’t really have an answer. One person told me he just made himself, well, why, can’t we, make ourselves. And why did God give his Son such an awful life if you go by the bible? Why would a parent do that to a child?
Sometimes in my life past and present, I wonder if there is such a thing as a God. I have been on my knees begging for pain to go away for my life to change and just help and when that has happened, life gets worse as bad as it can get. When down been kicked even a hole has been opened up for me to go down the ditch and just wait for the worms to eat me alive. When I could see the sky after the blood stops flowing, a big boot bruises my body and kicks in the soil to bury me alive, but still I manage with each last breath to claw my way out and rise to the surface again only to be pushed back down.
I have also visited the optimum place in life some would call it my zenith. A beautiful mountain away from reality where wild flowers are allowed to grow among natural beauty. The fragrances and air was like the subtlest perfume which held some form of drug, like a dose of bliss in a bottle, whilst butterflies balanced on buttercups and my heart beat to the rhythm of the angel’s bells. Well, in other words, I have had a life where 90% of it has been the worst struggles, but 10% have not even been near normality. Quite the opposite in fact. I have had experiences that only Royalty are allowed to have. So, from the sublime to the ridiculous. Nothing just normal really. I would love to do normal. I would have given up my wonders in life just to have 90% normal and 10% other.
Sometimes I ask if there was a God why would he/she/it, watch whilst parents go through hell whilst living with their baby dying of cancer? Why would the God allow me to lose my parents so close together just after me going blind overnight whilst having to bring up my baby almost on my own and all that in a few months of each other? Most people would only have one bad thing happen in five years not five months.
Bringing me back to players. Players are not perfect beings or whatever, so they can do nasty things that hurt us. But, who created them? And then the light in the tunnel comes to me. I pray for something that I would think would never be solved. An impossibility. It’s as if someone is massaging my shoulders, taking me by the hand and guiding me to a very safe place. The feeling when I was reunited with my Husband after 28 years was as spiritual as one could get. To me he was like a ghost. A ghost from my past that had come to save me. It really felt as if wires inside of me were being fixed. Wires that were even new as I had never felt those connections before. Metaphorically speaking this isn’t possible, but I promise you I have had strong spiritual feelings in my life, I say spiritually because there is no other word I can think of to describe my life’s experiences. I just knew to be calm and for the first time in my life I allowed another whatever to guide me all the way not just half way and stop in fear of something that I knew isn’t the norm.
Each step I took was higher and easier. I got to the top of the stairwell and then, I was dropped. I lay there for a while and then again, stood up and continued, but this makes me wonder if A, this was a sick game again, or B, what some people would call justice again for what? And why do I keep standing up? My thoughts, because there will be gold at the end of the rainbow, not talking in monetary form but a gift of wonder, again possibly for winning the game, because believe me, I’m bored with this board!
I do believe in angels I also believe in earth angels. Why? After my pack of cards have had all same pictures and numbers?
Because I never wanted a child for lots of reasons, old Bloggets will probably guess, suddenly I had the urgency to have a baby. Things happened during my pregnancy, things I won’t go into but again, something that no one else had experienced and when he was born, he was my gift from our maker, I just knew and felt it. A visitor to me whilst I was in hospital confirmed that my Son was an angel and he came just in time to see my parents before they died and when I went blind, I wanted to kill myself. My world felt so scary I couldn’t even breathe I was grieving like never before as well as being absolutely terrified out of my mind. It would have been easy to die. Mind you, I’m scared stiff of death too, another blog for another day. But no way I could carry on with that life but, no way I could have my Son brought up with the knowledge that his Mother left him. I know how that feels with my so-called birth mother. I had to carry on. I was bitter because that wasn’t the world I could live in, so stuck, I couldn’t live, and I couldn’t die. I felt so alone. I learned at a young age to shut myself off from the rest of the world. Funny now I write my life for the world to see now, but back then, for so many years inside boxes in my mind with heavy locks on them, were my thoughts and scenes I had witnessed. Sadly, the locks went rusty and corroded, leaving me with unhinged lids spewing out pain I have never, nor will ever forget.
But whoever on the other side is on my side, helps me to fix the boxes and seal them again. For how long? Not sure but I have goals in life that are out of my control, I have to have faith that my goals will be met with success and before it’s too late, my life can begin.
© Fiona Cummings 2017
No comments:
Post a Comment