Well it’s the last day of 2017. For me it’s the end of a
year I didn’t expect to turn out the way it has, as for next year? I can only
say I’m dreading it. I so hope it will
surprise me and this
time next year even before, I’m actually writing about such happiness.
My Husband and I are very much in love and together and I
thank God for that. But talking of God, I’m praying with every bone in my body
and I’m just not getting answered. I’m
so tired now of begging. I’m also sad and afraid my faith is being tested.
Old Bloggets / readers will know my religion is not the
normal. But one of a difference. I for sure believe in a man called Jesus but I
think he came from another planet. And
beyond that is a totally new blog which I have written about many times before.
I believe in a deep connection and right now the phone line
to our maker is permanently engaged.
All I want is a New Year with peace in my heart, and soul,
and with constant tension, that isn’t going to happen.
Tonight, we are going out to see the New Year in. it’s the
night when we are meant to be happy and full of smiles… Possibly tonight I
shall deserve an Oscar.
Well my blogs are true and with me you will go through so
much including laughs… honestly. Haha. See, I did smile then. I’m sure I will
be fixed with a snowball with a cherry on the top…. And if that doesn’t work,
perhaps my maker will take my call.
Sometimes life is like a combination lock and it’s getting
the right numbers in the right order before I will be able to open the safe.
Are we closer to treatment for our sight loss? I wish I
could just ask someone who would give me a straight answer. Who actually knows.
But then people say, no one knows. And what will make next year any different?
Or, the year after or in five years.
I guess we are doing more research now than ever and that is
a good sign. And I have to try to keep positive with hope. Just it’s getting
tiring. I’m sometimes exhausted with the constant wishing to see. Life really
is challenging especially this time of year.
I’m listening to a choir called Libera, and they are really
lovely. We have a program on TV in the house called Songs of Praise. It’s the
big choir sing off with so many choirs from all over the world. Oh, it’s so
lovely. All the cathedrals from everywhere just for New Year the songs they are
singing are really lovely.
I loved my days in the choir. That was the best thing about
our schools. An escape and into words of another life. my Husband has the most
amazing voice, not sure what ever happened to mine… at school Hub and I used to
get the main roles in our singing at my last school the choir was very
different our first school taught us so much about how one should sing where as
the second school was more relaxed. We only learned our old choir master from
our first school, who was ancient back then, is still alive. If only he knew
what an influence he was in my Husbands life. bless him, he must be well in his
90’s now.
So, dearest Bloggets. Here are the top three blogs of what you have voted as
the best blogs of 2017 in order of how many of you have voted for each one. And
that leaves me to say have a happy New Year. Tomorrow is another day and
another year. Who knows what will happen in the New Year, but whatever it is, I
hope for all you need in your life to fall at your knees and for you to be able
to pick up what you want, need and desire. With love.
3
WALKING HOME IN WINTER
BY FIONA CUMMINGS
I shiver as the night turns into a
tunnel of darkness
As the witch’s bleed madness
Offering drinks that make you feel
horrendous
As the night turns cloudless
The stars jump on carpets
The navy wool comes closer to the earth
As if the moon is giving birth
The inky sky kneels to the ground
As the finger like branches grip all
around
Everything seems so far away
It’s not safe
I wish it was daylight
I don’t like the winter nights
Especially at this time of year
When spooks tell you they are here
Potions are created
All new and shiny seem to be dated
Spiders and sparklers give fear
Wizards cheer
Another anniversary
Putting people in misery
But it shall pass
And alas
No more walking home in winter
© Fiona Cummings
2
Good afternoon Bloggets. The weather
today is weird. It says it should be really cold but it’s not, it’s mild in a
spooky kind of way. Calm, no wind/breeze at all and the air feels warm. Is it
the calm before the storm? As it’s supposed to be bitter cold for the next few
weeks.
I have just sat down for the first
time today and it’s speeding towards five in the afternoon.
My Son has gone shopping and I’m
scared of what is to come home with him.
Sometimes if I need something I just
can’t get and I ask him, he either says no, or, another day Mum which results
in not at all, but this morning in passing as we are like ships in the night, I
just happened to say that his Dad is going to buy a Christmas jumper for work
this year. Oh, my, what did I do?
He went to see Shamrock and sent me a
text saying that he has bought Hub a Christmas jumper that will make me howl.
It’s a term to say laugh… I’m not hopefully going to turn into a werewolf.
I don’t think I am.
Having said that.
Em!
I’m not sure Hub will be pleased with
our boys enthusiasm to buy him a jumper. Especially if only Hub knew just what
kind of jumper he was planning this morning until I intervened saying no Son,
your Dad is a manager and he can’t be too naughty… Well, on that note, I
thought I kind of put Boy Wonder off buying anything without Hub being there…
Obviously not, so what on earth is coming home in a bag tonight? My Son is such
a prankster.
Tomorrow I’m off to buy paint. Should
be interesting after when I went to buy it for my new kitchen and the guy in
the shop said he wasn’t allowed to advise me. I was so annoyed about that. So,
I would have put my signature on a paper to say if my walls come out a really
bad colour, I wouldn’t sue them, but that wasn’t an option.
I’m going to get the landing painted.
What colour? Not sure as my curtains are red. I have a vase on my windowsill on
the landing as it’s a large window with red silk roses in it and a couple of
glass ornaments with red in them. So, something to go with red. Not grey
though, because my carpet is kind of a caramel colour and that is the colour I
am thinking about putting on the walls. Right now, I have a milky cup of tea.
Smile. Those of you who remember when I got my kitchen paint I said I was after
the colour of a dish of canned oranges in a dish with cream poured over the
top. So, a hint of orange. What did I get? Well, some say peach, some say
apricot, some say a yellow nectarine. And one person has said orange. I have
had all kinds of fruit on my walls I always describe the paint in food colours,
that is the way I remember colours. For example, in my bathroom, I have the
colour of Granny Smith apples. Haha. My bedroom is dark apricot on the bottom
the top is light apricot. I wanted mushroom for my office but it turned out
beige with a hint of pink. Odd? I thought so.
So, my friend and our Blogget, from
America who had open heart surgery a month ago is still recovering. Bless her I
can’t wait until she is fit again and I bet she can’t either. She is walking on
a frame right now.
my lady who walks our dogs fell very ill
whilst out the other day. Not with our dogs but her own. Bless her it was
awful. She called me she sounded really bad and she was trying to walk to the
carpark where her friend was on her way to pick her up. I spent five minutes
trying to persuade her to go straight to the hospital when her friend came for
her as that wasn’t the intention of her or, her friend. She said she couldn’t
walk properly she was bent double and her heart was going crazy. She said she
felt so odd and wasn’t sure where she was now. oh my, I was so worried. I kept
on the phone until she reached the carpark. Then she called me that night
saying her friend did take her to the hospital. She was given medicine had
tests too. And was out the next day. Shocking as she lives on her own, she is
in her mid-seventies too. But that is our hospitals. It was a blood clot to her
hart I hope she will still be able to spend Christmas with her Son in New Zeeland?
She will know in two weeks. And finally, my lovely friend and our wonderful
Blogget from South Africa, has her birthday tomorrow. She emails me and I love
her words. I’m hungry for them all the time. Gosh, she writes so well, she is
so intelligent. She paints pictures with her words and my insides race when I
know I have an email from her as in her words, I’m transported to another
world. She could write the telephone book and I wouldn’t be able to put it
down.
A very happy birthday my Dear much loved
Louise.
Inspired by my friends and again our
Bloggets, from a blog I wrote a few days ago, I would like to talk about those
of us who were diagnosed with an eye disease and were told we would end up blind. I have
written before how in my world blindness wasn’t an option, but each night my
pillow would tell that story differently.
So, you have sight, enough even to
drive, you can see small print and for sure your loved one’s face, at least the
outline of them. How will you feel knowing that one day, you won’t be able to
see?
Anything, nothing at all.
Well most people I know of spend the
next three years, ten years even forty, dwelling on this and mourning the loss
of something that you haven’t lost yet.
I wish when I could see I took every
day and embraced it rather than spending my time worrying about how I would
cope in a world without sight.
Every person copes with sight loss
differently. Most go into a very deep depression and can never get out of it
totally. It’s a cutting sadness and fear that I personally felt and still do
whenever I’m out walking just me and my beautiful little guide dog, I go
through the motions of knowing where I am to go it’s that map in my head that
my mobility instructor taught me. Or, what my Husband and I have taught
ourselves. It’s a time when I hope, my dog will remember her map as she too has
been taught the same route. But, then I think, oh, my what on earth am I doing
out here, among traffic, steps things to bump into if me or my dog gets one
small movement wrong? Then panic hits me like a hammer to the head and a kick
from a heavy horse to my stomach, then my insides sink, I shake, I have to
recover. I have to control my breathing. And I do, I sometimes ask for my
angels to walk with me and do you know what, they do. I get home safely most
times, and few. A huge sigh. I did it, we did it little girl, a treat for
Waggatail and a coffee and something sweet for me. And the rest of the day, I’m
physically pooped. But we did it. All those years that was an impossible
thought. Never ever would I be able to walk without a human. Never. But I do.
If only all those years I knew this information, gosh, who knows, I may have
more life in me and less chance of developing ulcers. More time to live, rather
than worrying, crying, stressing.
When I first went blind remember
without much notice other than the Doctors cruel callas way I was diagnosed at
four, telling me I could have months
with sight or a few years, my world changed. I didn’t really at that point
understand blindness. All I knew was, my Mum started to cry and she phoned
relatives to say she had the worst news to tell them. There was a coolness in
the air that day that never left me. This is why I encourage parents with
children who have been given such news to not show them how afraid of what may
happen to them. Once your children know they have such a condition, even if it
is killing you, please keep those thoughts away from your child just long
enough for them to learn to live with their news and get strong enough to be
able to handle your grief on their little shoulders.
So Bloggets, if you have sight,
prepare yourselves for if, you ever become blind. But please live every day as
you may have so many years of the sight you have now or, you may have a few
months, if you have years, and you grieve and stress until that dreaded day
comes, all those years could have been spend enjoying what you have to the
full. Be grateful for what you have. But if you only have a few months with
vision, still obviously prepare yourself but still spend the next few months
taking in everything, the face of your love and your children, flowers, your
pets colours remember them as they will come in handy later on. For example,
when you want to match clothes or decorate your house. You may be thinking,
what is the point of colour in a blind world, wow, there is so much point. How
depressing for your children, Grandchildren, friends Husband if you marry a
sighted person like I did with my first Husband, just because you can’t see,
doesn’t mean your family should live in a grey world or brown. Get those
scatter cushions out and make sure they are bright and make your house a happy
looking home. If you know you have pretty colours around you, I promise it will
make you feel better.
At first when you lose your vision, you will I
am sure go into a dreadful place but I promise you will be alright. Most people
I know it took them a year, some a few years, me,, it took me so many years but
I wasn’t prepared I didn’t expect to lose my sight overnight not from having
really good sight I thought it would go slowly. No, it went so fast I couldn’t
catch it but when I had it, I blocked it out. I put it on a shelf and gave my
attention to the days when I wouldn’t have it. Crazy, right? I have been blind
now for twenty years. I hate it, but I laugh, I really do and I have a life
though it’s so different to what I used to have in the respect I can’t see from
my eyes but I see from my heart I take no rubbish from anyone now I know my
stuff and I get further now than I did back then as back then no way I would go
out at night time as I couldn’t see very
well if at all in the dark, now if I need to go out at night? It’s the same as
during the day for me only colder and colder as in temperature not in my heart.
It’s the best feeling to walk somewhere in the dark you know, I smile as I am
walking thinking to myself, I can do this now, I couldn’t before.
You will be afraid you wouldn’t be
human if you weren’t. but it can be less scary if you prepare yourself and know
that blindness is just a different way of living. There are things you can’t
do, like my Son tonight is going to a Christmas market. Oh, I would love to do
that, but Hub and I can’t sadly. This does hurt me every year at this time, but
hey, there is always on-line shopping and OK, it’s not half as good as you
can’t enjoy the Christmas atmosphere, but you may have family or friends who
will take you to the markets for example. Hub and I love shopping and if I
could see we would love to browse in the shops, but again we can’t but it may
be different for you, you may have family who will be kind enough to want to be
with you whilst you shop, not as a duty but because it’s your company that they
may enjoy.
If you are reading this blog without
a screen reader, be happy, if you have to use some kind of magnifier but still
can see enough to see your face in the mirror, enjoy every wrinkle, smile. You
have a gift that I can only dream of, but you know what? The happiest day of my
life was the day I married my now and forever Husband. And, both of us are
blind. It was the most perfect day a dream that came true. My first love from
school was about to be my Husband. I had waited for him for 28 years. He melted
my heart as he said I did his, so our melted hearts are as one and were
remoulded and now we share the same love and my Husband and I see the world in
a totally different way together.
I have written before about how you
can prepare yourself for if the day may come and you do lose your sight, but I
shall write another blog on this subject within the next few days. And
remember, it may never happen, but if it does, be prepared. If it never
happens, and you never need to use your skills, then what have you lost? Not
your sight that’s for sure. Wake up tomorrow, appreciate everything don’t waist
your time by worrying about something that may never happen and if it does, you
will be ready to own it.
© Fiona Cummings
1
I’m not sure why,
but this blog received 18 votes.
My
Husband asked me to write this blog. I must say, it’s a subject that I’m
slightly uncomfortable with! I’m not even sure how to start this.
Bear with?
So, growing up, I had some sight. When I stood still I saw chrystal clear. I could read tiny print. As soon as I moved my head, my sight made me dizzy. As in everything was like a broken jigsaw puzzle.
What I could see clearly was only when I kept my head still, and it was in small sections. So, a face, I would look at someone’s eye, see the eye perfectly, move to the other eye, though sometimes pointless, because it was the same as the other one, I wonder if I saw so well what I did see was like sighted people? Then to the nose, remembering the eye, then the mouth, cheek bones and hair. In my mind working overtime to remember all parts of the face. Then my imagination would do the rest for me. I would see colours perfectly well. A car would come towards me passing on the road and I would see a wheel just the one, but it would be clear enough for me to know it was a car. Because I had such good sight, I would not need my hearing or other senses.
At nights, the sky would be dark blue. I would see shadows. I wouldn’t be able to see steps whilst out, or get by in a restaurant, on my own, but I didn’t need to worry. As a child, I was in the protection of boarding school where we were prisoners to the outside world. At home, I had my parents to see for me. When I was in Russia, I had friends and my Mum. I had vision all around me. I read magazines to see what was in fashion. What people had in their houses, I knew what looked good and what didn’t. I was taught by my Mum what colours matched and what didn’t though her fashion style really was dated. But I knew this, because I saw what other girls wore, who were my age.
Then I married. My ex was fully sighted. There was nothing around the house I didn’t do. I could see everything in tiny portions. It took me longer, but I just learned to think faster and remember quicker. My memory was my best friend. I didn’t go out the house really that much only to my parents house and back home. So, I didn’t need to really live in the real world as someone partially sighted. I was in my head I had to be for the past I was living in. I was fully sighted. I had the cushion of sight all around me.
I splashed out in the world of modelling for some time. Working as a teenager. From 13 till 17, my last job was a teen magazine and that was the only job I was told to wear my own clothes. Thank goodness, I had a rough idea what to wear, clothing always was important to me I loved matching colours, it was almost an obsession.
Fashion changed and people started dressing their houses in creams, carpets, walls and furniture all the same. I found this a boring style. Plain to the eyes and lacking in imagination. Where was the fun? The spark of existence. The wow factor? Walking from one cream room to another? Yawn? Each of my rooms at my house had a different theme. A new story to tell, a different chapter spoke to me.
Then the dreaded day came and I had to wake up to the world of forever darkness. That morning occurred where I never wanted to be. I had gone blind, colours, fashion, style, interior decorating was to me to become a part of my life that would never return.
Fast forward many hard years and into the next stage of my life. The next stage which rather than scared me, woke me up to live in a world where I never wanted to go, an yet once there, I was as if born again. There were wires inside of me which came alive. A new spark I still get a sense of thrill inside my stomach as I entered the world of acceptance. At last, I belonged. All of my life, I wasn’t blind, I was not sighted, I was partially sighted but not really allowed to be. It was my Mums ambition to get me sight, to find a cure so I wouldn’t live in a world she couldn’t comprehend and she got told by medics who were trying to fight for my sight to be restored that I had to forget about ever going blind, that sight was the only option. So, nothing prepared me for the blind world. Ten years passed. Feeling very alone, knowing no one at all who could help me or talk to me about what life is like as a blind person, but hang on, was I ready to hear what life was like as a person without sight? Answer, no, as my sight would return, one day soon.
Well, that day never came, but what did, was a new world in the shape of my now Husband.
I divorced my ex and entered into a world with my new Husband, who was totally blind and he had never ever seen. He was born without sight. So, he came from a totally different perspective
He spent most of his childhood at boarding school, his secondary school was for blind children too. Whereas mine was for partially sighted. He lived in the blind world and when he had to enter the big bad sighted world, he had the tools to work with and more importantly the mind set!
He married a woman who was also in the blind world, he has told me that when they did anything like decorate their house, they took advice from sighted people, they never had to think about what looked good, their house and garden was other people’s ideas. What they wore, was what felt nice, like the materials, fashion never played a part in their clothing. Hair styles? Very basic. How do you know what you look like? My Husband has good genes, so he has the base to look good no matter, but I just can’t imagine what it must be like to not know what a face any face, looks like? To someone who has never seen, a face means nothing really, just what one feels like, colours are nothing. It’s like saying to a sighted person, my dress is Shmerlica and my shoes to match are clupick, I have painted my nails blerbin, to compliment the blerbin highlights in my hair. Colour, Shmolour.
When my Husband met, me it was a totally different world. I tried to still look my best, taking some pride in my clothing, I passed that bug onto my Husband, and it did course some conversations as I tried to let him know that certain colours didn’t match. He stressed over this, as before whatever went. I guess it would have been an easier life, but rightly or wrongly, my life has always been in the public and what the people think was, important to me and my Husband is very important to me and has always worked in some sort of management role, so to me, he should look important especially as he works with people who will look and judge. Sighted people do, even if they don’t know it, this is why I get told I don’t look blind, to me it is just people being not very intelligent, as I wouldn’t say to someone, you don’t look like you have a heart problem, or your legs don’t look as if you should have a wheelchair. It’s called insensitive. You may think it, but really guys? There are blind people out there who’s eyes don’t shake, we don’t all wear dark glasses and we do try some of us, to still fit in. It’s so much easier for me to relax my eyes, but because of my past, I try to look like you and look around a room, I catch myself doing this all the time, how stupid am I? I can’t see what is over there, but I don’t want to sit with my head down or straight ahead. Because I had sight, I know how to sit in a way you do.
What I don’t understand is when children are home with their parents and they do start to put their heads down, should the parents say to their children, hold your head up? And why should that child do that, just to fit in with the sighted world? My Husband does sit in a way that is quotes normal, I guess by luck, as he has never been told to do so. He doesn’t look around the room, because he is comfortable in the blind world and since I have met my Husband, I have learned more than I ever thought possible.
We have done things in the eight years we have been together than I did in the forty years before as someone in the sighted world. We are a team. Life is a challenge it’s difficult and can be depressing, but also can be so uplifting. We have a sense of achievement. My friend told me the other day we have a stylish house, now to me this is a compliment as her house is so posh so beautiful. I am glad I do have a memory, but how up to date is my memory? I guess if it’s stylish, it’s doing OK? My Husbands clothes are lovely, and he is aware now of what is to go with what, to me this must give him some kind of sense of pride? I hope so. He has pride in our house, for the first time in his life, we decide what goes in our house, what colour our walls are and what we buy to complement each other. He talks about where to put furniture now, he never used to show interest. I hope I have given him a spark because I know he has brought me to life. I was dead for so long my heart mind and soul. I am alive now with a want and need to see what is out there. I dream to see, it’s my hope, but no longer is it my life, I have learned to live, I go out and my senses have all come to life now, my sight isn’t there, but I hear things I have never heard before. I smell things I never knew had a fragrance. This isn’t always good. My brain is full of plans, and my house has gadgets that make living easier. I know and moreover my husband knows he is smart not only in his mind, but in his dress sense. I hope he is proud, as I am very proud of him.
A friend was asking me yesterday, how I cope with certain things? She has my eye disease and is afraid because her sight is going the same way mine did. Right now, she sees colours, she reads print and cooks as if sighted. The step into the blind world can be the most difficult thing that anyone has ever done, unless they are prepared. She is having a dinner party today, she hates telling her family about her sight. Hmm. I know that feeling, she is in denial. Don’t be ashamed. So, you are not like them as far as sight, but you have a brain. You could even be more intelligent than any one you know that is sighted. Your eyesight is broken. But there is room in your brain that wouldn’t normally be awake if sighted, that space in your mind has so much knowledge to share with you, for you to store information. You will be amazed at your achievements. So, tell those around you that you are struggling, until you learn how to do it the blind way. When you except yourself then others around you will feel your vibes, and feel more relaxed with you. My friend asked how we know what dinner dishes matched? Well, try to get different sets in different shapes or with embossed patents on so you can feel them. The worst thing to do is buy different dinner sets that all feel the same.
Clothes, buy different fabrics. Learn how to feel. You think you can feel? No, you really can’t properly until you lost your safety blanket of sight. Why would you need to feel in a way that blind people do? You don’t need to. How do we manage? We have no choice. There are only two options, one get a full-time carer, no thanks, and two do what we do, learn from mistakes and listening to others who are blind, but, you are not different, they are. And different is good. All the same is boring.
Bear with?
So, growing up, I had some sight. When I stood still I saw chrystal clear. I could read tiny print. As soon as I moved my head, my sight made me dizzy. As in everything was like a broken jigsaw puzzle.
What I could see clearly was only when I kept my head still, and it was in small sections. So, a face, I would look at someone’s eye, see the eye perfectly, move to the other eye, though sometimes pointless, because it was the same as the other one, I wonder if I saw so well what I did see was like sighted people? Then to the nose, remembering the eye, then the mouth, cheek bones and hair. In my mind working overtime to remember all parts of the face. Then my imagination would do the rest for me. I would see colours perfectly well. A car would come towards me passing on the road and I would see a wheel just the one, but it would be clear enough for me to know it was a car. Because I had such good sight, I would not need my hearing or other senses.
At nights, the sky would be dark blue. I would see shadows. I wouldn’t be able to see steps whilst out, or get by in a restaurant, on my own, but I didn’t need to worry. As a child, I was in the protection of boarding school where we were prisoners to the outside world. At home, I had my parents to see for me. When I was in Russia, I had friends and my Mum. I had vision all around me. I read magazines to see what was in fashion. What people had in their houses, I knew what looked good and what didn’t. I was taught by my Mum what colours matched and what didn’t though her fashion style really was dated. But I knew this, because I saw what other girls wore, who were my age.
Then I married. My ex was fully sighted. There was nothing around the house I didn’t do. I could see everything in tiny portions. It took me longer, but I just learned to think faster and remember quicker. My memory was my best friend. I didn’t go out the house really that much only to my parents house and back home. So, I didn’t need to really live in the real world as someone partially sighted. I was in my head I had to be for the past I was living in. I was fully sighted. I had the cushion of sight all around me.
I splashed out in the world of modelling for some time. Working as a teenager. From 13 till 17, my last job was a teen magazine and that was the only job I was told to wear my own clothes. Thank goodness, I had a rough idea what to wear, clothing always was important to me I loved matching colours, it was almost an obsession.
Fashion changed and people started dressing their houses in creams, carpets, walls and furniture all the same. I found this a boring style. Plain to the eyes and lacking in imagination. Where was the fun? The spark of existence. The wow factor? Walking from one cream room to another? Yawn? Each of my rooms at my house had a different theme. A new story to tell, a different chapter spoke to me.
Then the dreaded day came and I had to wake up to the world of forever darkness. That morning occurred where I never wanted to be. I had gone blind, colours, fashion, style, interior decorating was to me to become a part of my life that would never return.
Fast forward many hard years and into the next stage of my life. The next stage which rather than scared me, woke me up to live in a world where I never wanted to go, an yet once there, I was as if born again. There were wires inside of me which came alive. A new spark I still get a sense of thrill inside my stomach as I entered the world of acceptance. At last, I belonged. All of my life, I wasn’t blind, I was not sighted, I was partially sighted but not really allowed to be. It was my Mums ambition to get me sight, to find a cure so I wouldn’t live in a world she couldn’t comprehend and she got told by medics who were trying to fight for my sight to be restored that I had to forget about ever going blind, that sight was the only option. So, nothing prepared me for the blind world. Ten years passed. Feeling very alone, knowing no one at all who could help me or talk to me about what life is like as a blind person, but hang on, was I ready to hear what life was like as a person without sight? Answer, no, as my sight would return, one day soon.
Well, that day never came, but what did, was a new world in the shape of my now Husband.
I divorced my ex and entered into a world with my new Husband, who was totally blind and he had never ever seen. He was born without sight. So, he came from a totally different perspective
He spent most of his childhood at boarding school, his secondary school was for blind children too. Whereas mine was for partially sighted. He lived in the blind world and when he had to enter the big bad sighted world, he had the tools to work with and more importantly the mind set!
He married a woman who was also in the blind world, he has told me that when they did anything like decorate their house, they took advice from sighted people, they never had to think about what looked good, their house and garden was other people’s ideas. What they wore, was what felt nice, like the materials, fashion never played a part in their clothing. Hair styles? Very basic. How do you know what you look like? My Husband has good genes, so he has the base to look good no matter, but I just can’t imagine what it must be like to not know what a face any face, looks like? To someone who has never seen, a face means nothing really, just what one feels like, colours are nothing. It’s like saying to a sighted person, my dress is Shmerlica and my shoes to match are clupick, I have painted my nails blerbin, to compliment the blerbin highlights in my hair. Colour, Shmolour.
When my Husband met, me it was a totally different world. I tried to still look my best, taking some pride in my clothing, I passed that bug onto my Husband, and it did course some conversations as I tried to let him know that certain colours didn’t match. He stressed over this, as before whatever went. I guess it would have been an easier life, but rightly or wrongly, my life has always been in the public and what the people think was, important to me and my Husband is very important to me and has always worked in some sort of management role, so to me, he should look important especially as he works with people who will look and judge. Sighted people do, even if they don’t know it, this is why I get told I don’t look blind, to me it is just people being not very intelligent, as I wouldn’t say to someone, you don’t look like you have a heart problem, or your legs don’t look as if you should have a wheelchair. It’s called insensitive. You may think it, but really guys? There are blind people out there who’s eyes don’t shake, we don’t all wear dark glasses and we do try some of us, to still fit in. It’s so much easier for me to relax my eyes, but because of my past, I try to look like you and look around a room, I catch myself doing this all the time, how stupid am I? I can’t see what is over there, but I don’t want to sit with my head down or straight ahead. Because I had sight, I know how to sit in a way you do.
What I don’t understand is when children are home with their parents and they do start to put their heads down, should the parents say to their children, hold your head up? And why should that child do that, just to fit in with the sighted world? My Husband does sit in a way that is quotes normal, I guess by luck, as he has never been told to do so. He doesn’t look around the room, because he is comfortable in the blind world and since I have met my Husband, I have learned more than I ever thought possible.
We have done things in the eight years we have been together than I did in the forty years before as someone in the sighted world. We are a team. Life is a challenge it’s difficult and can be depressing, but also can be so uplifting. We have a sense of achievement. My friend told me the other day we have a stylish house, now to me this is a compliment as her house is so posh so beautiful. I am glad I do have a memory, but how up to date is my memory? I guess if it’s stylish, it’s doing OK? My Husbands clothes are lovely, and he is aware now of what is to go with what, to me this must give him some kind of sense of pride? I hope so. He has pride in our house, for the first time in his life, we decide what goes in our house, what colour our walls are and what we buy to complement each other. He talks about where to put furniture now, he never used to show interest. I hope I have given him a spark because I know he has brought me to life. I was dead for so long my heart mind and soul. I am alive now with a want and need to see what is out there. I dream to see, it’s my hope, but no longer is it my life, I have learned to live, I go out and my senses have all come to life now, my sight isn’t there, but I hear things I have never heard before. I smell things I never knew had a fragrance. This isn’t always good. My brain is full of plans, and my house has gadgets that make living easier. I know and moreover my husband knows he is smart not only in his mind, but in his dress sense. I hope he is proud, as I am very proud of him.
A friend was asking me yesterday, how I cope with certain things? She has my eye disease and is afraid because her sight is going the same way mine did. Right now, she sees colours, she reads print and cooks as if sighted. The step into the blind world can be the most difficult thing that anyone has ever done, unless they are prepared. She is having a dinner party today, she hates telling her family about her sight. Hmm. I know that feeling, she is in denial. Don’t be ashamed. So, you are not like them as far as sight, but you have a brain. You could even be more intelligent than any one you know that is sighted. Your eyesight is broken. But there is room in your brain that wouldn’t normally be awake if sighted, that space in your mind has so much knowledge to share with you, for you to store information. You will be amazed at your achievements. So, tell those around you that you are struggling, until you learn how to do it the blind way. When you except yourself then others around you will feel your vibes, and feel more relaxed with you. My friend asked how we know what dinner dishes matched? Well, try to get different sets in different shapes or with embossed patents on so you can feel them. The worst thing to do is buy different dinner sets that all feel the same.
Clothes, buy different fabrics. Learn how to feel. You think you can feel? No, you really can’t properly until you lost your safety blanket of sight. Why would you need to feel in a way that blind people do? You don’t need to. How do we manage? We have no choice. There are only two options, one get a full-time carer, no thanks, and two do what we do, learn from mistakes and listening to others who are blind, but, you are not different, they are. And different is good. All the same is boring.
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