A lovely friend and Blogget asked me a question about
dreaming when blind or of poor sight. Old Bloggets will remember I wrote a blog
on this before but for all new Bloggets I shall give a brief description along with
what happened to me when I saw things whilst blind!
Yes, you read the above correctly. When I first lost my sight,
it was overnight. Terrified no support and no advice from what we take for
granted now days on the internet. With a one-year old baby to care for and no
previous experience with caring for babies let alone doing so whilst blind.
I suffered from something I didn’t understand at the time
and it was only many years later when I heard others write about such a subject
I could relax and know I hadn’t gone mad all those years ago.
So, what am I talking about? (Charles Bonnet Syndrome)
CBS follows at times when your vision has suddenly become
worse or in my case gone entirely. It’s how your brain reacts to your sudden
sight loss. As it’s your brain that tells your eyes to see. Medically it’s known
as having a hallucination. CBS is only caused by sight loss and has nothing to
do with the fact you have a mental health problem.
When you lose your sight, your brain fills in the gaps as it’s
not receiving information any longer, so, it brings up old images or fantasy images
and for a lot of people, for some reason they seem to be awful.
The first time I experienced this was when I was carrying my
baby through to my kitchen. For days, I seemed just to carry him in total fear
of putting him down on the floor to play as I had before. Would I find him?
Would he hurt himself? What if he went to a plug socket and I didn’t see him?
It didn’t take long before I adjusted to the safety fact and
realised that of course all my sockets had those baby plugs in them and wires
as before were hidden away as best as possible and, he made sounds normally
spoke as my Son from far earlier than the norm, was able to talk in words I understood.
And I quickly learned to listen for things that I had never had to before. Him shuffling
his tiny footsteps even along the carpet. His arm movements even. I mean, how
many sighted Mums and Dads, Grandparents and others who care for babies and
children actually can say they can hear their baby’s arms moving? Smile… I even
learned what toys he was playing with, just by the different sounds of wood, or
plastic. The way he would hold something or giggle possibly be very serious
whilst in his babies mind he would concentrate.
Thank goodness, I can now tell you what to be aware of if
you are reading this and you do lose your vision, don’t panic as I did. I actually
saw a dark hair man. Dark skin. Evil eyes. In navy blue clothes. He was hidden
behind my kitchen door. My heart burst open. I screamed I shivered. I felt a
cold sweat all over my body. I stared at this evil man who only had intentions
of hurting my baby and myself. Why else would he be there, hiding and how did
he get in my house?
I punched my free arm out towards him, hitting the kitchen
chair that was where he should have been. I clung onto my baby with my other
arm. I looked around my kitchen to find some kind of tool to protect us.
There were no tools. There were no kitchen worktops. No cooker
where it used to be. Where was my sink? That chair I just attacked making my knuckles
bleed, where was that? In fact, why wasn’t the light on? Where was the light
from the window?
It was only when reality kicked in. I was blind. I would
never see my kitchen again. Moreover, my beautiful babies smile would never put
a spell of glee across my face again. His eyes would never burn through my soul
and touch my heart. The forever cloud was over my world forever. And what crime
had I done to deserve this?
Many months later the same man got bored with scaring me and
slowly disappeared. But some years later he reappeared in a totally different
house of mine as I had moved house and he wasn’t as scary. Same man though, in
the exact clothing.
I know of people who see huge trucks coming towards them and
branches of trees suddenly come down to them as if reaching down to choke. But the
strangulation of this syndrome does fade there is no treatment for it but the
wonderful RNIb in the UK, offer support and know you will be OK. You, may be
one of the lucky ones and only see shapes, it still can be daunting though when
for hours days weeks, you haven’t had sight. And the feeling of suddenly
thinking your vision is returning to face reality that it’s your
brain playing games so, the let down all over again can be overwhelming.
As for my baby, I never thought it was possible to love him
even more than I did, but still today, twenty years later, I worship my Son and
thank God, he was there for me even though so very young. He was, and is, my miracle.
He kept me alive when my parents died so very close in time to one another. There
isn’t a day goes by when I don’t thank my maker for the gift he sent me. And I hate
being blind. It’s pure hell. Of course, there are times when I laugh which I never
used to think it was possible to do after going blind, but most times I’m in so
much pain with sight loss. But if I had to be given blindness to receive my
Son, then that is how life is. For him I would do anything.
And briefly onto dreams. Another question asked by many of
you and my friend/our Blogget William. What happens in our dreams.
I used to see in my dreams as I did when I had sight. Now my
dreams sadly are fading and I am seeing a dirty brown light in whatever room I am
in. everything in my dreams is brown, people’s hair, if blonde, my brain tells
me they have blond hair, but it’s as if looking at blond hair under a brown
lightbulb. Clothes are all brown. Furniture and even the sky outside during a
sunny day. Has a brown covering. The other night I had a long dream and when I diagnosed
it, the full dream I was sat in a room next to that lamp of beige and just
thinking out my dream. So, words were going on people were moving, but I sat in
a chair just thinking about the dream rather than moving about like I normally
do.
In my dreams I drive and run. I walk into dark rooms and
never bump into anything. It’s as if I’m sighted, but I don’t see.
My Husband who has never had sight, he was born totally
blind, he has never even been able to differentiate light and dark. Still dreams,
but he dreams as he sees during the day and nights when he is awake. He hears,
so he has audio dreams like listening to a story on the radio he also feels
people as they pass him just like he can tell when we are walking around our
busy city he tells me to be careful, as there is a car parked annoyingly on the
pavement or an advertisement board in the middle of the path making it so
difficult for our dogs to navigate us around them. He can also sense, as in
feel, if someone is approaching him. I’m learning through him, just how to do
this.
The air changes. Birds song quieting’s and transport is
muffled whenever their s an obstacle. It’s like walking out of a noisy room. You
can still hear what is going on, but it’s quieter.
We smell the perfume aftershave of people approaching and
sadly, those nice fragrances are not always so, well, fragrant… another
downside of being blind, we notice people’s bad habits. As in being allergic or
the avoidance, to soap…
I hope this has helped you, and my friend with his students.
And I hope some of his students become one of my Bloggets and follow my blog
page. Smile. Take care of yourselves and appreciate what you have…
Ps
Who was Charles Bonnet?
I for one would love to have such a brain.
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