Sitting here in somewhat shock
and disbelief at what has occurred today in my world. All I can say right now
is
Wow!
I really have no words. Each
time I try to think of how I feel, the words I want to use are smashed up as if
a hammer to glass.
I just can’t believe it. I
really can’t. My dog is in her bed all quiet and even our bird is quiet,
whereas before he never stopped singing and my dog, well, she was my dog. Just
happy wild and jumping all over the place.
But not now, it’s as though they
know I need time to digest this day’s events.
My house is a mess. I’m
embarrassed how bad it looks all the times it’s clean and for what or whom?
Today? I wished I had got up and did my housework. I’m ashamed, but, wow.
Was it a good thing what happened?
I’m certain it was. For sure I didn’t expect it. I always say, you never know
what is around the corner, so hang in there. I expect when I calm down, I will
be able to tell you how I feel, that’s when I, learn for myself.
In the meanwhile, I need to
clean the floors and dust then the bathrooms are in much need but that’s what
happens when you spend hours writing through the day the day before that is and
cook and iron the rest of the time. Yesterday I did a bumper ironing session.
My boy won’t be in till later
so I think we will have an easy tea tonight. I really can’t even put my brain
to cooking. Oh heck. Really. I think my eyes are smiling? I do need a cup of
tea with sugar and I don’t take sugar.
Mind you, after what I saw
today, I should never want sugar again, ever as long as I live.
Enough of this puzzle for now,
I have been asked to finish a short story I wrote some time back. I never was
able to get back into it, until today, just now; I had to throw myself into
something out of the real world. This story I’m writing will have an ending,
not sure sad or happy, but I hope today’s events have a happy ending for me?
If you don’t understand me,
what I’m writing, don’t worry, I don’t understand myself either.
I don’t understand where I
should be in the world or what my mind should be thinking. I want to be happy
and excited about what happened today. I want to pull down some bricks from my
walls, but it’s safe in here, though sometimes when that choice of safety is
removed from your life, and there are obstacles put in your way, you are made
to clime rather than staying still.
But the mountains are so close
and so pretty. I want to see more of them.
Part two
So my shock yesterday. I as ever had no sleep all night. It was
seven and Hub got up for work. Stress time for me. I used to get wrong when I
got up with him, have you got this that and the other, hehehe, so I thought I
may as well stay in bed then. Not that I get any sleep. So Teen was up for
school, sort of. I had to remind him to feed his bird. Also make sure he was up
as sometimes he forgets to set his alarm. After trying to remind Hub to take a
box of biscuits for work and the team, then shouting down stairs to remind him
to take his lunch I made him the night before, and then telling teen there was
some tuna for his lunch and so on, I really may as well get up. Then to find
out that teen was still in bed. Oh my insides are by this point knotted. I
really should get up but that would equal no sleep at all. I used to sleep when
I knew teen and Hub were at their places of work and study at ten to nine/nine,
but not anymore. So, at twenty past nine, I got up, showered and after brushing
my teeth, I left my hair looking baaa’aaa’d. I thought, I am exhausted. What am
I getting up for? More housework? Oh but I should, I was rather lazy the day
before and my bathrooms need doing as do my floors and the dust? Oh stuff it I
thought and got back into bed…. I couldn’t relax as I knew I was waiting for a
parcel.
Then it happened. The doorbell. Just as I was starting to feel a bit
sleepy when the entire world is up and about, yep, I feel sleepy.
I grabbed my dressing gown and keys and ran down the stairs; oh the
post man was going to get a shock if I looked as bad as I felt.
I ran to the front door through two glass doors, well, I did open
them before I actually went through them…
Got the key in the door. Wrong key.
Second key found out of the bunch I have and at last, would the post
still be there?
No. He had gone I thought, anyway.
As I stood there I moved forward and stuck my head out of the door,
you know looking around as though looking for a van or a person who would see
me, wave because they could see me looking at them… Why I do stupid things like
go through the actions of thinking I can see is beyond me.
Oh I was deflated as no sound at all. So no one shouted for me to
wait for them to hand over a parcel and no delivery van.
Then a voice.
Oh God. He was standing in front of me and I hadn’t seen him. What
would he think? He obviously had been handing me the large box and I hadn’t
took it. Oh how bad.
So I said sorry, and then held out my arms for a parcel. Then
nothing, but after a few seconds, I felt a paper tapping on my hand. Oh a
letter?
I cupped my hands and took what looked like a leaflet.
Why would the postman hand me by hand a leaflet?
Then the voice I really didn’t recognise told me words which put the
fear of death in me.
“We don’t ask for a signature now!”
Oh.
No!
God, you may know what went through my head? What the hell could he
want next?
Then I don’t know and I doubt I will ever know, but my brain told me
it was not a letter or a delivery of my parcel, but my a person.
If it was who I thought it was, oh gosh, my house was a tip and I
was worse.
I hugged him. Then thought, heck, what if I have hugged the postman?
Then to top it, I invited the postman in.
The voice was not what I remember from almost five years ago.
When I hugged him, no way it was that person. Even different hair.
All these thoughts were going through my mind as the person on my
doorstep was entering my house whilst I was in my dressing gown.
Gosh. What had I done? But something told me who it was.
I left him in the living room getting attacked by Wagga as I ran to
get changed.
Still hadn’t brushed my hair.
No sleep but two hours the night before last. Looking a mess. I came
back downstairs to confirm who the heck I had let into my house.
I can’t tell you how odd it felt.
I still don’t know how I felt.
It wasn’t happening, was it?
Part three
As I entered the living room, not knowing where this person
was, until I asked if he wanted a drink of tea/coffee, then his voice answered
no. So I at least knew where to look. I realised he was stood up. I told him to
sit down and it was confirmed, I was right, there he sat, just like he was when
he was seventeen. It was really weird. His voice was so different and young.
Just like the past. He was so slim I never ever thought I would see him slim?
He has always been really big, the size of three men. Here he was, looking amazing.
I told him so, he asked if I could see him at all, I guess he would be
wondering how I knew he looked good? I could tell by when I hugged him, Wow, I
was in shock. I was delighted to see him. Though in so much shock. Ashamed too
by the house. I really can’t tell you how much housework I do, but of late, I
have rebelled and had lazy days. Having said that, I have lots of friends with
worse houses, hehehe. And you know who you are????
It was a really odd feeling to see him after almost five
years. To hear the voice he had when we were kids. How could his voice change
so much by losing weight? He has lost more than half his weight. He is smaller
than me…. That is too weird. Really, I never ever thought I would see him like
that. Proud that he has done it, wish I could be so good. He had to wait till
he was fifty to get there, perhaps same for me?
I hope that he will now live longer. Oh I can’t tell you
still writing this, how I feel, because I don’t know how I feel, other than
really really shocked. Very glad he came.
He stayed for three hours. We talked a lot. Oh he has done
really well in life, always did though, he is a work a holick and very
successful. He is the opposite of me in every way as he is so positive and so
successful. He is a go getter and doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings if
they say anything negative to him, he will laugh it off, whereas me? I’m
bothered about everything. I would love to be like him. To not care about
anything, I always remember him wearing shorts and going swimming, he was not
bothered about his appearance. Good on him. Me? I was the wallflower in the
corner hiding he was out there and so positive. Nothing got in his way, if it
did, he would knock it down. Me? Something got in my way; I would go the other
way. His cup is half full, mine half empty.
He has supported his two daughters and now grandchildren.
He gave me a very kind gift. When I told Hub of his visit,
he was really happy and thought it was a very kind thing for to have happened.
As I said goodbye to him, I felt really numb. I heard his
car drive away, how did I feel? Still shocked I never thought I would see him
again. Not ever. I have not stopped thinking about him and the people who were
at one point, my family. I love them all but really have hid away from life
from my past I had to, this was the only way I knew how to cope with my past.
There is a lot in my past that no one will ever learn and I needed help, but
had no one I could trust. I have had to sort it out myself and still struggle,
but to see him that day, oh I feel so peaceful and to know he is doing so well
and seams happy and to hear stories about the family, makes me feel warm.
There he was,
My Brother.
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