HELP FOR SIGHT LOSS PART 1

Losing your sight can be the most life changing experience you will ever go through! Some people cope with the news they will go blind really well. Some people don’t find out until it’s too late. Others like me who are / were in total denial, end up visiting every emotion possible to the human body. For me, fear and the knowledge that you must go on in life but also know that you can’t face the darkness. I was not expecting my fate the morning I woke up blind was more than a devastating shock to me. I had been told from the age of four that I would be blind. Imagine, four years old to be given such news? I witnessed the Doctor each time we visited the hospital reducing my poor Mum into the saddest and most tearful thing I have ever seen. This has long effects on a child so young, as does the fact that a man can hold so much evil power over a helpless lady who would never hurt anyone or anything in her shortened mapped out life.

 

I say my Mums life was mapped out, because I believe she was meant to take me from the foster home at the age of four weeks for a reason. That reason was to fight for my sight. She sacrificed everything in her life to try to find a cure or at least some treatment for me.

 

I was not to be blind. Blindness was not spoken about in our family. Saving my sight was the only language. To lose my sight would be the impossible. So, when I was just turned 30, with a one year old baby, my Husband at work and I woke with the sounds of my baby shouting Mama, my nightmare began.

 

Now what to do?

1. Who can I tell?
2.  What questions should I ask?
3.  How can I find out phone numbers to call? I can’t see my phone book. I can’t take numbers
4. Who would change my baby’s nappy?
5. Who would feed him?
6.  How could I clean my house?
7.  How could I cook for my Husband?
8.  How could I sort out the colours for washing clothes?
9.  How could I iron?
10.  How would I know who was standing at my door?
11.  How could I read letters/birthday cards/Christmas cards?
12. I couldn’t write and didn’t know Braille. How was I to write?
13. I would never see flowers again, colours or the Television
14.  My wedding photographs were bits of paper.
15.  The most painful thing, I would never see my only child’s face again.
16.  I wouldn’t be able to teach him to read, write or take him places
17.  I wouldn’t see the sun again, a snowflake or raindrop.
18.  What would be shiny? Dull? Sparkly?
19.  How could I see to live?
20.  How could I breathe normal again?
21.  How could I hide with a baby?
22.  I wanted to run away, but how could I?
23.  How could I die, leaving my child without his natural Mother, just like me when I was born? I knew the personal effect that it all had on me, never really belonging with anyone or to anything.

 

Grasping onto anything or anyone who would help me. But soon learned that the help I needed was not out there. I was on my own. I had to teach myself as much as I could until I was ready to face my destiny.

 

The first major problem was times. How could I tell the time? I mean, before it was easy, I looked at the clocks in my house. I looked at my watch or turned on the TV and pressed the green button and read the time. Newly blinded without whispers of wisdom? Time was even before sticks, poles and shadow clocks, so without measures on the pols and sticks, not seeing shadows, how could I tell the time?   

 

In 1714, the British parliament offered an award, to anyone who could invent an accurate clock, for navigation, for use at sea. Thousands of sailors died because they were unable to find their exact position because the exact time was needed to find longitude and pendulums would not work at sea.

 

Sailors would be lost at sea, crashing against rocks. Well, I was crashing against my own rocks and I was a ghost. That is how I felt. No one could see me. No one heard my cries. Voices walked by me, feet stamped hard on me and the weight of life crushed me against a brick wall I couldn’t clime over.

 

I was laughed at rejected swallowed up for breakfast and spat out over dinner. Doctors thought of my terror a joke and teachers from my child’s school as he grew older spoke to me like I was a bad pupil.

 

I had officials telling me it would be impossible to look after my child so someone would visit me for the duration of my child’s youth.

 

I collected enough strength to tell the officials to go to hell.

 

After all, I was my child’s Mum. And nothing they did helped me. They set fire to my kitchen one day leaving me in the house with my baby and a fire. Flames I couldn’t see. Just could hear, crackling in the corner of my room.

 

Fighting the flames, I managed to make the scary sound go away. Then the start of my revenge grew stronger.

 

I’m still looking for that cure now. I still dream to see. I live for the news on our TV one day to announce the cure of stem cell treatment. But now I wait a winner. A saviour. Against all odds, I brought up my child as I have learned so many blind people do. Some have help from family; others like me don’t have any help at all. I taught my Son to talk walk read and write. To play and draw to laugh and learn. And for the past five years, I’m now on another journey. Living with my husband of four years this June, a blind person has been since birth. He is a professional. I’m still learning. He still struggles and gets frustrated, as do I, but now, I have learned, we can do almost anything. Cleaning I was doing days after I lost my sight, I hated it, dusting nothing. Holding ornaments that I chose once with such pride. Meant nothing now. Cooking I also did as my x husband worked at three jobs, so I was the housewife.

 

Now my second Husband and I go out into the big bad world, and it is a big bad world, full of cruel people, but you know what? There are also a lot of wonderful people and we meet them each week. They may not be our families, or even friends, most time strangers and in my case neighbours. But they are out there.

There are products to tell the time, white canes to find our way with the help of people who work to show blind people routes.

 

I find most help, excluding technology, the sugar in our cake, but the icing on the top of the cake, is  ourselves.

best help of all, is us

 

SIMPLY A MIRACLE

Gosh, a different day for sure. This morning, we got up and went to the doctors for Hubs prescription. Waggatail did great, going and on the way back, cleaned the streets of all leftover food.

Passed our chemist and whilst Hub went in, I stood outside with Wagga as it was a red hot day. Passed our local shop where the staff were so lovely and friendly, we are all on first name terms, which is so nice.

Got home the long way and on our way back, we bumped into our friend the cake lady from our church; can you remember her from many blogs ago? We walked back with her and had a nice chat. It’s my friend’s wedding on Sunday, so off to our church. Haven’t been for ages. Can you remember my friend Coffee cup? She’s getting married.

 

Anyway back to today. We got back and Hub

and I decided to go to our local shops. I have wanted him to do this for weeks. So, off again, dogs harnessed up and out we went. Waggatail and Long Chops thought it was their birthdays. Out twice in one day.

We walked through our avenue of all sorts and around the streets passing the lovely lilac tree and other spring smells. Clearing my head from the past few dark days I have had.

Now then, to the tactile? Would Waggatail find it? I am not so good at finding tactile on the ground. I go to jelly when I am outside.

She got the location right, just was a bit keen and didn’t quite get to the correct place to cross the road, but when she did with my help, she crossed over the road and on the left turn, I thought I would have to peal her away from the path to the park, but she was OK and continued walking. More importantly, she found the post where we are to wait for a bus.

She has never done that before not at that side. She is normally really bad at that.

We waited for only two minutes and on the bus we went. It was almost empty so quite good for finding a seat rather than someone’s knee

 

Concentrated as we had to get off a couple of stops later, did this, we always wonder if we are at the right stop though and never really know until we are off and listen to our surroundings.

 

Now we were in Wagga heaven. She knows this route. Better than super LC.

Weaving in and out of the trolleys and poles keeping the roofs of the overhangs up and in and out of the little tables from the coffee shop and at last whether we want it or not, into our local pet shop.

Bought some things and then to another shop where I have never been before on our own, to buy something to treat our roses in the garden.

I was delighted to say I managed to show Hub where to go and Wagga did great. Then the treat of the coffee shop. Again, Hub made me buy and handle the things I hate. Like going around the shops and ordering coffee and snack I just like to be in the background.

 

I can’t relax when out, so was a bit uptight. Hub could, and did, with a hot drink with all sorts on it and a huge cheese toasty.

 

Then time for the bus back. Hmm. Then the adventure began.

Well, Wagga was amazing. She headed streight for the seat where she gets her treat and we waited for our bus back. A very kind lady told us when our number 8 came in. The people here are so very kind.

 

On the bus we really had to listen as they go different routes all the time, and this was no exception

 

Let’s just say, in the end, we got back home, but we did a little de tour. Not much, but thank God we got off when we did or we would have ended up in a place we really wouldn’t have known.

 

But a great day, we were so good together. A team the four of us, with our twelve legs.

 

Tired dogs and rather proud Fifi.

 

I still sit here and wonder how on earth we did what we did today?

 

Simply a miracle.

DOCTOR FI

 Our friends came yesterday, Trix and Like. We had a fantastic day. Just chilling, chatting and being us. They are friends where we are just at one with. It is rare to find friends where we all get on. Our friend Trix, we have known since Hub and I were six, but Trix’s Husband, only five years. Though it is as if we have known him forever too. We went off to our local restaurant for lunch too and gave Louis a small gift for his new addition to his family. I felt rather sorry for him, as he told me the tradition of Chinese new Mothers can’t go out for a month after their baby is born and they can’t wash their hair for a month too. So must be awful for her and I think worse for him, as he works every hour and then goes home to a wife who is giving him hell and as well as a new born, a two year old. Bless him, but he was as lovely as ever and a great day was had.

 

It’s freezing cold here today and the forecast is to be colder at the end of the week. It’s like a November day.

 

My little old BB, my retired guide dog, is looking old now though she is only twelve. Her hearing and sight seems to be going. The littlenot so pup Wagga won’t leave her alone though, and keeps biting her. Poor BB just puts her sad head down on the floor and tries to hide behind me. I feel so sorry for her.

 

Teen came back tonight after being at his Fathers for the past few days. He’s safe and well, in bed with a cup of tea the monkey. Phoning me on his mobile in bed, to make him a cup of tea?

 

My eye is really bothering me still. It’s like it is nipping. The lump is still there and the white mark on my lenses too.

 

Tomorrow Hub and I are off to the town. I need to get out suffering from cabin fever, apart from the little walk to our local restaurant yesterday; I can’t remember the last time I went out.

 

The lady came today who does our garden. Bless her, she is a character. She’s from Portugal and is so lovely, but I feel so bad, as she is 64 and bending better than I could (Half) her age……

She told me she went to see Susan Boil. The singer. She said she would be surprised if she continues with her tour as looked really afraid on stage.

 

OK, must dash now as my lovely Husband is calling and you know me, always on call. Signing out for now

Doctor Fi

NEWS VIEWS AND MY DIARY

Hey Bloggets. It’s Friday and raining here. Dull and cold. How I would love to live in a country where it is warm all year round. I used to love our country for the four seasons, trouble is, we don’t get four seasons now. We are lucky if we get three! Early this morning Hub and I lay awake listening to the blackbird song. It was so beautiful and the traffic decided to go to bed, so all we could hear were the stunning sounds of the dawn chorus.

 

My Son has left now to visit his Father for the weekend. God I miss him already. I hate the fact how much I love and miss him. I’m sure it’s not normal to love someone as much as I love him. He will always be my baby and to let go as people phrase it, is so difficult. I have to say nothing and just hurt inside. I do miss him so much. My Husband doesn’t understand and I know he never will, but my life is complete when all three of us are under the same roof.

 

Hub has another ten days before he starts his new job. He is really anxious. You know how hard it is after a holiday from work of a week or two to get back in the swing of things? Well it will be five weeks for my Hub where he hasn’t worked and to go to a new job will be difficult, though I am sure after a few hours or even a couple of days, he will be fine?

If he can head International development and visit places like North Korea and South Africa, he can for sure handle a regional manager’s job right?

I know he is very keen to get started and I pray it will be less stressful for us as a family.

To have him home each night and weekend will be wonderful. We can be a normal family at last.

 

So in our news today. In South London, a Mother has been arrested for killing her three disabled children. They had Spinal muscular atrophy. This is a condition that leaves children with no movement of their body, eventually ending in an early death.

 

Now then at first I was repulsed. How can any Mother do this to one child, let alone three? There were three year old twin boys and a four year old girl. But when I found out about the disabilities, my heart ached for her. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with what she did, but at the same time, what future would those poor children have had?

I think the Mother needs serious help. What must she be going through now? I don’t for a second believe she is a murderer in the sense of the normal criminal mind. I think she has had some kind of breakdown. Also she would look at her poor children suffering and wonder about their future. What life would they have had? Not to be able to move at all? It’s horrible. To have one child like this you may be able to cope with but three?

The husband was in his native South Africa on holiday with their eight year old daughter. What must be going through the little girls head right now? It’s all so very painfully sad. That little girl now has lost her three siblings and Mother, as I think she will be sent to jail for life. Paid for of course by British tax payers. Do you know we pay £360,000,000 on foreigners jailed in the UK per year? I will never understand why we don’t send them back to their own countries?

 

Some great news.

In a major breakthrough, scientists have been successful in developing the first lab-grown epidermis - the outermost skin layer - which could replace animals in drug and cosmetics testing.

“This is great. Anything so that our poor animals are not used as much. I just wish they weren’t used at all.

 

A new blood test could predict who will suffer from arthritis before it hits, allowing for early treatment to stop irreparable damage being done.

“This is great news as that is so painful.

 

OK, as the rain continues to pound on my conservatory roof. I shall pop on the coffee percolator and have a chat with my Hub before doing some housework. Until later with love. X

PART OF MY LIFE

Good morning Bloggets. Week three now with Hub not working. I think we can start winding down now, and relaxing as everything is now official, we have all paperwork in place for starting the new job. So far his starting date has been confirmed the 5^th of May, but we know that date is a bank holiday in England, so doubt it will be that date, perhaps, the day after, the 6th? But at least it will be there or there about.

Surviving that long with no wage is rather challenging, but I’m sure we will be OK. Teen has a driving lesson today, so hopefully this will be a good day for him? We had a lovely night yesterday watching a great drama called  Jamaican Inn! Pretty gruesome, but really interesting to see how it was like for smugglers back in our history. God we were not nice people and the drama for sure went into such detail how we killed poor people coming into our shores. I guessed the ending from the start though, but the boys didn’t. I won’t spoil it for you, as I know you can get this on DVD also book format in Braille so I guess kindle too.

It was great though.

 Starting to prepare for my friends coming from Russia. They come over in May.   

So a bed to buy for the little man and sort out a company who will bring them from Manchester airport to here and make sure that the place they will be staying will be ready as well as trying to find out what there is to do for them as a family as there will be four of them. Really can’t wait to see them as specially my friend and her Son who is my little sweetie, he is not so little now, much taller than me and a man, but when I first met him, he was a boy of eight. And the most wonderful child ever. My x and I loved him so much I was ready to adopt him from day one. Gosh, what a life he has been through and if only he liked writing, he would make a great autobiography, but he is my Sons carbon copy. In so many ways. I think Teen is the soul of my friends Son though my friends soul still is alive and thank God well, but perhaps he should have been a twin, as so much in the two boys lives are so similar, down to the fact that they are both so bright and hate doing work that involves writing or concentrating. Haha. Both handsome and can be very charming but also quite cruel to their Mums. My friends Son gave me away at mine and Hubs wedding and the day would not be the same without him. It was the most wonderful gift having him to hand me to Hub. I just didn’t want anyone else. I’m sure my brother was offended, but the fact is, my brother as a child was my brother, sadly from him getting married, he drifted from our family and we lost our close connection and I hated the way he treat my parents. Having said that, I still think of him every single day and miss him so much but I know if we were to meet again, I would be left feeling week and very dark as that is how  he used to always make me feel.

I also have a niece who I loved so much and have to forget the idea I have a brother, also means I have to forget I have her. My heart does miss and hurt though.

She had a beautiful Husband and baby. I met the child once, then a couple of years later, I hadn’t seen her or my brother, and we moved house and that was that. They don’t know where we live. A new start without any family apart from my adorable mad aunt G.

So my friends are my family and my closest family are only two people. My Hub and Son. Those two are the most important people in the world to me. In fact I’m too close to them.

I don’t know if this is because I don’t have any family left, or perhaps my past, which if you have read my earlier blogs, is not a good background.

Or because I was born with a very sad and negative gene.

I think this is the answer. From the age of one, I remember being very protective over my brother. I recalled to my Mum many years ago an incident what happened to my brother and she said when we lived at that house, I was one year old. I remember from the age of three being very caring towards animals and children and to see a child playing in a park or street, even if they towered above me, I would have a painful lump in my throat thinking they were lost and as I have written about before when I asked a boy about five when I was four, if he had lost his Mummy? I asked him to get on his bike and I would push him home? Haha! Home? Where was that? Well, I walked and walked until the little boy started to cry. I was so upset as the child was obviously crying as his mum was lost? Em, no. His blooming Mummy was walking behind us. With my stupid sight, I saw only him. Perfectly clearly, but nothing around him. So not his Mum who was with him in the park. I turned as I heard her voice calling his name, asking him to stop and turn around now as they were getting too far from home?

I looked at this lady so tall and was so embarrassed. I ran back home myself. Home? Where was that? I got totally lost. I fell over a scooter that was lying across the path. Split my eye open and from then on, not sure how I got home, with my limited sight, but I did. My Mum took me to the local town hospital and it was there where they refused to treat me because of whom I was.

At last my Mum found a nurse who helped me but that was not the ending of nightmares with the medics in the UK.

Two years later when I got sand in my eye, I went to our local hospital again they wouldn’t see me we went to the next town hospital and the same. I was Fiona Cummings. I went to Russia against all medics’ advice in the UK. How could Russia treat me when no other country could? So my Mum ended up writing to the Queen and a response back with the words that a hospital in London would see me every six months. Well that was fine, but my parents lived in Northumberland. So a six hour journey in those days by train. And it turned out we had to go there four times a year. Before and after every trip to Russia. I went to Moscow twice a year so six visits for my eyes to hospitals for my sight in a year. Killed my education and life to be honest. As I have said before, gave me a totally different life than what I would have had but at the same time, in reflection, if I were to live my life over again, and it was my choice, would I pick that path?

I really don’t know, but I do know that if I had let nature take its route, I would have ended up going to the school in Coventry. This was a grammar school and the most amazing one at that. It was the partially sighted school equivalent to Hubs school for the blind.

I had to take an exam to pass for this school. I did but when I went to visit, I was accepted given my date for starting and then my Mum told them I would be in Russia on that date. They were shocked at my visits to the former Soviet Union and said they could only accept me if I was committed to education and couldn’t be if I was away from school most of the year. See, in those days you would be talking about three months for Moscow and London in one year.

If only I went there, I would be someone now. Just like my Husband. I wouldn’t have married my ex and committed my life to him at seventeen. I would have still been at school then university then with luck, a job for life.

A feeling of belonging in society. For those who are blind or with poor sight, and are able to study now, I would say if you are able to have an education, please go for it, as without it you are so disadvantaged

   If I hadn’t gone to Russia for treatment, I would not be able to see my baby when he was born. But I would be more independent. This sounds silly I am sure to those who are sighted, but if you are taught as a blind person, you learn so much more than those like me who live as a sighted person to fool the world. As in the end, you are fooling yourself. Things are so much more difficult.

OK. I’m off on one so must end this hear as it will become a novel. I just hope for those who have my eye condition, you all prepare for the worst to happen, don’t be like me with head in sand. Prepare. Learn Braille. The white cane. Routes and more. I was reading small print in a book one night. Woke up the next day blind. Lost trapped. Didn’t know what to do.

Don’t visit that world please? Be prepared and then just wait for our cure. I pray this will happen to set me free.

X  

DIARY AND GAS

Dearest Bloggets. How are you all today? Well our day so far. I am waiting for the gas man to come and service our heating. So he was due at twelve. I received a call saying he was in the area, he would come straight away. That was at ten. At twelve, no man. I phoned them up and was told that there was no record of him coming at ten and would be with me between twelve and six tonight. I said about the calls we had and got a blank.

Anyway, one hour later, received a call saying he was on his way. He would be with me within five minutes. So twenty minutes later, he turned up. He has been in my garage for half an hour. Hahahaha. What the heck is he doing in there? Though that is where our exercise equipment is, perhaps he is getting fit?

He has to come into the house yet.

I remembered to remove my underwear from the radiators.  Haha.

My Son is buying IPhones online fixing them and selling them on. This is his latest business.

I hope he does well. It started when he broke his IPhone screen and took it into our town to get it mended. They wanted £120 to fix it. He went on line to buy a new screen was quarter of that so he bought it, struggled with it, bought another one and fixed it perfectly. Now he has fixed three and sold them for a nice profit.

  My Son is away this weekend at his Dads. He’s leaving on Friday and coming home late Sunday night. I hope the weather is kind for them as they do a lot of outdoor activities. I’m pleased to say Teen is still at college and doing OK. He’s hoping to do another course come September, but this will depend on a lot.

He has stook to the same driving instructor. He has another lesson tomorrow. I’m proud of him, he’s doing really well.

OK, I’m off for some late lunch and some sun outside before it goes to bed. Until later. X

SIGHTED HUSBAND AND BLIND HUSBAND

I was married to my ex for 23 years. I could see when we met. I had 35 % sight in one eye and 27% in the other.

I’m sure others outside our house thought my ex did everything for me. Well, I’m about to tell the story of marriage with a sighted husband and life with my now blind husband.

Not going into the personal life with either man, I can tell you my ex worked dam hard for a living. Harder than any of his six brothers and certainly harder than his sister.

There was a time when he had three jobs. His family I am  sure thought his three jobs was to keep me in a lifestyle I was accustom to, but the truth is, his family were happy with a simple life of living in a rough area, as I was never used to living in such a way, why should I have started when I married?

My ex worked hard because of many reasons, apart from being a work a holic, he liked his money and he also enjoyed living in a nice house and again, why shouldn’t he? He had rubbish all of his life  before me, povity should have been his middle name, and not because his family had no choice, as his Mother had seven children, you don’t do that if you can’t afford kids, well, you shouldn’t in my opinion.

They were all happy never going on nice holidays and having cars that you needed to push home or even to jump start before going places. They were happy with second hand clothes and thieving for life.

My ex was the most honest out of all of them.

He liked his five star holidays and his lovely houses we had together.

Everything we had we paid for with honest money.

My ex was so different to the rest of them.

My role in our life?

To cook from seventeen and clean, and when I say clean, I mean everything.

Yes I had little sight, but my house was cleaner than any of my sighted friends.

I never went out on my own, I adapted to the cowardly lifestyle I was shown and learned to have

My ex didn’t come in once to an empty plate and I even used to run his bath for him. I never minded as this was my job, but the job that was never seen by others who were rather too quick to comment on how hard my ex had for a life.

  I ironed and did all the washing as well as dealt with the bills like home insurance as well as car insurance. I was my ex’s teacher, lover wife best friend confidant nurse cook and cleaner and when my Son came along, I was a full time Mum and nanny

Of course as well as all of the rest of the jobs I silently did.

Then when our beautiful and much wanted and loved Son was born, death happened.

My ex loved my parents as his own and they loved him too.

We were a very close family.

My ex did so much for my parents and was the best Son in law ever.

Despite our personal life, this was how it was. My parents both died just months after I woke up totally blind.

My ex was devastated. I was at the end of life. All within six months, I lost my sight and both my parents died.

I had a one year old baby to care for and my Husband. He had me to care for as I was suicidal.

Though we suffered, my ex continued working and I continued living a hell of a life.

Times changed so very much. I found it almost impossible to prepare the formula for my baby and change his nappy’s as well as teach play and be a Mother.

But I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

What did my ex do? He worked; he read every letter and bill, paying the bills with some help financially from me.

I received benefits and it all went on my Son and heating electric bills and gifts for my ex’s family. I bought Christmas and birthday gifts.

If we went on holiday, I paid for a lot of it too.

As did he.

The letter box would clatter and I would know there was a letter, I would pick it up, it was invisible to me and leave it on the table for my ex to read at night when he got in.

He would read the food to me so I could prepare for him coming in on the morning or the night before actually cooking it.

If I needed to wash windows, I would ask him before work, what the right bottle was?

Clothes, he would help me to sort out colours.

He was fantastic taking me shopping.

He could drive too.

He would say if there was a mark on the wall or carpet.

He could see. I lived without sight in a sighted world.

Perfect almost right?

Not quite, as he and I divorced.

Then my dream man walked into my life

The 12^th of February 2009, my now Husband walked through my front door right into my heart.

He as you may know is blind and my life now with a Husband who is blind is totally different, again, forgetting the personal side of it all, a letter comes through our door now if it’s in print; we are helpless until my Husband can set up his equipment on his scanner to read the mail. It’s not at all like someone sighted reading, you get half of the information and it’s of course not immediate. Can take ten minutes per letter. If we receive five letters in one morning, it takes an hour to read them all to find out that only one is of any good. If we could see, it would be a three minute job.

We can’t read the gas meter or electric so have to rely on others or like what we actually do, pay over until someone from the company comes out to read the numbers.

What’s in the packaging or tins? Hmm. A guessing game. Sometimes we get it right and other times? Well, there’s always a stew the next day!

Unless of course one of the tins is custard?

We are not sure when lights are on or off unless we feel the heat from them but sometimes table lamps can fool us or the light above the cooker or bathroom lights, they are too high to reach.

They may be a cobweb  high up, or a mark on the carpet, our glass may have fingerprints on, but he and I are as one. We are a team and we are in the same zone. Still in a sighted world, that world is a hard and cold one, but together we are and forever we will be unless there is a cure? I pray. Then I can go out and be free from these dam chains which forbid me from living the life I want and would love to have and experience for the first time in my life, as forever I have been in this prison, but this time my warden is my disability, and my Husband is kind and we are very happy together and we understand each other.

EASTER DIARY

My day so far a bit of a bore to be honest. This morning I got up had something I never have time for normally in the morning and that was a bath. I only could have half of one though because of our stupid bath. I put my peppermint salts in it and the smell was amazing. Then came to the breakfast table for a lovely sandwich made by Hub with vegetarian bacon and mushrooms. Yummy, it was lovely.

Then I tidied up and made tea for tonight. Well that was fun? Hub thought we had some lasagne sheets and I knew we didn’t but he insisted we had, so I prepared all of the ingredients for our feast tonight.

Only to discover, we didn’t have the sheets. Great, lasagne all ready, waiting for pasta sheets.

Oh luckily I have pasta tubes so that had to do. A huge dish is waiting to be put in the oven now and it looks rather lovely, but the funny thing was, the box hub thought was the pasta sheets, was dried coffee? The other one that could have been as it looked like it, was freeze dry rice?

Never mind, where there was a will, there was some kind of pasta.

Hub has done some gardening, well, he watered it and cleaned the dreaded dog run, and I vacuumed and dusted. Teen is due soon.

Haven’t seen him since Friday.

I’m off to the dentist tomorrow. Oh God. Dread dot com.

I reellyreallyreally don’t like the dentist.

I also don’t think the dentist likes me as this will be the eighth time I will have been with the same tooth.

Surely if they liked me, they would fix my tooth once and once only? Rather than punishing me? Or do they like me so much they make sure they put a dodgy tooth part in and knowingly smile as they will be reassured I will be back.

To see them of course?

Let’s hope Waggatail gets me there and back without an incident? Hub will be coming as my safety blanket and as Hub doesn’t know how to get there, I will be the driver. God help us?

OK, I shall go for now, but remind me later I would like to write a blog about what I was thinking about last night as I was trying without any luck to sleep? Living as a blind person with a sighted Husband then the same blind person, this time living with a blind husband? That is my subject for later on. X

WHO CAME TO THE HOTEL BY FIONA CUMMINGS (SHORT STORY)

WHO CAME TO THE HOTEL

BY FIONA CUMMINGS

 

She was so beautiful. Hair of pure gold and almost turquoise eyes, framed by lashes of new two penny peaces.

Tall too, almost willowy and slim as a reed growing near by a fast flowing river!

Who was she? Well no one ever quite knew her in the real world. Yes, we knew her name, Sarah.

We knew how old she said she was, 19. But was she?

We never met her family, she didn’t speak of them or where she came from.

As for her background? Hmm. Whenever anything was spoken about her past, she found something to occupy herself to avoid the subject of her childhood.

 Where was she educated?  In fact, was she educated at all? I mean, we weren’t quite sure to be honest how she got the job at our hotel. Who even employed her, as Tori Williams, our manager, blanked us whenever we asked about Sarah? The job was not advertised and the owner of the hotel, Benjamin Oakley, a relaxed kind of guy, who used to sit in the drawing room, with his face in the papers reading all about finances and seeing what was racing on the flats that weekend, sipping on a peppermint tea whilst his turned up smile only on the left side of his face would pass a smart comment at one of us girls. He was a nice person though, did so much for charity considering his past! So we could talk with him in a one on one term. I asked him on the 30^th of April, 2014. I remember that date as it was my birthday and Mr. Oakley asked Tim, our head barman to prepare me a drink the drink they had spoken about earlier. A gift from Mr. Oakley.  Did I mention he had a funny sense of humour?

A coke with a cherry and a paper umbrella was my tipple.

As I sat with him to take a drink, I asked Mr. Oakley about Sarah.

“So, the new girl, Sarah?” I dared to ask. As he rattled his papers, placing his pen in his lips as he made some poor attempt to talk through the mixture of plastic and porcelain, all I could understand was him saying he wasn’t there to tittle tattle. It was my job to work making sure our guests were satisfied and he was there to keep the boat a sail.

He was really red, as though in anger rather than shy to my questions.

The atmosphere was like walking into a room where you just know you are not wanted.

I mean, Tim was more direct than me. He asked Sarah the question of how she came to our hotel and who gave her the job? Sarah just acted as though she hadn’t heard him, but to be honest, if she didn’t hear him, I’m not quite sure how she is able to answer the phone behind reception, as surely her hearing must be impaired?

She just appeared one day. The management are as though walking on egg shells around her. She comes to work late, leaves early, her lunch breaks are more like a siesta, and no one reprimands her.

But she is so lovable likeable and seriously stunning. Her clothes are impeccable. Her skin like a porcelain doll and a voice like an angel fresh from finishing school in heaven.

At the end of her shift, where did she go? Who did she meet? I just had to find out and the only way I could do this was to tell Tori I was ill, so when one of us saw Sarah go for her light coloured linin jacket that hung without a crease from the brass horse head hooks in the staff room I could tell Tori I had to leave early.

And that day came.

I kind of wished it hadn’t.

 

EASTER RECEPIES

Good day Bloggets. A different Easter for us. The first one without my Son. I hurt so much without him, but I have my Husband.

The knowledge that he will be with me every night from now on. This was my wish and has come true. Now Hub is listening to Songs of praise on the telly. All the poems and hymns from Cathedrals but the pain I feel of the loss of the absence of my child is horrible.

I don’t think my Son has had much of an Easter, as from what he has told me in texts.

As for ours? We didn’t do a roast this year, but we had a nice meal of homemade tomato and basil soup and Focaccia bread with fresh tomatoes on parmesan cheese and black pepper all hot from the oven and delicious Simnel cake. Yummy.

So do you have Simnel cake in your country? Simnel cake has been eaten since medieval times as both a rich, sweet treat and a symbolic ritual. The fruit cake is topped with eleven marzipan balls to represent the eleven apostles of Christ, minus Judas.

Here are some Easter recipies

Simnel cake

For the almond paste

• 250g/9oz caster sugar
• 250g/9oz  ground almonds
• 2 free-range  eggs
• 1 tsp  almond essence
• For the cake
• 175g/6oz  butter
• 175g/6oz soft  brown sugar
• 3 free-range  eggs
• 175g/6oz  plain flour
• Pinch of salt
• ½ tsp ground  mixed spice
• 350g/12oz mixed  raisins currants and sultanas
• 55g/2oz chopped mixed peel
• ½ lemon, grated zest
• 1-2 tbsp apricot jam
• 1 free-range egg

Preparation method

1.     For the almond paste, place the sugar and ground almonds in a bowl. Add enough beaten egg and mix to a fairly soft consistency.

2.     Add the almond essence and knead for one minute until the paste is smooth and pliable

3.     Roll out a third of the almond paste to make a circle 18cm/7in in diameter and reserve the remainder for the cake topping.

 

Preheat oven to 140C/275F/Gas 1. Grease and line a 18cm/7in cake tin For the cake, cream the butter and sugar together until pale and fluffy. Gradually beat in the eggs until well incorporated and then sift in the flour, salt and mixed spice (if using) a little at a time. Finally, add the mixed dried fruit, peel and grated lemon zest and stir into the mixture.

Put half the mixture into a greased and lined 18cm/7in cake tin. Smooth the top and cover with the circle of almond paste. Add the rest of the cake mixture and smooth the top leaving a slight dip in the centre to allow for the cake to rise. Bake in the preheated oven for 1¾ hours. Test by inserting a skewer in the middle - if it comes out clean, it is ready. Once baked, remove from the oven and set aside to cool on a wire rack

1. Brush the top of the cooled cake with the apricot jam. Divide the remainder of the almond paste in half; roll out a circle to cover the top of the cake with one half and form 11 small balls with the other half.

Place the circle of paste on the jam glaze and set the balls round the edge. Brush the cake topping with a little beaten egg

1.     Preheat the grill to high. Place the cake onto a baking tray and grill for 1-2 minutes, or until the top of the marzipan begins to brown. Alternatively, lightly heat the cake topping using a cook's blow torch, until the marzipan is golden-brown.

 

These recipies are  from Good Food magazine,

Hot crossed bun ring with spiced honey butter

• 300ml whole milk
• zest 1 orange
• 50g butter, cubed
• 500g strong white flour, plus 140g for the crosses, and extra for dusting
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 85g golden caster sugar
• 7g sachet fast-action dried yeast
• 1 large egg, beaten, plus 1 egg to glaze
• oil, for greasing
• 100g dr mixed fruit

For the spiced honey butter

• 200g salted butter, softened
• 1½ tsp cinnamon
• ½ tsp ground ginger
• 4 tbs clear honey

·          Tip

Glazing your buns

We’ve glazed our buns with beaten egg as they tend to burn in the toaster if glazed with jam. However, if you want a super-shiny finish, glaze with sieved apricot jam once you remove the buns from the oven. Just make sure you toast them under the grill, to prevent burning

Method

1. Warm the milk and orange zest in a small saucepan until steaming. Remove from the heat and add the butter, swirling the pan until the butter has melted and the milk has cooled to hand temperature.
2. Mix the flour, cinnamon, sugar, yeast and 1 tsp salt in a large bowl. Pour in the milk mixture and the beaten egg, and mix with a wooden spoon until the mixture clumps together. Tip out onto your work surface and knead until smooth and elastic – the dough should bounce back when pressed with your finger. Transfer to a clean oiled bowl, cover with cling film or a tea towel and leave to rise for 2 hrs or until doubled in size.
3. Dust your largest baking tray with flour. Tip the dough back onto your work surface and knead again to knock out any air bubbles. Add the dried fruit and knead to incorporate into the dough. Divide the dough into 11 equal pieces. Roll each lump of dough into a smooth ball. Arrange the balls on your tray in a ring, leaving a small gap between each one. Cover loosely with a piece of cling film and leave somewhere warm to prove again for a further 1 hr or until doubled in size, the buns should be just touching.
4. Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Brush the buns with a little beaten egg. Mix the remaining flour with enough water to make a thick paste, then transfer to a piping bag fitted with a small round nozzle, or use a sandwich bag and snip off one corner. Use the paste to pipe crosses over the buns – this is easiest if you pipe in one big circle, then put a line across the middle of each bun. Bake for 25 mins until golden and cooked through.
5. Meanwhile, make the spiced honey butter. Put the butter, spices and honey in a bowl and beat with an electric whisk until smooth. Transfer to a bowl. When the buns are cooked, remove from the oven and leave to cool for 10 mins on the baking tray. Serve the bun ring warm with the butter in the centre for spreading. The buns will keep for up to 3 days in a tin or freeze for up to 3 months.

Now are you ready to cook? As for me? Hmm. A visit to M&S I think. X