I hope you are sitting comfortably Bloggets, as this is about five pages long. The ending, if you do what I will write about, then please let me know how you got into it?
Well a fun day with the tax office. So much to think about and do this week. Taken phone calls for Hub too dealing with Blithering buffoons. I guess they did make me laugh. I just don’t understand how I know of such intelligent people out of work and then, there are those very strange individuals!
For some odd reason, I keep thinking it’s the weekend. Why? Not sure. And to be honest our weekends role into the weeks only difference is, Hub and I spend time together.
Last night he was so late, as he had to stay behind at work. Most days he works and I do what I have to do. It’s boring and lonely at least weekends we are together.
Shopping coming soon. Again, I write about how expensive groceries are. I didn’t buy anything inspiring this week. I envy people who food shop and can make a meal that is full of imagination. I can cook those who eat my food say it tastes nice, I have not poisoned anyone yet but I hate to cook. Some people can put furniture where it looks good. Some can make a room beautiful and then there is me who can’t make anything exciting. House looks good though…
This weekend I made two dinners that were delicious. But very boring, simple, though full of flavour. They were like what my Mum used to make. Gosh I miss her cooking. That feel good feeling when you sat down to her dinners. They were huge and soo’oo’oo good. I wonder when I’m gone, what if anything will my Son miss of me? Some days I think nothing.
Some parents I know of, really don’t seem to care about their kids. I do care and love my Son so much but I don’t think I have the respect from our Son, that kids do with their parents who never worry about them. Don’t mind what they eat or drink. Are not bothered about where they are late at night and don’t ever seem to educate their children old or young.
Children belonging to those people have such respect towards their parents, how does that work?
My Son is under the illusion that because he is twenty, I should not care about where he is or worry about him. How can I stop worrying? I can try to change which I have. Every time I get anxious because he hasn’t text me to say he has arrived at his job an hour away, I try to get angry, saying he is selfish, whereas a year ago, I would have had him in a car crash and worse in my imagination. So, I am training my mind to try to think of something else or at least as I said. Selfish so an so hasn’t bothered to let me know he is OK. He doesn’t get the correlation between me worrying about him, and him worrying about Shamrock, his girlfriend, if she drives somewhere and doesn’t let him know she is alright. He does worry about her and he has known her almost a year. Me, I’m just his Mum have been for twenty years but I am not meant to care? I’m a control freak. An yet friends of his who have parents who never ask where their kids are, don’t bother about what they have had to eat, are really good parents. Hmm. I’m going wrong somewhere as I am sure those who don’t care, are much happier and relaxed in life.
I was listening to two lovely ladies yesterday talking about negative energy. We give energy to worrying as sometimes we worry about our past, well like they say, it’s our past, so it may have affected us later down the line, but what can we do about that now?
Tell ourselves we have control. Only we can change our past to make our present a better place.
WE give negative energy to worrying about our future, well, we don’t know about our future. I certainly wouldn’t have put myself in my life or shoes nine years ago. Never would I imagine I would be where I am and have done what I have done.
19 years ago, I was living with a sighted Husband and had a baby. I went blind overnight. I was reading small print the night before and woke up blind. It took ages before I realised just what had happened. I have written before but for those new Bloggets, I shall reiterate
My Mum and Dad adopted me when I was four weeks old. They were turned down twin boys a few months earlier because one of the boys had a rash on their face. Like a lot of babies get, sounds crazy these days.
Instead of them, she got me. On the surface I looked perfect, blue eyes golden hair. A tiny baby. From the age of one they noticed I was dropping toys and struggling to pick them up. Bumping into things too. A long story shortened, four years later after the medics telling my Mum there was nothing wrong with my eyesight, other than I could just be slow, Psychologists later many of them all saying my intelligence quotient was way above average, Doctors had to take a look at my eyesight. Then they were proven wrong and didn’t like that, so became our enemies.
We were treat so badly. Given no advice just put in the rubbish like the trash I was later on in life constantly made to feel like.
It was my Mums goal in her life to make sure that sight would be given. Remember we are talking mid to late seventies. There is nothing now for me so then?
Years and years later, I suffered because of fighting for sight, but in my psyche, I would never I couldn’t, ever, go blind. So, when I did, oh. If not for my baby I would not be here now. I wasn’t prepared for sight loss. I was always partially sighted, but the dark red turning to brown outlook on life would never happen to me.
Well it did. I couldn’t breathe when I learned what had happened. I went through every single fear seeing people, always evil men standing in front of me in my house. Of course, they weren’t real, I was going through something called the Charles Bonnet syndrome.
I had never heard of that I had no one to talk with. My parents just couldn’t cope with me losing my sight, they were heart broken and devastated. I was trapped in a world I didn’t want. I was 30 how could I live the rest of my life in the dark? I was so alone especially when my parents both died within six months of each other just after I lost my sight.
Well fast forward ten years. I was reunited with my first love from school. We married. He was, is, blind too. He has never had sight. To me he was a God. What he had achieved in life was nothing short of a miracle. His education was incredible, again, my education suffered because I had to go for eye treatment twice a year for over a month at a time to Russia. It was more expensive for my parents to pay for me to go there in the school holidays, so I went in school term. Then I had to visit a hospital in London because no other eye Doctor would see me anywhere else in the country, because, I had been blacklisted, why? Because my Mum was right, they were wrong and we went to the forbidden land. Russia. Moscow for eye treatment. Treatment that the medics in the UK rebuked profusely, an yet, they insisted I went to the eye hospital four times per year where loads of tests were done on my eyesight. I went through the pain of live TV interviews with top Doctors from London calling my Mum worse than dirt for taking me to Russia, an yet afterwards in the green room, they shook her hand and said not to stop taking me as they would do the same after seeing the results after my twice-yearly trips to Russia. They reduced my Mum into tears and I was totally helpless.
In hindsight, I would have been better off going blind earlier and then I would have had the same education as my Husband. I wouldn’t have been in such fear of the darkness.
Now, I go out in the dark, something I could never do when I had sight because my eye condition means I am blind in the dark other than seeing shadows and lights. Now, I’m as free as an owl. I walk without a care with my guide dog. But to get to this stage I suffered. I don’t want anyone else to go through what I did. So many people around the world talk to me each day about how they want to take their gun to their head or take pills to end the fear and pain, worry about their future. All I can say to them is, be prepared and give them tips to prepare themselves. And, you, never know what is around the corner of life. If you are in denial, it’s a very dangerous place to be. Face your possible future, and I say possible, as you don’t know just how bad, or ill you will get. Also, a cure could happen by accident. Hopefully there is researchers out there working as we chat.
So, how to not worry, good question, right? Only you can do that for yourselves. Do you want that horrid twisted knotted feeling in your stomach where by you sometimes feel as if you are about to have a heart attack every day, when you wake up and when you go to bed? I don’t for sure. People say meditation helps. Now is this a word you laugh at, or think that is for rejects from the 60’s? Or are you like me and wonder just how you do meditation? It’s a subject that I have stayed on the edge with for years. In my mind, it sounds so beautiful. Peaceful, but something other people do, can do. Are you born the kind of person who can meditate? I used to think that my mind was too active to meditate. How can I find a quiet space? My head shouts at me all of the time, OK, time to lock me up? Tell you something, I even answer back to the voices sometimes. Hahaha. If I don’t have voices in my head that sound like a radio station from time gone by that is on the wrong station, kind of in between stations, and needs tuning in. I hear music, songs, lyrics but jumbled up. So how do I get my quiet zone?
Well I have read that you should embrace all sounds and reflect that the noise is a perception that exists in your consciousness. Think of the noises either in your mind, or in real life for example, traffic or sounds from your neighbours, perhaps a vacuum or washing machine, like the weight of your head on your pillow at night time, or when you breathe, you don’t always stop and say, hey, hang on, I’m breathing, do you? You don’t even take much notice to you blinking, so if you tell yourself that your sounds are part of your world then you will learn to put that to one side and get your very own personal quiet space.
So, then what? Are we too cool to meditate? Is it for what they call tree huggers? BTW, I love tree huggers, thank God for them or our world would have a lot greyer in it than what it has already.
Now, I had a vision of how to meditate. I learned that you don’t need to get into a full lotus position. Thank goodness for that, I would never get back up.
So perhaps in your most comfortable chair, whether it be in your garden, balcony or in your sitting room. Take a deep breath let it out and try to relax your body as much as possible.
Feel your breath where it is most prominently. It could be your abdomen, diaphragm, or your nose. Focus your attention on wherever you can feel yourself breathing the most. Listen to yourself and relax keeping your eyes closed, even if you can’t see, you may relax more.
Try to be in a place that smells good too. If you are like me, I would be saying/telling myself, the dog beds need cleaning, or asking if my Son had left his breakfast frying pan unwashed again. Smile. For me a perfect place would be in a quiet garden next to roses and lily’s and a lemon tree, but hey, only the lucky ones have such environments.
You are supposed to meditate every day roughly at the same time, people say it helps them sleep, some do it first thing in the mornings, hmm. If I were to do that, I would fall asleep again as I was a night owl in my past obviously as I don’t sleep until the black birds start singing their morning hymns, then I can sleep forever.
Most people I know who meditate seem so much happier than those who don’t do it? I say give it a try for a week. I mean, it will give your body chance to recover, heal. I believe it has to do you good and remember to try to let go of negative energy, how dare that rule your life? If you can’t find it in your life to be positive, stay mutual and at least you can use the steppingstones to get across that river to your perfect place. Meditation is an eastern tool for western results.
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