Good afternoon Bloggets from a very windy England.
Gosh, I was preparing Teens lunch today and I got really afraid. There were sounds outside that I didn’t like. Not being able to see from a window can be daunting! I have seen myself in the past stare out of a window as if to look directly at whoever may have dared to break into my garden. Whatever made me think that I was looking directly at them? Goodness knows! I feel if I stare, they will think, oh we have been seen, let’s run? Haha. Well today, the sounds were really scary and I only wished that teen would hurry home.
I made him turkey pasta today with spinach and fresh tomatoes. Cheese on top with a green pepper sauce. Ridiculous really for a light lunch, but my Son doesn’t really do light lunches. In fact, he doesn’t do light anything. Hub kindly made a huge pot of Spaghetti Bolognese yesterday, and we put it in the fridge, so all sorted. For them. For me? Hmm. So out of four of us tonight, three have dinner. Food right now doesn’t really appeal to me at all. Give me a sandwich any time and I’m fine. Hot food? I have no taste for anything.
Gosh a bit of a roller coaster last night and today. Firstly, last night, Hub and I watched a great drama we love called, “Call the midwife.”” Oh my. After watching it, you need serious counselling.
Last night was all about adoption. The mother not wanting to hold her baby and then giving it away. I don’t think I will ever get over being adopted. For sure not the oven who gave birth to me. I turned to Hub and asked him, does he think she will think of me in the same way I do her? Every time something comes on TV about adoption, I’m there on my birth date as a new born, I feel the pain in my heart of rejection in the womb and rejection throughout life, even though my parents who adopted me, couldn’t have been more caring.
Is it best that the adopted child never finds out? Yes, I believe so but sadly that is an impossible task, as in this day and age, they will always find out. Even at school the feeling when my Son came home as an eight year old telling me he had to fill in this huge family tree sheet? Where to start? He had to do his Father’s side, then mine.
Of course, my Son knew I was adopted, why did I have to tell him? Because something came up like the family tree and school when he was just four. I knew little about his Father’s side and nothing really apart from the careers of my so-called parents. I also knew very little about my adopted parents tree because they were many many years older than me so not a lot of older people around to ask and learn. Also, I wondered just how far this tree research would lead? I didn’t want to tell my child any lies.
Visits to the Doctors and hospitals, always, is there any trace in your family? Well, I was born before all this information was available. Now thankfully children get all of their family medical history. I don’t know if there are cancers or heart problems in our family? And of course, this affects Teen and will do more as he gets older. I guess at least he has a bit of tree with the knowledge of his father and I know his father’s parents.
Hub has started to look up his family tree. We spoke about this and both of us think it’s not always a good thing. Things may get found out that may not be beneficial. I guess look forward, but it’s hard when my past hurts so much!
I was shocked as Hub asked how old the person who gave birth to me would be now, as I always think of her as a true beauty. But she will now be seventy. Gosh, really? And now she is older, will she care anymore? I asked Hub his thoughts to which he replied. Sadly, no. And I believe he is right. My siblings will now all be older and married with children too. I think the youngest will be about 36. A half-brother and a half sister who is older than him by a few years and on his, The so called Father, side, he had two daughters. All born after me. But it was me who had to go. In fact, he never saw me and she may have done by accident because she certainly didn’t want to see me or hold me. She gave me a name but only because she had to by law. How much did she think about the name for me or was it the first name she thought of? That wouldn’t surprise me at all. After all it did begin with the letter A.
I just wish people who had children would think about the future? Think about the child in the school play ground at school? Side effects are painful.
I was also reading a blog today that one of my Bloggets has been reading. It’s one about a relative who is gone out of my life now. How I was so badly betrayed by them? How I can never forgive them for what they have done and if they could do what they did, what is to stop them doing that again? Also, reading by again, default, an email that was written by a friend who I believed was a friend for life, gosh, nothing is for life. I realise that now. It took me 47 years to get there though.
A dark day for me not in a good place, but as ever I will bounce back. I just need a pill to wipe out all the past and welcome the future.
Shamrock came around last night, in her Pyjama’s. our kids are odd… Teen goes to hers in his PJ’s and she here in hers. I smiled as she told me about her Mum thinking it was odd too. As she is about two years older than me, I guess it’s just something we wouldn’t have done in our days? In the summer when it’s light in the evenings, what will our neighbours think? Hahaha. Seriously?
It’s a very different world now. Half ten last night Teen came downstairs and asked if we wanted a Pizza? We said no thanks and off he went in his car to pick up their supper. Everything now days is just there, on tap. Easy access!
Okay, I have some work to do. So, must dash. Just some words before I go?
“Sometimes to have nothing but the knowledge of being wanted, is better than being enriched with material objects. Its not the storms that kill you, but the agony of the lacking in ability to be able to control the sun!””
© Fiona Cummings
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