OK, not sure how long this blog will be right now. I don’t
know how it will come across either. So, where to begin? I guess at the start.
So today was the day of my interview. Last night I was a
mess. I so badly didn’t want to be a failure and let my Husband and Son down,
more so I didn’t want to let down those of you who have all been kindly routing
for me. Thank you all so much for your messages whether it be through social
media, messaging or emails texts or a phone call. Every word you said to
support me meant more than you will ever know.
In short, I was brought up being told that I would never accomplish
anything or achieve anything in life. And then at a very young age I married, I
was fed words that made me believe this.
For so many years, too many years I lived in the shadow of
pain and sufferance. I was a failure with a capital F. I met my now Husband who
began to try to heal a very broken soul. And still to this day it’s a battle
and I can tell you I don’t just dislike myself, I hate myself, but I love
others and I want people to read my blog and know what I have been through in
life and be able to say. “If Fiona can do that, maybe I can?””
I want to lead the way for those who have nothing now but
can find things along the way. And open doors for those who have had doors
slammed in their face. I want those doors to not only be opened for us, but for
us to open the doors and have someone keep them open for us to come and go.
In a sighted world I want those without sight or with very
little to walk alongside those who can see who have never had challenges in
their life to do normal things that sighted do every day.
So I am positive that I won’t get this job, but I can tell
you that I went for it, I filled in the vast amount of forms that were to be
done and sent in as the initial application form and even to do that was a
risk. Why a risk? Because I didn’t have a clue how to do this and had no help,
but this was my baby and I had to bring it up and nurture it. If I didn’t get
an interview because of my poor application, then so be it it was my mistake at
least I made that leap of change and did something totally out of my own
comfort zone, a place I don’t frequent often but when I do, each time I do, I
do it for the voices that are silent. I test the water for us.
I’m not a super blind person far from it, but I am human. I
have feelings doubts and fears. Years ago no way I would have applied for such
a job. Well forms in and the waiting game began.
I was shocked and kept thinking a mistake had been made as I
was told I had an interview.
Why me? How? what did I do?
I had to think it was the way in which I wrote my passionate
appeal my appeal to whoever would read this and decide who would get the role.
I kept thinking any day I would get a call to say it had
been a mistake and I hadn’t been chosen for an interview.
But the day didn’t come and today did. Today, the day of the
interview.
I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was this was huge
for me. Who am I? how dare I?
It was then I had to tell myself off and say that I know I
can do this job. Question is, do the people who interviewed me? Personally if I
was to say before the interview what my chances were, I would say zero. My
writing skills are good as far as getting a point across and I can stand up in
a huge room and give a talk without any difficulty, but as far as an interview?
What would they ask and what else may happen in the interview? Sometimes they
do role play, so if this was to happen, how would I handle it?
This is a rather high position and from going from not
working to such a role, most people would find the job role too much of a huge
leap. Personally, right now I feel like I am standing at the top of the ladder
and I’m not falling off. But someone could come along who speaks more eloquently
than me and knock me off?
So I fall, I I go no further in this job application. And? I’m
still alive and thankfully I’m not relying on the money the job offers though
the extra finances would go towards paying for things like someone to come with
me to Christmas shop. As people who can’t see, to walk into a huge shop and
head towards a particular item is a challenge. Someone to explain colours of
clothing and so on. We could pay for so much more that would help us to make our
lives easier. But moreover, I could get up in the mornings and have a purpose
in life. I would meet lots of people and have challenges to fight for with
regards others. I could come home and know that I have helped to change the
minds of those who had spent a life time being stubborn. And go to bed feeling
satisfied. I would know that because of what I can do, I would be able to sleep
knowing that I have achieved something in life. I had helped to give life to
someone.
But this is my heart and I don’t have past job experience to
give for examples. So getting ready for my interview today, what did I expect?
What did I hope to gain from the interview?
If not a result, at least to come home and know that I had
done my best and even if I don’t get the job, I have done my first interview.
Something never ever would I have done some years ago. And as long as the best
person gets the job, as long as they pick someone who will make a difference,
then I will still be happy.
I had to gather my passport and other official documents and
other paper work I needed for the office.
I had planned in my head what to wear. Even that getting
ready for someone who can’t see isn’t easy.
What do people wear for interviews now days? How do people
wear their hair? Even how do people walk into a room? We don’t see these normal
everyday things so how do we know what looks normal?
Normal, gosh, how do I do normal, what even is normal?
I showered, dried my hair.
Put on my robe and went downstairs. Took all my pain killers as didn’t
want to look a right one as I hobbled into the office. Ate some food, drank tea
and ran back upstairs. Brushed my teeth and put on my makeup.
How not to look like a clown?
Try to remember what goes on first? Which bottles are what,
square shaped pallets all look the same to me. Powder? Blush? Glow? Luckelly I
know what everything is now but still it’s not just something that I take or do
with a pinch of salt, or pinch of powder. Smile. I have to really think! For those
who are sighted, imagine doing this without having the luxury of a mirror? And
when it is done, what the heck do I look like? Who knows?
Well my text beeped and it read my taxi had arrived. Just as
my friends bless them started to write to me saying they were thinking of me.
God love you all.
Oh, I was shaking. It would be so easy to say no. stop. I’m
not going. Something pushed me and I walked forward. Oh who would the driver
be? We have a few who come and most of them are lovely but there is one who is
a little scary.
The guy wasn’t a usual but someone who used to pick up Hub a
lot so I did know him. Thank goodness it wasn’t who we thought it was going to
be?
I got into the car. Gosh, clinging onto my envelope with all
of my paper work in. Really professional looking, right?
Em. No.
The guy looked at me as we were driving off. His head turned
to me and I thought, put your blooming eyes on the road? Heck, I have not
rubbed my blusher in properly? Haha. Gosh, do I have dog hair on my jacket?
Little Fella’s hair gets everywhere.
I turned and looked at him he read my mind, I wanted to know
what he was looking at? He told me I looked nice and I was grateful that was
the case. So because I know him well. I said OK, well get your eyes on the
blooming road. We both laughed and that broke the ice. From then on I was put
at rest. The hour journey went so fast, why? Not sure.
My butterflies stopped flapping around and fell asleep. We
pulled up and suddenly the butterflies woke up and began to dance.
Heck, are those people who were to interview me looking out
from the window?
One of the lovely girls from the office opened the door and
in I went. Oh gosh… My legs were shaking. Julie who I go with to give talks met
me too and I can tell you I wanted that job even more as the staff there are so
lovely. One of the managers came to speak with me and he is so calm and caring
that they totally put my mind at rest. After fifteen minutes, a man came out
and introduced himself to me. We walked into the smaller office and a lady was
sitting there who I used to volunteer for about ten months ago, so I knew her.
She was lovely the two of them weren’t at all condescending this was what I was
afraid of.
I had stopped shaking and was ready to give my heart and soul
into the interview, all last night I wondered who I should be, who I should replica?
Answer, no one, I was myself. If they didn’t like me then I am not the one for
the job. I have no experience and only life to put on the table. I imagine that
they will want someone who has managerial skills and I don’t, but I do have
passion and determination.
Then the questions began and everything else that came with
the interview.
I can’t say too much as there are still people to be
interviewed, today is just day one. I did ask when I would hear and the answer
was next week. That alone told me straight away that I have no chance in being
offered the role because I’m sure that they will know by Wednesday or latest
Thursday who they want, they will call them and sort out the people who were
not successful next week. So the interview was over, and it wasn’t the full
time I was told it would be either, again another sign would you say But as I left the office and went into the big
office, the girls again were so lovely. They made me a cup of tea and I chatted
with them until my taxi came.
I got home and now I feel awful. I was shaking when I returned
and now I’m just so tired and shivering inside. I’m in a state of shock. The
best I can do now is forget about it but hold it in my heart for a memory. A
memory of doing something so far out of my comfort zone and memory of how
lovely the staff there were to me. Like protective sisters. The manager was so
beautiful, a huge warm heart. So caring I hope I have not let anyone down today
especially you all. And I hope someone will get chosen for the job who will
fight for those who have questions and need issues resolved.
My outfit for the interview isn’t even hung up. It’s on my
bed. I don’t want to face it right now.
Dinner tonight? Heck I don’t fancy my chances of it getting
made for me.
I told the girls in the office that I was coming home to
iron. Well that hasn’t been done. I feel in shock. It’s crazy. And I feel sad because
I want to work so badly I want to be normal you know? Just a part of life, the
living. I want to be the voice for others and I know I can help to make change
with my blogs to spread awareness, but I also know I can do more.
So next week I shall let you know how I got on. It’s over
now and I’m back home!
