We have passed the pumpkin hour in the UK. I’m sitting in my
favourite chair next to the window. I have a lamp on. Why I can’t see? Well my
dog can, though she is snoring in her bed. But she may wake up. But if I go to bed,
I don’t leave a light on and she is OK? Alright, I’m a scaredy cat as apart
from me and Waggatail, there is no one or nothing in the house. Well nothing
that is making itself known to me and I would like to leave it that way thank
you…
My beautiful Son is at his girlfriend’s house, only a scream
away… haha. My dog took her last pollution for the night at 9 pm. Last time I was
on my own she asked to go to the toilet at twenty to two in the morning as that
was when the lid of my lap top closed. As my fingers were typing but my mind
wasn’t connecting with them. Some would say what’s new??? Cheeky…
My eyes had been closed for ages, at least three paragraphs.
As I stumbled towards the kitchen to put my empty cup of what was tea in the
kitchen, my dog rather enthusiastically raced towards the kitchen door. Oh, no,
Waggs, really? Did she think it was morning already? I guess it was, but not
that late in the morning she was at least five hours too early. I kind of
looked in her direction, as that is what I do still, I even look towards our
TV. When it’s turned on of course… one night a few weeks ago, my neck was
hurting I had been looking towards the TV for so long. I suddenly thought, Fifi,
you numpty, why don’t you put your head where it’s more comfortable? You don’t
need to look at the screen. Wanna know the best bit? We don’t even bother
putting on our screen. We can make it so the TV sound is on without the picture…..
Tell you what, the tube on our TV will last.
Just thought, it’s been ages since our Son watched TV with
us, he sadly doesn’t any longer, for all I know, our TV may have had no picture
for months. Hahahaha.
Anyway, I digress again. Where was I? oh, yes, my darling
guide dog wanting the loo at silly hour during the night. I couldn’t refuse
her. What if she really was desperate? I was sure she wasn’t she just wanted to
forage what was edible in the garden, once a Labrador, always a Labrador!
Well it was rather funny. I put every light on the way to
the kitchen door just to let the baddies lurking in the bushes know I needed a
light to see and the rumours about the blind woman in number 41, wasn’t true.
Then as we both Waggs and I, went through the conservatory and unlocked that
door too, I stood looking left and right as if I could see again, just to let
the baddies know I was watching them and then obviously I was so rock hard I saw
them and still went outside. I’m so hard…
Well few, Waggs did what she needed to do, she thankfully
came right in I think she got a shock how dark it was. We quickly locked the
door, well, I did, Waggs is clever, but not that clever…. Door locking isn’t
her forte!
OK, now onto a blog I have been asked to write about. In my
last blog, I told you my mind does wonder… But in the end, I will get to the
point, now, what was the point? Oh, yes. Deep thoughts alert coming up now.
My future. How do I see my future? I really hope a heck of a
lot better than my past. Though my past has been so very different to anyone
else I know. For bad reasons and unique reasons. Hence why one day I really hope
to write my autobiography.
Sitting here in silence. No moving cars decorate our avenue
of assorts and voices from our lovely neighbours will wait for some more hours.
The only voices I hear are the ones in my head. Haha. Seriously, you think I’m
joking? Nope! The outer voices I hear is one voice actually. It’s coming from
the software on my lap top each letter I write to you, a mans voice reads it
out to me. It’s an unassuming voice that I really like. If I was to listen to a
talking book, I don’t like human voices. This makes me very different to most
people who are blind and use talking books. Because I am so interested in psychology,
I try too hard to Annalise a voice turning it into a real person before me. What
is she wearing, what perfume does she like, is she kind? Does she have
children? Is he happy? Has he murdered… is he religious? Where as with the
voice I have on my lap top, I don’t get into a character of a person, it’s too
robotic and I love it. It means I can concentrate on what I am writing about.
Now, what was I saying???
I go to bed most nights, not tonight, with eyes that don’t
see. I wake up really honestly believing that just as fast as I went blind, I will
regain my vision. How weird is that? I don’t know of any people who have gone
blind who think like that. Do you? Are you one of those people? If so please
let me know.
So, the birds sing, my alarm is beeping or playing an annoying
little tune. Time to get up just as I was falling asleep.
It must be sunny as I can feel the heat on my face. But can I
see it? Dare I open my eyes?
No. as I sit up slowly with such anticipation, I can’t see. But
hey, wait, I will go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. By the time I get
there, my eyes my new eyes, will have adjusted and I will see.
Slowly I open them properly looking into the invisible glass
before me. My heart has stopped. How will I cope seeing my face for the first
time in 21 years? I can’t scream. I may shock my sight into blindness again. I can’t
jump with shock that I have aged so much that it’s not me in the mirror but a
total stranger. A ghost? Someone standing behind me? Where will my face be?
I’m too scared to open my eyes. I feel it, I sware I do. I really
believe that it’s all been a nightmare and I have been in some kind of illusion
for over 20 years. I can’t stand there forever; I have to look. Here goes. Bang.
My heart sinks to my stomach. A lump welcome itself in my throat that is so big
if I open my mouth it will drop out.
I stand just to make sure I really can’t see. I’m in shock
almost every single morning.
So, how will my future look? Will I ever get sight? I believe
I will, though the older I get, the more I fear I will be too late for the
train. My transport is running away down the tracks.
But because I can see the train in my minds eye, rather than
just hear it, I know again, that one day I will, see. Even if it is not much,
what is not much? Sunshine would be nice. The colour blue, my favourite colour.
Even a tiny bit of my Sons face. His beautiful smile people talk about. His honest
eyes. My beautiful Husband. One day, I want to be there to help him. I want to
take him on holiday and walk hand in hand along a golden beach. Just the two of
us. To be free. Free without worries.
One day, I really really need to see. People say I’m strong.
Well for what I have been through means I am strong. Though strength isn’t
something I have ever felt. But to go through my past and live to my now, I have
to have the strength to wait for my future, and my future? What will that be
like?
I hope the people I love in my life will still be here and I
hope the people I have not yet met will be in my life and I can have one happy
family. I hope I have grand children free of Retinitis Pigmentosa. I hope my
house is full of laughter, such joy and my past is locked away in that bulging
box inside of my brain. If only I could start again and pour the contents from
that box out through my ears. But we are full of if only. when we need to be
grateful for what we have now and moreover, what we can have in our future!
© Fiona Cummings
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