It’s beautiful outside. Walking today with my Waggatail I
just wished I wasn’t among the pollution of life. Today was easy to step out as
I received a pill of love and support from a dear Blogget from South Africa. He
sent me such words that I will treasure forever and coming from him such an
acclaimed person filled me with help I needed!
Our neighbours are all out in their gardens. The ones off
work either taking holidays or retired. Digging cutting grass and so on. I
joked with one this morning as he told me he was putting holes in the grass.
“So, the rain and snow can get through and not flood?”” He laughed and agreed
as we have been told that snow is going to make a recurrence.
I tried to make an appointment for my Son to see the Doctor
but it was going to be 16 days. Oh, my goodness. Isn’t that ridiculous? He’s
had a really horrid cough for six weeks now and it’s not getting better.
Our besties are coming to spend the day with us tomorrow.
Hub is doing the cooking. He’s making home made bread too, so, it will be up to
me to serve and smile. Hahaha. It will be a lovely day though.
I have been asked or said to this week some similar thing at
least three times it’s odd that the same thing has been said as many times in
such a short time. So, I shall try to answer by writing rather than talking to
them and hopefully will be able to get across in a clearer way!
“What is it like being blind?”” And. “I, can’t imagine what
it’s like being blind!””
Firstly, I used to imagine what it was like being blind, as
I, had that threat since the age of four. It terrified me so much I couldn’t
sleep from childhood. I, used to be so afraid of the dark and ghosts. As they
only come out at night time, right? I learned that no, they come out day time
as well!
I didn’t like having black all around me. I used to put my
fingers over my eyes but still I saw shadows and colours of reds and orange’s.
still dark red I even closed my eyes so tight covering them with my hands that
I started to see floating white lights. So, in other words, I was never really
blind as a child, there was no practice, no dress rehearsal, so when the big
day happened when I was thirty, my hell became reality.
I, can’t lie, waking up blind was 100 times scarier than
what it was previous in my head. The world left me and I was so alone! I,
shivered inside and out. I couldn’t cry. But it didn’t stop me from making
sounds of pain and hysterical screeches. Fearful isn’t even a word that can
describe how I felt. I wish as a writer I had the words to tell you just what
went through my mind, soul and body at that time, But I, don’t. All I can say
is it was the worse time of my life. Worse than finding out I was adopted,
worse than boarding school and that was lifechanging. Worse than my very first
trauma in Russia when I was six and worse than what happened to me when I was
still a teenager that I have never written about but will do when I write my
autobiography and even worse than losing my parents who I worshiped so close to
each other in time. It was grief beyond hell, murder and agony!
I, had to start my life again. I had no teachers at the
beginning of my new life living in the sighted world as a blind person. No
lessons to go to. No internet then or books I could read. I didn’t read Braille
and couldn’t read print. Doctors were then my enemy because of my travels to
the USSR. My only crutch to lean on, was
my baby. He was totally oblivious of what was happening to his Mum thank
goodness. Already he had adapted to having a Mum with sight loss, it just took
me some time to realise that. As a tiny baby he adjusted faster than I had.
I will skip by the pains of opening my eyes each morning and
still seeing nothing. Turning to look at my child’s face but then the kick to
the stomach, no longer I could do that anymore. Those of you who are sighted,
look to your child, no matter how old they are and appreciate the fact you can
see their smile and joy in their eyes.
It’s taken me twenty years to learn to adapt to the world of
no vision, but it’s no easier today than it was twenty years ago, only I’m not
as afraid now. I have learned to do so much thankfully and I’m learning from my
Husband who is also blind and my friends who also have no sight.
When I went blind my ex Husband was sighted and old Bloggets
will know weeks after I went blind my parents died, so I had no one. I didn’t
want to join groups where by people told me I could do anything sighted people
could do. I hated those people. To me they were patronising. Lacking in
understanding, though I am sure they thought they were doing their best. But
they weren’t. I was grieving but the only person who died right at the
beginning, was me. Though I still was walking around and breathing, though
breathing was difficult for me. Shallow, shaking and short!
I, go through stages now days when I’m simply bored of
blindness. It’s a colourless life. there are no shapes, shadows or smiles.
Friendly faces or flowers in summer time. Golden leaves in Autumn, snowflakes
and snowdrops or robins in winter and little lolloping lambs in Springtime! Not
through the windows of my eyes anyway. But today I, have hope something I
didn’t have ten years ago. But hope is taking so long. Where will I be in ten years’
time? Will I be seeing the words I’m writing on my lap top? Will I have had the
honour of seeing my unborn so far grandchildren? Will I be able to shop for
clothes I want, rather than what they sound like on line or what I’m told to
feel and buy? Browsing the shops, something I know all of my friends who are
blind dream of doing.
Let’s see where we all are in ten years’ time. For those of
you who are losing your sight, for those of you who don’t believe you ever will
and for those of you who are perfectly sighted, let’s all have hope. Technology
now days has moved on so every day life is better, but I will gladly forget
tech to be able to see a garden full of butterflies, birds, colourful bushes
and blooms.
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