A POEM SENT TO ME

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

Author ~ Missing You poem By Colleen Fitzsimmons/ In memory of Shadow 

TUESDAYS DIARY THE HILL

 Good afternoon my dear Bloggets. I have just had a really lovely lady from Guide Dogs visit me. Oh what a heart of gold she has. She is our new GDI. So I’m delighted about that. She is warm and so kind. We took my little Waggatail on a walk. As Waggs isn’t feeling too good. Well, until she went for a walk. Oh but first I had to work her. Waggs that is, not my GDI. Smile.

 

Waggs ran the field and I hope it will make her feel happier. She has aged my Son said since the loss of LC.

 

 GDI just left and Waggs crying back in bed. But at least I know she is a little tired and I’m seeing my friend next week so hopefully Waggs will get out again. My Son has been taking her out, but I know she doesn’t get free runs with him, he goes to his friends and the girlfriend of the boy loves Waggs so she gets out and new attention, but to run free? I love to see that.

 

I do have some great news though my Husband is hoping to name a pup. This is when you raise £2500 for Guide Dogs and donations go to naming your puppy. Of course the little angel will be called Suki. Our girls name will live on. It’s something Hub wants to do and anything to get him over this hill is a bonus. Now. What to do to raise the money? Hmm.

 

He can sing my Hub. So I think he is going to do that and his friend from school, is amazing on the keyboard. So that will get some money, as for the rest? Oh my. I’m not sure how? I don’t have any talent I can offer. I love to sing but wouldn’t dare in public. When a child yes, as I could sing well, that was then, now? No. Someone would think their car alarm had gone off.

 

So, any ideas how to raise that amount of money? Heck. Pressure. I could write poems I guess and donate money that way. Or have coffee mornings? But does that involve baking cake? Oh heck. Do chocolate crispies count?

 

It’s sunny today and even warm. So different to yesterday when we had to have our heating on and it was pouring with rain.

 

Teen at work bless him. He is putting in the hours. He so badly wants a new car. Well new as in newer. I wish I could win the lotto.

 

So, for the past few days you have all been there for me. Thank you so much. I just spoke to Hub he’s at work for the first time. He sounds shattered. But I asked him out of ten, how he is feeling, ten being the happiest. He is on four. That is fantastic. He was a big fat zero before. So he is over the worst. Of course there will be times when we are still in so much pain. When we stop and think about our Suki /LC when he comes home tonight without her. That will be so difficult. It was the way she was torn from us. Too early too much to take in as she was working so well just days before she died. So we are in shock. But today would be the most difficult. I’m so grateful to you all who have put up with my tears and some would say negativity over the past four days. But I would say grief pure grief. And you know I say it like it is on here.  For those who don’t have ways to write their feelings down, to read what I write lets them know they are not alone. How people have took time out though to write words of support understanding and kindness. How people have even offered to help. You know what it’s like though, we don’t like to ask for help, but at least because of the kindness and offering we know in emergency there is help out there. That was the panic when we lost LC, how we would manage. And still there will be days when we need to get out, or want to get out and we won’t ask unless it’s urgent. And that will be tough. Those days are ahead and we will need so badly our LC. But right now, I really hope that there is another world. And a much better world than here but where we and all of you who are so kind will end up.  

 

So at least once a month, we will be able to get out. Until Hub gets another Guide dog. But there is a list; he could be waiting up to two years. Please God no? For the past three days now I have been seeing a dog in what I call my premonitions. I told Hub and he then said that it won’t be his, as he isn’t going on the list. He can’t bear the thought of holding the harness of a dog that isn’t our Suki’s. I told him he had no choice. He had to have a dog. My Hub isn’t me. He is independent. Staying in the house will kill him. Well, he is looking ahead more now, and I pray he will find the strength to get another little pal. The dog I am seeing is a boy and fluffy with pointy ears he is a German Shepard. Black and tan. Smallish. Let’s see. I think as long as it works well, he will have any kind, girl or boy

 

Oh my word. Our very kind neighbour is cutting our grass at the front. Gosh I feel so bad it only takes him two minutes, but why does he do it? He is so kind, we are lucky. Just need the back sorted and we will be fine, well, my man who did the drive and fencing, said he would come this week. I asked when? Perfectly good question, right? He said sometime this week. Well, firstly, I need notice to get some money somehow, my local shop I can only get £50 out at a time, so I will have to go twice probably. So if he thinks he can just turn up and expect to be paid? My Sister in law said she would come to do it, but I hope by the time she gets here, it’s been done. As she is fifteen years older than me so I feel so bad that she is doing it, and if he comes, she and I can have a sister day clothes shopping. I haven’t bought clothes from a shop for so long. I have ordered them on line so never know what the heck they are till they come, apart from knowing the colour, well, sometimes, they write on description multi, multi what?

 Black white and grey, red blue and yellow? Know what I mean? I really hate clothes shopping online as we can’t feel the material. I order never send back. As it’s too visual to do that and our post office is miles away.

 

OK I’m trying not to write too much, as my brain still isn’t what it was. I don’t know how Hub is doing his job today? I know he was meant to be doing budgets. Hopefully for his sake it’s been postponed as he is in no state to have this huge responsibility. Tomorrow I’m sure he will be thinking more clearly. I hope I will? I have some interviews to do this week. I’m behind in my work

 

Oh heck. Teen just came in from work. He’s on a food break. Oh my. He’s not in the best of moods. Woo’oo’oosh

He’s gone now. Kitchen cupboards less bulging.

 

Laters with love. X

KEEPING FAITH?

This is a part of something I was sent by a Vicar. I thanked him for taking time out but asked him how he finds so much faith when good people get hurt so badly and bad people seem to get away with the agony? I today can’t breathe properly. I’m burning inside. I still feel like my bones and organs are smashed. Down my left side, it’s as though a cricket bat is inside of me. It is a foreign being and doesn’t fit. It’s hurting as it’s too big. The handle is pushing right through my heart. The bottom of the bat is digging down into the left side of my stomach. When I breathe I have a cramp. My joints are aching. Why put me through this, My Husband has just left for work. He took back a full bag of his dog food. A dog in training in the office eats that make of food. Just stupid things like that.  Carrying his dog food for the last time. Not yet I have been able to remove her huge square plastic food box from our house to the garage. I should empty what’s in as not much and wash it and put it away. I can’t an yet each time I go to feed my little Waggatail, I see it. I just want to feed our Suki. Just one more time please?

 

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere downs the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

 

“Lucky? Scars? No, nonononononono please this isn’t luck. But the words are very true about the waves. Trouble is, if you can’t swim, how do you cope? How does anyone keep the faith? How? If a huge fist in front of you keeps punching your face, would you go back for more?

 

MONDAYS DIARY

Good evening Bloggets of mine. Will I press the publish button? I have written things over and over again. Then went to publish and pressed the cancel button. Or delete. My head is all over the place. It’s Monday evening. The forth night without our girl and I can tell you it’s not any better. Nor is it easier. I’m not going to write a long depressing blog as there is no need. I have said what I need to say, to express my feelings and my Husbands. Hopefully by doing this, I will have been able to reach out to someone who is going through the same.

 

I remember when I lost my Mum; I was in so much shock. I kept phoning people and asking

“Do you have a pain in your stomach? Did you have when you’re Mum/Dad died?”

 

No one understood me. I swear I thought I was dying. I was young and hadn’t experienced such grief. I was still grieving over my Dad who died less than six months earlier. This was a double whammy. As is it is for our beautiful guide dog LC. A year after my BB. And the shock of it all is just too much to take in.

 

But we are still here, though feeling like we have been in a car crash. My body aches. It’s as though everything is broken inside of me. We could fill the neighbour’s wheelie bins with tears we have cried.  There was one point when we didn’t think it possible for us to be OK at the end of this. As for now? Well today Hub worked from home. His brain is starting to work better now. Though he feels no better. He sorted out things that he just can’t do in front of his staff at work things that would make him upset.

 

Tomorrow is the big day when he returns. For me I’m meeting two ladies from Guide dogs. We are to have a meeting so that will fill in some time.  I just hope by tomorrow my brain will be working, as now, it’s really not. I can’t plan or think streight. My face feels frozen. How I’m going to be cheerful tomorrow, is no one’s business I mean, how? But I have never been the kind of person who can just show my feelings. Write them, yes.

 

You have all been so kind. So caring taking time out to write to me either email, groups I’m in or phone. Thank you so much.

 

It’s the speed of things that have shocked us. From what we thought was a healthy dog to gone.

 

Hubs colleagues have been so kind. I just hope tomorrow he won’t break down and can paint on his fake laughter but I pray worrying about him won’t eat my insides any more than they are already eaten away.

 

So what has been happening in your world the past few days? I hope you are all OK?

 Teen’s car needs more work on it but he has no money and we have lent him already so bless him he said he doesn’t want anymore. Few?

 

He is doing so well at work.

 

As for little Waggs? She’s a sad pup who has moments of madness just like the old little thing that she was before the death of LC.  Then it’s as though she remembers and gets all morose

It’s rained all day today. Its cold now too we have the heating on.

It’s dark now, at five past seven its sunset in the UK

 

Hub just poured me a drink. Its something our dear friends brought us. It has mint in it. That’s all I’m saying. Smile.

 

I will be back with I hope lots more news tomorrow. But for now, just to say thank you and you all mean so much to me. With love always.

 

 

WHAT IF THIS WAS YOU?

Doing your weekly shop at Sainsbury’s can raise a 4% donation back to Guide Dogs at no extra cost to you!

 

We’ve teamed up with Sainsburys, in association with Give As You Live, to offer supporters the opportunity to raise a massive 4% for Guide Dogs when you shop in store at Sainsburys using an Everyday Shopping Card.

In December 2014, following a staff vote, NFU Mutual began a one year charity partnership with Guide Dogs. NFU Mutual aim to raise £125,000 in 2015, funding the lifetime cost of a guide dog as well as the first year’s training of several guide dog puppies.

 

At the start of this year, NFU Mutual staff chose to name their guide dog puppy Henson, and have already raised over £50,000 which is a tremendous achievement, enough to fund future life changer Henson until he retires!

Have you heard about the Guide Dogs Personal Credit Card? As our only official credit card, it has been carefully designed to promote Guide Dogs and provide great value with attractive rates and benefits to supporters.

You will not only receive an attractive rate, but you’ll also benefit from our free 24-hour customer service, secure online card services and no annual fee. Representative 16.9% APR (variable).

 

2015 Guide Dogs' Annual Awards - Wednesday 9th December at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane, London

The 2015 Annual Awards are back and this year promises to be another glitzy evening celebrating the achievements of our dedicated guide dogs, their inspirational owners and all of the wonderful supporters who help ensure Guide Dogs can continue to provide a world-class service.

 

This year’s theme is ‘Big Band’, a 1920’s inspired evening with a fantastic line up of entertainment and up to 650 attendees, including confirmed sponsors Specsavers and Inchcape.

 

This is a fantastic way to celebrate the festive period with friends, staff or clients, with tables for 10 people starting at £2,200. Included in your package is a champagne reception, delicious three course meal with wine followed by entertainment, live music and fundraising fun as well as an opportunity to rub shoulders with celebrities and meet our world famous puppies on the red carpet!

 

There are a number of ways to get involved with the event and show your support to Guide Dogs, for both individuals and companies, either by attending or sponsoring the event, or donating a prize for the evening’s auction.

 

If you would like to discuss your involvement, or for more information, please contact Aimie Edwards, Business Development Manager: Aimie.edwards@guidedogs.org.uk or call 0118 983 8271.

 

Taking part in a blindfold challenge at work is not only a great way to raise money for Guide Dogs; it also allows you a glimpse into what it is like to have a visual impairment.

 

Blindfold challenges are also a great way to bring teams together, creating a fun, challenging and inspirational session for all.

 

So why not organise a memorable team building event and raise money for Guide Dogs!

 

When lots of fun is written about and fund raising is the buzz word, well please remember that our wonderful Guide dogs cost £50,000 in their life time and Guide Dogs  receive no money from the Government so totally rely on your help. Guide Dogs are far from a rich charity. Believe me. I know how much our local team work to raise money and the work that goes into what they do. But without you, this wouldn’t be possible.

 

My neighbour asked me when she learned of our devastating news of the loss of my Husbands guide dog,

“Will you buy another?” Sadly we don’t have that amount of money, and even if we did, you can’t buy them like your weekly shopping. There is so much training that goes into what those wonderful animals do for us. From six weeks they are taught the basics by   extraordinary  puppy walkers who are volunteers and without them, we would not be able to receive these gifts which are essential.

 

Imagine life without your glasses for one moment? Whether you wear them for reading, long distance in your car, whatever. Put yourself in that situation where by you want to read your mail but you can’t have your glasses? You are driving you need your driving glasses, where are they? There not there. They have been taken from you. What would you do? How would you feel?

 

You play golf with your work colleagues; you have planned this day for weeks. Really looking forward to it.  The day has arrived. Your alarm goes off. It was forecast to be a bright sunny day. You open your eyes. There is no sun. You struggle to go to turn on your light as your alarm must have been set for through the night, as it’s so dark. Turn on the switch.

The light doesn’t work.

Go to your window, open your curtains, no sun.

 

Your alarm has gone off at the right time, but sadly, no golf today,

You are one of the 100 people in the UK who have gone blind. As one hundred people in the UK alone, each day goes blind.

You are one day from preparing your child’s big birthday party. All the food to get ready, balloons to blow up, party bags to organise and you have to go to the shops for all the little treats you need.

You can’t. You’re blind.

 

You are taking your exam this day. So much writing reading to do.

You can’t.

Why? I think you know the answer.

 

Please help Guide Dogs, as it’s not a hobby it’s a lifestyle. Please don’t think you are unable to do anything. If you work. You could raise money with the blind fold challenge or how about raising money to name a pup? Call your local Guide Dog branch and ask how you can do this? Please from a cake stall to a banquet. From your golfing event, to a coffee morning. You’re local Guides Scouts W.I or if you really are able, and you have any money you can donate oh you have no idea how you will help. Your kindness helps blindness.

Checkout this for Christmas?

Dogalogue catalogue

  

 

THE MOST DIFFICULT DIARY I HAVE EVER WRITTEN

Tuesday morning, our big girl LC, A.K.A Suki, was playing, jumping like a crazy gal and barking growling at little Waggatail I asked her to get Waggs for me as she wouldn’t come in from the garden, LC understood this it was a game for her, and I used to play and have only played it for two weeks. Teen and Hub used to laugh as they heard me say. “Suki, go on and fetch Wagga?”  Suki would come to my side, and run in the garden, woof once and Waggs would run in. I loved it it was almost human.

 

Tuesday afternoon, Suki, put her head on my knee. I had just let her out so I knew it wasn’t that. Looking back now, she was in pain. She went to bed her Daddy came in from his time at the farm, where he was with his colleagues. I at that time was at the shop, I came in he said that he was worried about LC; he thought she was sulking as he didn’t take her because he wasn’t allowed to as it was a working farm.

 

Well, Tuesday evening she wasn’t well. Just lying around. Wednesday he left her with me. Thursday he took her to work as she picked up a little. He said she was walking around the office, as though looking back; she was saying bye bye to everyone. As when she came home on Thursday, she ignored Little Wagga and went to bed. Waggs was as disappointed as she loved her big sister coming home as they used to play and go crazy.

 

Oh that evening, it was hell. She was breathing badly and sleeping the worst thing she didn’t want her dinner.

 

Hub showed her the harness next day. Normally she would run to him and almost jump in it. Well, she wouldn’t get out of bed.

 

Hub took her to the vet near his office as that is a big vet with all of the equipment.

 

Within three hours. Our little girl was put to sleep.

 

Last Saturday, she was all around the town she was amazing as ever. Nothing bothered her. Nothing fazed her. She was our super hero.

 

Two and a half days of showing us she was ill and then gone.

 

I phoned the office to ask how she was before I learned of her death. A lady answered and told me Hub was coming home. Oh my God. I didn’t want to be on this earth at that point.

 A lovely lady who works with Hub, who to be honest has been amazing for us this year, as she took Waggs when we went on holiday and I knew she was in great hands with her, and she took Hub to the vet and now all the way home?

 

Hub had handed over LC’s harness to a colleague in the office. Knowing he would never need it again.

 

He said it was the most painful thing that he has ever had to do. He felt like he had his left arm cut off.

 

Our Guide dogs are part of us. We have a bond with them like nothing else on earth. They are our freedom and our eyes. They are not just a pet. They are us. Part of us. Hub walked through the door. I had two cups of tea ready but his colleague didn’t come in bless her. She had the long drive home.

 

I just held him and together we broke.

 

Well, I was so angry. Why couldn’t the vets save her? She had a tumour attached to her heart and it looked like it was attached  to her lungs too.

 

She was only nine 16 days before. 16 days before also was a year, on LC’s birthday, that we had to say goodbye to my Hannah A.K.A Black beauty

 

Our Suki, / LC, didn’t even reach retirement. What a cruel world we live in. She worked all of her life for us and I say us because without her, I would never ever have been able to get to the places we needed not the places we wanted to go to, but needed to. I used my white cane and our darling LC was the light that Shon for us to see our way.

 

Oh my word. Who now would do that? How will we cope? And Hub was just saying that he wanted to visit the Cathedral this Christmas and do all the Christmas music. Well, that idea is out of the window now.

 

He was to raise money for Guide Dogs at our train station near Christmas. Now with what dog? He is to do a speech in our city in a couple of weeks. Talking about Guide Dogs. He has asked me to do it for him.

It’s the character that I miss. The long swooshing tail. The long face with those enormous eyes. When Hub used to go abroad, she stayed with me. I was protected with her as no one could come to the house without her barking. She was funny, she would put her head on my leg and together we would walk around our house. It was like “I’m looking out for you Mummy. She never did it with Hub. Only me, as if I don’t know my way around my own house? But I let her do it. In her little way, she was helping me. Her head never left my leg until I said it’s OK.

 

If we were coming too close to a wall, she would push with her head me to the side.

 

Our house feels so empty. The walls are further away. The ceiling is higher and the floor is not so solid. What scares me more is how on earth are we going to cope? How will Hub get over this? He has cried all Friday and during the night, he tossed and turned.  Then after four this morning I must have fell asleep. I woke up not long after that and he wasn’t in his bed. I honestly thought that he had done something to himself. The state he was in. I jumped up; put on my dressing gown ran down stairs shouting his name.

He silently stood in the kitchen. Just still. Just so numb.

 

I put my arms around him and he sobbed. Saying “I want my little girl back Fiona. I need my little girl.”

 

Oh what to say? How to make him feel better? I’m also in so much agony. The pain in my throat is like someone is cutting it. The pain in my heart is as if it’s bruised. As for my stomach? It’s burning. My eyes are so saw like a razor has cut them and each time I close my lids, it’s like salt is being rubbed into the cuts. They are burning. They feel like they are being pulled out or squeezed from the sockets.

 

I’m angry. So angry. I’m grieving but what my love is going through is ten times worse. How on earth will he cope with going back to work?  A place he uses to take LC and have her bed under his desk? Knowing that his baby was there all day? She was the office heart and everyone loved her. My loving mad Aunt G told me today she has cried so much. My friend Vivi didn’t sleep last night and today went for her shopping but came back with only half. Her mind wasn’t on the job. She adored Suki, our Long Chops. Our friend Mr. Clock broke down when he heard the news over the phone last night. And today, our besties came. Trix and Like. Teen told me not to ask them not to come, as we would just cry all day.  He was right, our friends came. Hub and I didn’t know how we would get through the day, but we were in need of help that I couldn’t provide.  They are both Guide dog owners so understand as does our other friend JB. All our friends have been so supportive. Friends from all over the world. My Bloggets my friends on Facebook too. Such kindness we have been shown. My Niece Kerstin has even said she would come through next weekend bless her. But it isn’t just next weekend. It’s a life change. A life change we were not prepared for.

 

A lot of blind friends have Husbands or wives who can see. We are both blind. Both need our Suki back. Our best friend. Our lifeline and our darling little dog.

 

She has given all of her life. She took nothing. And when she really needed us, when she was in pain, we couldn’t even help her. The vets didn’t even try. Hub said it’s not their fault they were lovely, all I know is, I lost my Hannah last year in five days she went from her little self to death. In two and a half days, our Suki did that same thing. The vets were not able to do anything.  Our Suki had a year at least before she had to retire. Four days before her being put to sleep, she was like a one year old dog. The week before that she jumped over our friend’s wall and the week before that, she guided Hub and then I followed them through the train station as when we visited our Brother and family, no one at the station came to help, so we had to do it on our own. Well, with the help of our Suki.

 

Who will help us now? Who will take away this awful pain? I think my insides are going to burst. I need to be strong for my love. How will he cope in his office where he looks after the needs of Guide Dogs and their owners? How will he do the train stations again? So many times assistance doesn’t turn up. Suki was always there. Hotels with his business, Suki knew I know when we went to Scotland; I was with Hub for a works meeting with his old job. Suki just knew what to do. She knew it because that was what she did. She knew in the morning that she had to find the restaurant. I mean, how? I will never know.

 

She knew in meetings to lay and be quiet. When it was break times in meetings, and sometimes colleagues didn’t talk to Hub or were making their way to him and he didn’t know it at the time, he would put his hand down and there would be his faithful friend. In the bad old days when Hub travelled every week, in empty hotels full of loneliness, who was there? Not me, his wife, but our Suki.

 

No one now to make me feel secure in bed at nights when Hub away. No big beastie girl to stroke or write about no more adventures between LC and Wagga. In just over a year I have gone from BB, LC and Waggs to just our Wagga. She is also missing her big sister so much. How do I tell her? Her LC isn’t coming home. How does my body put up with this pain?

 

 

 

GOODBYE OUR BIG GIRL R.I.P. SUKI 18 SEPTEMBER 2015

goodbye. My Darling Long Chops. Our Suki. Hug Black Beauty for me and Daddy tell our Hannah there isn’t a day goes by without thinking about her.

 

Oh I don’t know how we will get through this I really don’t. Suki A.K.A   LC had a huge tumour around her heart. They don’t tell us there in pain until it’s too late.

Your big sister must need you. We didn’t even get chance to say

I love you Suki. Thank you so much for all you have done for me and your Daddy.

 

My love came home with the wonderful lady from work that without her this year would have been difficult. She has been amazing in many ways. Poor Hub isn’t coping at all. For him he said it’s the fear of how do we now do things, we are just us and don’t have anyone to help you know when we lose a guide dog its more than a pet. We have the pain, the getting rid of the dog food, the favourite toys putting away another bed and so on. But Guide dogs are a limp to us. They guide us. They are our eyes. Our LC took us to the bank. No way can we do that with a white cane in the middle of our busy city. The bakers, hair dressers chemist and so on. Getting on busses she just did it. There was no trouble with her, finding seats were challenging but at least we were standing at the right place for the right bus.

 

Hub and I did hotels we knew we could rely on LC. Hub would lead and I would follow Hub said in meetings, when no one spoke to him, as when you can’t see, you can’t always communicate as well. We can’t see who is smiling at us across the room so Hub would stroke LC’s ears she was always there for him she never let him down.

 

Four days ago she was here playing running barking, now?

 

If there is someone approaching our front door who will secure our house? Who will bark now if someone is in our garden? Oh my God. I’m in agony. What makes it worse is, I don’t know how to help Hub. I have to be strong for him as I have never seen him as bad as this, so I can’t crumble. But I want to. The pain inside is dreadful. The fear, coming up to Christmas, how on earth will we get gifts now? We can order on line, but for everything? Hub wanted to do the cathedral music this Christmas, as he didn’t last year. Well, now we can’t. He works in the office. Where her bed lay under his desk. He will miss her so much. 

 

When assistance didn’t turn up at train stations, LC would guide Hub to a taxi. Nothing was a bother to her.

 

She was just turned nine. Two dogs we have now lost in one year, almost to the day. What the heck is going on? Why are we being punished so much? We told Hubs Dad and he said he was sorry he was packing his car to go to his caravan and we will have to spend a lot of money on taxis now.

Yep. And when we get out of the taxi, where do we go next? And how?

I’m so worried for the next few months.

 

Our poor girl didn’t even get to retire. She worked till the end. Saturday she was wonderful. She did the town so well. Sunday she even worked locally. Too fast too soon. As for little Wagga, two years ago she came into our family with two sisters. Now, lost them both. She just brought me her toy that was the favourite of LC’s. I broke down; poor little Waggs doesn’t know what she has done.

 

My eyes feel cut my heart is split in two. My stomach is on fire. I have the worst head ache and I know I’m not half as bad as my love.

GOODNIGHT DARLING SUKI

Your big sister must need you. We didn’t even get chance to say goodbye. My Darling Long Chops. Our Suki. Hug Black Beauty for me and Daddy tell our Hannah there isn’t a day goes by without thinking about her.

 

Oh I don’t know how we will get through this I really don’t. Suki A.K.A   LC had a huge tumour around her heart. They don’t tell us there in pain until it’s too late.

I love you Suki. Thank you so much for all you have done for me and your Daddy.

DIARY OF POSITIVE PATHS

  Good morning Bloggets. It’s so sunny out there I so badly wish I could take my little Wagga on a lovely walk. To a forest or the beach? If only I could flipping see. I feel so guilty I can’t get her on free walks as much as I would like. Teen took her out yesterday but it’s very apparent that he doesn’t want to be with his Mum. Its normal for a teen I know as all of my friends who have boys can’t believe that our Son has family meals with us out and sits at the table with us for dinner. Well as far as the latter is concerned, if he didn’t he wouldn’t get me cooking for him. Simple. One rule I will never change. I believe strongly that a family should sit together at least once per day. I mean, last night, we all sat in our conservatory at the dining table and right in the middle of the table were that great big bloody salad bowl. I’m kidding, I have enjoyed it. Teen asked me if I was full at the end of my meal. He told me to finish all of the plate. Hahaha. He is used to me leaving my food. And going for a bag of crisps. Well I did as I was told and yes, he’s so right I was full and didn’t want anything after it. My little or not so little. Mr. Motivator. 

 

After our meal, we had a cup of tea and a long chat. Something we wouldn’t have done if we hadn’t have had a meal together.

 

Then teen said he would be one moment, went upstairs came back with his guitar. Started to play it was lovely.

 

At meal times, we have such intelligent conversations. Something our Son loves. Sometimes we put on the news and just chat about that and get each other’s views. Right now it’s the topic of immigrants and refugees. Hmm. I could write volumes on that subject.

 

I did go on the treadmill last night. Oh it was awful. And all night in bed I was in agony. My heart? It killed. As though I had an electric shock going through it. Gosh I am so unhealthy. Hub said stop the mill. But then what? No exercise?  It’s not as if I run? I would come third in a snail race! And that would be only because the race would consist between me and two snails.

 

As I’m trying to write, my little Wagga is pushing her teddy on my keyboard. Jejwioapskdjfjejenejejisoa Oh, sorry but jejejhwhhshehehheheh 

 

As for our LC today, yeah, she’s at work with Hub. Around her mouth is all crispy. We think she has been bleeding from there so I think she ate something out from the garden and perhaps those evil thorns from next door. Oh really, we phoned our guy who did our drive and fence. He is amazing at what he does, he also is a gardener. We have been trying to get him out for a year and a half. My neighbour told me that the trouble is, I want a gardener for a couple of hours, and they won’t stop doing a big job for me for such a short time. Around here, gardeners charge the earth, so he said if we asked him for a full day, he would come out. Well, I suggested to him we would have him a full day, he said his back was hurting and couldn’t work for a while. To call him out in a couple of weeks. We did. He was now looking after his kids as they were on summer holiday. So just before the holidays ended, we phoned again. Oh he was now going on holiday. So two weeks later, Hub called him last night. He asked Hub was he sure it was a full day? He said yes. Not a couple of hours? Hub said no. Not knowing if what he was saying was the right thing. See how we get ripped off as blind people? No way will it take a full day, but, to get him here we will have to pay that. And at least we can trust him. But then his answer? Well, I’m in the shopping centre now; I will save your number and phone you when I can come out and take a look….. Well, why he needs to save our number when we have had loads of fencing and path and drive work doing? I think it’s so he can put us off again. So he can next time say he forgot to save our number. I will call him one more time and if no reaction, forget him entirely. Shame as he is great, if we were to ask for a new fence. He would be out tomorrow. A new drive the same. As they are huge jobs. People around here don’t want small jobs. But when if he comes out, we do want a tree transplanting and other gardeners have asked a fortune for this job, one company wanted £3000 and I have not added two extra zeros. The other guys we got out said they would do it next time but next time didn’t happen as they left our garden in one heck of a state. The best gardener we have had is our neighbour. But he hates gardening. He did it for us as a one off. So I will give it until tomorrow then text this man back. It does my skull in. Teen says he wants to be a gardener, well, he could practice here, but no. We have offered him money and still no. He did some decretive work in our front garden and he did an amazing job. Everyone who passes and those who have visited say it’s great. As for the boring jobs like weeds? Naha. Not interested.

 

This week has been one of pure procrastination. I just can’t get motivated even though Mr. Motivator himself has been trying with me. It’s the normal jobs I need to do also work. I have an interview to do and a wedding speech to write. I just am not feeling it. This afternoon I am being interviewed by a University student who is studying English. God help them hehehe. See how that goes. I just hope I will be able to help.

 

Teen at work again. Oh I do hope he comes home in a better fettle than yesterday? Boy that was a challenge. At least he had a lovely game of golf with his friend. First time ever he would love to take it up as a hobby. It’s expensive though I think. He is saving for something I will tell you after the event so witchypoo can’t spoil it. And he so badly needs a new car. Really, to say I’m furious with his Father my ex is an understatement.

 

Firstly he drove it an hour and a half from his area to here knowing that the exhaust was gone. Also knowing that the indicator wasn’t working. And to top it all, it’s a dodgy M.O.T.

 

Oh yes. Really a responsible parent. I know when it is ready for its next M.O.T; my ex will encourage teen to get yet again another year of black market paperwork. Pay someone to tick the right box and go. So what if something is wrong with the car? Never mind, it’s only our Son. So I have told him to sell as soon as possible we would help him to buy, yet again. As we already gave him thousands stupidly when he was 16 as the account I had for him was at an ending. It was every penny I could save when I was with the ex as I knew at the time, no way would he ever get much from him. I wanted him to have a good start for a business, university or a car. Well, he met the evil one and it all went on it. My biggest regret. Also Olga gave Teen a good amount of money and again the witch swallowed it up. That will be her life. Not earning just taking. Oh, how proud she must feel. What an achievement, right?

 

I just kind of hoped that my ex would not have made sure he got his one and only Son a car that isn’t fit for the road. I mean all the thousands he has and all the money he stole from me over the years, he isn’t by far poor. An yet like his father before him, he will make sure people think he is. Oh poor him.  It’s so bad I really believed he was different to the rest of the greedy ones in his family. Don’t get me wrong, he has two brothers who are nice, out of five. As for his Sister, well the brothers will all agree, she is a joke.

 

Teen asked me the other day did I still care for my ex, his Father, I said yes. Of course I do. He was in my life for almost twenty five years since I was seventeen. Far too young for him, but there you go. I just wish he could have been a bit more decent. I was a great wife to him. Of course he will say different. But he knows the truth. I cooked for him every night, ran his baths listened to his stories and was the only person in the world I am sure who has even loved him. But to think how he treat me and still is, in a way is wrong.

 

I’m just grateful now I have found true love. A man who would climb mountains for me and put me before himself. As I would him.  As we both do for each other. I waited so long to be reunited with my Husband. I suffered hell. But now at last I have a future. As does my Son.

 

I’m thinking of having a break from my blog page and handing it over to my Husband. Now you will see a huge difference in the writing so bear with. I hope not to lose some Bloggets, as my Hub and I are so different and yet share the same soul. When he and I are together, we are alike. When we are apart, we are absolutely the opposite. That is great as we have a huge variety of subjects to cover.  So as we approach ninety thousand, yes ninety thousand views, I shall take a holiday soon in about a week and Hub will I hope, write for a while. So don’t expect anything personal. Haha. It will all be information lectures facts and so on. But sure of interest. Especially to the academics among our Bloggets.

 

Later with love but before I go some final words.

 

Words are a reflection of our thoughts. Positive words come from positive thoughts, negative words from negative thoughts. It is really that simple. Watch the words that come out of your mouth and you will have a good idea of the direction you’re thoughts are facing, and as a result, your life.

Below you will find some words. Which words get you excited make you feel strong happy which words move you bring you to tears Include these words in your affirmations? These words make them a reality.

Accept

Accomplishment

Achievement

Active

Adored

Alive

Beautiful

Believe

Benefit

Blessed

Bliss

Bloom

Bright

Brilliant

Calm

Care

Celebrate

Change

Clean

Clever

Confident

Courageous

Creative

Cuddle

Cure

Delight

Direct

Discover

Eager

Easy

Efficient

Effortless

Embrace

Energised

Enjoy

Exciting

Faith

Familiar

Fit

Flourish

Friendship

Full

Funny

Gathering

Genuine

Grace

Group

Harmony

Healed

Helpful

Healthy

Honest

I trust

I take action

Ideal

Incredible

Inspire

Joy

Kind

Kiss

Laugh

Learn

Let go

Light

Love

Meaningful

Miracle

Motivate

Nature

Optimistic

Party

Peace

Pleasure

Positive

Proud

Recognised

Relax

Respect

Safe

Secure

Spiritual

Strong

Support

Together

Tranquil

Trust

Truth

Upbeat

Valued

Vision

Willing

Youthful

Zeal

Zest

DIARY OF WHO'S THE PARENT?

Good day Bloggets. Well, I can tell you last night I was worried about our LC. Bless her Long Chops, they were not smiling. It reminded me of our old Black Beauty. And how fast she went downhill just before she died.  She normally would be pacing the floor at dinner time, she would run to the door when people came in but no, she barked, just. Didn’t get out from her bed and her bark was so weak. As for her dinner, she left some, again not like her. When she was eating it, it was as if to say. “Hmm I’m doing this because Mummy and Daddy want me to.”” Not because she was hungry or enjoying it.

 

Her heart beat was very fast her breathing was laboured. But our little Waggatail didn’t seamed bothered. Now when our BB was dying, we weren’t sure what was wrong as we had her to the vet three times in a week and they said she was fine. I knew she wasn’t but thought may be its just old age? Little Waggs never left her side it was pitiful. She’s not bothered about her big sister LC and I know little Wagga isn’t a vet, but she is as much use if not better than the one we took BB to! At least she knew that there was something wrong with BB.

 

So, I asked Hub should we phone the vet he answered no, because her heart isn’t as fast as it was, and she’s drinking OK. Also walking not the same mind you. Much slower. Our LC doesn’t walk she runs everywhere.  

 

Well this morning, I got up with Hub at silly hour and heart in mouth really was prepared for the worst. Each time I woke up through the night I wanted to come and see if she was alright. But didn’t dare. We left our bedroom door open in case she cried or started to breathe in an odd way.

 

The morn was nipping as Jack Frost seems to be in the area checking out where he wants to visit on his winter holiday.

 

I turned on our heating. We have HIVE I have written about before. Really if you are unable to see your heating thermostat, please find out about HIVE? You control the heating from your mobile phone. It’s amazing.

 

Came down stairs. Hub first.

Few. Well. Thank God she was still alive. And she came to me for a cuddle, still weak I would say but nowhere near as bad as last night.

 

So she is at home with me today as Hub has to travel far in a taxi to work over an hour and to be in a car each way for so long, would be cruel. If he had to work her to get to work, like on a bus or train, like the old days in his other job, oh my word. No way, I’m not sure what he would do, as his white cane skills are OK, but not wonderful. Oh our LC has been a wonder dog. I don’t like her being ill. Thing is with our dogs, they get the best food and health check from Guide Dogs so they aren’t ill. Until it’s too late. Now, I think I may know what is wrong with her, but it’s just a guess. I wonder if next door has been spraying weed killer or worse, rat poison? I know at the weekend he was doing an autumn clear up on his garden. If some of it has come through the fence? So we are going to have to pay more attention on our way to our dog run.

If she is no better by Hub gets in we will take her to our new vets.

 

Hub has put on a lot of weight over the past few days since he’s been away. I’m not surprised. He’s eaten like a pig. Or is that he has eaten a pig?

 

He has been on a farm. driving a tractor…… Yep, he’s blind, and? Hahaha. But they fed the staff so much meat. A hog roast was spoken about. Hence why I fed him a massive salad last night. To get all of the meat out of his head, though doubt it will have done any good. When it comes to eating meat, my Husband won’t give it up. I can’t make him into a vegetarian. I’ve tried….. Teen was, until Hub came into our lives. Hmm. He soon turned my boy. Not good. Right? Teen was a fit child never ill. After six months of eating meat, oh cold after cold feeling sick head aches and so on.

 

So this leads me onto my lecture last night. Teen pulled out a dining chair as I sat on the sofa in our conservatory. Oh boy. He was like a Doctor. Hahaha.

 

“Mum. I need a serious word. I think you know what I’m going to say? I love you and want to see you with my children. I want you to live many years. The way you are going, I’m going to lose you.”

 

Oh this went on and on and on andonandonandon and on.

I got advice on exercise, protein what to eat what not to eat and what body parts I had to work out on. Hahahhaa. Bless his gym vest. He referred it to my Mums smoking. Asking how I felt about her smoking. He is absolutely correct. My brain knows it. My heart aches for a past I didn’t like when it came to food. My brain tells me to forget about my past and think of my future. But then I get so hungry for the wrong foods. I don’t eat much as in quantity, but I eat butter on toast and can’t just have two slices of toast. I have to have four and even then I’m not full.  But I will make that do until evening meal. When it comes to my meal, I’m not at all bothered.

 

After cooking for the boys, I really don’t want to start again cooking for myself. So lunch time today, teen comes in from work in one heck of a mood. We dealt with that, and then he told me he had made my lunch. Bless him. I said I don’t want any. He said you will eat….. So who is the parent here? OK I sat down to a lunch I never eat through the day unless Hub is off work. Gosh, I enjoyed it. My head is telling me if I’m eating more, surely I must put on weight? Well, then before I got chance to settle my lunch down, teen asked if I had been in the gym today? I said no, not yet, he asked why? Oh my word. He asked if I went in last night, I said yes but not for very long. He asked why? I said I found or find it so boring. He told me that wasn’t good enough and asked when I was there did I sweat? I said I don’t sweat. He told me I should and this went on and on and onandonandon again.

 

Thank God he has gone out now to the big proper gym himself then he is playing golf with his friend a lad I love then he is off to play tennis. Haha haha. I’m sitting talking to you. As for the gym, I will have to go outside to the garage. No way until those men are away. Oh the noise outside is awful. It’s like living on a blooming motorway. We shouldn’t have to go through that noise they are digging up the road something to do with BT. It’s been going on now for two weeks. Out my back it’s a motorway, front it’s a building site. I hate it. I’m really getting fed up with the noise pollution around here I feel so sorry for our neighbour across the road, he works nights so sleeps during the day. Oh my word. Really, I’m in the house and I can hardly hear my voice over on my lap top as I type. Drilling banging pipes clashing. Awful.

 

OK will go for now, as really do not have a clue what I am writing now. And my left eye today feels like it is being squeezed. Not sure why? Just my stupid eye condition I guess. Later with love. Be strong in life and you will get through the other side of your life test, as I do believe we get tested by our maker. My maker really pushes me. A bit like my Son? Smile.

 

X

A MEATY MEMORY

Good day my dear faithful Bloggets. Well in our winter wonderland of the UK I have my heating on. I went out before and guess who was driving around the corner? Hub and his colleagues. That would have been fine, though the car didn’t stop; I only knew it was them because Hub told me. Well, again, all fine, until my Son just told me bear in mind that I have been out, OK? I am wearing purple jeans. That’s Okay, but I thought they were navy. again, purple is nice. But with a red jumper? I could die with embarrassment I’m mortified. My friends will laugh as they know how obsessed I am with colour. Oh I’m like one of those ladies in the red hat brigade. Who grows up shamefully wearing red and purple together?

 

Talking of shamefulness. A photograph today was being put about the press of ten female soldier’s  standing in a line breast feeding. It is disgusting. Why do women feel the need to do that? OK some feminists say why  should we be ashamed of breast feeding. No you shouldn’t but try to have some dignity please? You know, women have been breast feeding for ever. It’s nothing new or nothing to boast about.

 

Well Hubs home and seems to have had a great time. He certainly hasn’t been doing it for the vegetarians. He was on a farm and ate their own meat. And you should hear what he had to eat? All I’m saying is, I made a gigantic salad for dinner and put it in front of him. Hahaha. “Get that down your meaty neck.”

 

The fun things he has done is driven a tractor. They worked with sheep and cows too. And had a few competitions. The really really spooky thing is the place he stayed, our Son and my ex stayed there for a holiday many years ago. I have fond memories of that place. The first night there, the lady met us and told me now, bear in mind, all three of us at the time were vegetarians,

“I can get you some beef if you wish?”

I’m thinking, why does she want us to have beef, and why only beef? Haha haha. Ok, we were on a farm. I didn’t know that that is what they call poor cows?

 

Anyway, going to close for now, tomorrow I promise lots to chat about well, I pray I will, right now I’m not too sure if we will be spending time at the vets. Our LC looks really really ill. I must say, I am extremely worried. Hub thinks she has eaten something outside. I don’t know, but she is just lying there we keep checking her pulse and she is eating, but I wouldn’t say she is keen to do so.  Even when Hub came in and teen later on LC didn’t move or bark as normal. Oh please, let her be OK? She was fine this morning. Oh, remind me tomorrow to tell you about the lecture I had last night? Smile. Later gators.