OK let’s think for a while.
Gosh what is life all about? A question I have asked myself
so many times along with why was I born?
Have you ever wondered why you, were born? To some it was
because our parents had a little fun and nine months later, we popped out to
say hello to the world. But for me that was slightly different. I was adopted
at four weeks to parents who really wanted a baby they were childless for fourteen
years before they adopted my brother who isn’t blood related but as a child
that didn’t bother me at all. My big brother who is seven years older than me, was
that, my big brother. My hero. My parents were older than me by forty and forty-seven
years. They died when I was far too young. A fear I went to bed with every
single night from the age of about four. I always knew they would leave this
earth when I was young with them being a lot older than myself, but I hope for my
Sons sake, I shall, outlive my parents as they were only in their seventies
when they died, I was thirty. I had a
baby and I needed them more than ever. Still today I feel robbed being without
a parent to support me or for me to send birthday cards to or visit hug them
tell them I love them, be a voice at the other end of the phone. Christmas and
Mother and Father’s day I wish I could visit my parents. But one thing my Mum said
on her death bed, not that I knew she was dying at the time, was that I, was
meant to go to her. And I believe I was. My birth mother didn’t want me and my
birth father had no choice back then so, I was thrown away like unwanted
rubbish at the age of two days.
I for sure have suffered a lot of pain in my life a lot of
heartache, depression and seen things no one should have seen at any age. I have
visited hell on earth been held down by the devil and if not for my poor angel
who watches over me, I am sure I would have been suffocated by his strength.
I had to go through the long dark tunnel and fight my way
through it to get out, but in the journey, I fell down ditches but thankfully I
was pulled out of them, left dizzy and confused. Sad and alone. But coming up
to ten years the love of my life married me and put me on a fast track to get
out of the long tunnel that I had been in all of my life.
I got out of there and out into the sunshine, only thing is,
I had been in that tunnel so long I was like those mining pit ponies who were
blind when they got out of the coal mine as they had been underground for so
long. Only I was blinded by a cruel eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa who
came and stole my vision overnight leaving me with a baby and little did I know
then, that I was going to be without my
parents weeks later.
I still don’t see the sun, but I feel it and I still wait
with bated breath and a beating heart for treatment to release me from this
prison of nothingness that I wake up to each morning. I wait for research to
write Eureka!
Rather than a long dark damp tunnel these days, I go under
lots of bridges and some of them are really low, making me claustrophobic, only
these days I have my love and he walks by my side!
I have gone through life feeling like a punch bag or
something to be used as a worthless being, and still have days when I have
those thoughts, but I am stronger now and don’t allow those large boots to kick
me and trample all over me. I tell, not ask those people to remove their
footwear and put on some carpet slippers and I talk to them. If they are not
willing to undo their laces, then I tell them to take a walk to another place,
another poor person will have to deal with them and I am free of whatever they
had planned for me. I have got rid of the rubbish and I am left with only
quality, but it has taken many years to get there, to get here. But still, I ask
why was I born, especially as the woman who gave birth to me tried everything
to get rid of me when I was still inside of her. How many more years do I need to
live to learn that answer?
My Husband tells me if I had not have met him, he wouldn’t
be here now. Perhaps I am here for him and he is there for me and we are both
here for my Son who makes us proud every day. But I hope one day I will be able
to say to you all, this is why I am here!
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