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Wednesday 9 October 2019

TEARS TO HEAVEN BY FIONA CUMMINGS


Hello Dear Bloggets

Last weekend I was so ill with the flu. I’m still not too good but better. Hub still isn’t too well we have both had bad health over the past couple of weeks and to top it all off, I received the worst news on Sunday. I wasn’t shocked by it, as I think it would have taken a miracle for there to be any positive outcome but when I heard the news, a heavy blanket fell over me and I just couldn’t get out from it.

 

My Dear friend Kinzie gave up her battle to live on Sunday. And I am left so angry. This year has been a tough one as last year was too, but to have this happen? She was the person for 18 years, I turned to for advice, love and caring thoughts. She was someone my tiny family of my Husband and Son loved so much. She was Hub and my Mum and my Sons Grandmother since all three of us have none of them to our own any more, she kind of filled that gap. She is someone I have cared about for 18 years. A huge part of our life. My darling Son is so worried about her Husband. He is such a kind lad. And I must admit I’m worried too. I just hope I wish, the best for him and their daughter who has been a rock since my lovely Kinzie has been in hospital. She has kept in contact even when she was abroad as living far away hasn’t been easy.

 

Hub and I were sitting in our lounge on Sunday evening and he just said to me. Its really odd, people are just getting on with their lives, laughing, joking and totally oblivious to the pain we are going through and many other people right now. I remember thinking that same thought when my own Mum died. Our baby was only a year old and my house felt like a ditch and the soil was being shovelled in on top of me. I had to get out for my Sons benefit, so I took him to a soft play where children, parents and child minders laughed, and went on their merry way. I sat there and thought the same as my Husband did the other night. Life is really odd. Here I am feeling this total pain thinking I will never be able to smile again let alone laugh, when others don’t care. But the thing is, I have had over fifty messages via emails, texts, messenger and social media saying the kindest words. A lot of you have said you are praying and I totally believe in mass prayer, I have written about this before. And I think your kindness has gone a long way to help to start a healing process.

 

I just hope to goodness my dear friends Husband will be OK, thank goodness he has his daughter. Bless them both.

 

My friend has been there for me for so many years now. she has been the person I have really needed for so many reasons. We used to see each other every single day. Then I moved so it was less but we kept in contact by phone at least three times per week and then I moved again much further away but we still got to see each other at least three times per year and again, kept in contact by phone. I keep going to the phone to call her and of course, I can’t. I cry then somehow find strength to carry on. Mainly because I hear her voice shouting at me. She didn’t stop with how she felt and let me know. She never held back her feelings. That is the love and respect I had for her. She knew me so well, and I her. Like my Husbands Mum, I hope where ever she goes now in our universe, she finds a much better life but more over I hope she finds peace. I’m sure our beautiful dogs who she adored will find her and I hope there are no dog biscuits in her world otherwise our dogs will be humungous as my Kinzie loved to be a feeder.

 

Like my own Mum, she loved the birds that came to her garden. She spent a fortune on them. Just like when my Mum died, one of my first thoughts was, who will feed them now?

 

She left her much loved dog Sally. She will stay with her Dad my friends Husband. He will need her now. but poor Sally will be so sad, as our dogs do grieve.

 

Each time a bit of my heart is broken, I wonder if that is how we die of old age, because our hearts disintegrate until there is nothing left to work our body. I think what I have been through in life, my heart will represent a rag that has been chewed by a Pitbull.

 

Anyway, life goes on.

And on and on. I hope for many more years but I hope for happiness to find me and no more deaths please for so many years. But I have also learned that genuine people really do help. It’s rare to find a genuine person, but when you do, hang on to them. The warmth I have felt by such kind friends and my closest family of late has been so powerful, almost as if our maker has been talking to my heart and soul.

 

My Sons bedroom is getting decorated. We have our great painter here who fixed the mess the last decorator did from last year. He also did our bathroom and he’s great. I’m so pleased and relieved we have found a person we can trust to do a great day’s work. Why is it that every good tradesman I find is so much older than me? Meaning I should, outlive them. Or, is it because their generation are much more honest than the young guys?

 

I have horrific eye pain and have had for three days now. it’s like a high heel from a shoe is being pushed into my eyeball.

 

I’m out tonight with our great friends Geordie and David. We are going to an art gallery to see a couple of classical singers. And tomorrow out again to the theatre to see a comedy with another friend. Then let the countdown begin for our Sons holiday to America. Bless him, he is working so very hard. Leading up to his holiday, he is working fourteen days in a row over time every day too. Last night he looked absolutely exhausted and so tired of life. I will keep praying for him.

 

For whatever reason, I get very spiritual at this time of year. If you look back at October and November posts you may find blogs suggesting this. In a couple of weeks, I am going to see a spiritualist and I hope she has some answers for me.

 

A shout to my big brother and sister in law. Hope you both have a great holiday. Happy birthday to you. Thank you as always to Louise. I’m forever grateful to you.  and my poem to my dear Kinzie.

Every birthday and Christmas no matter what I bought her, she would only ever thank me for her vouchers for M&S. Bless her, I used to tease her saying if not for her, Marks & Spencer would go out of business…. Hence a part of the poem.

MORE THAN A FRIEND

BY FIONA CUMMINGS

 

I didn’t get to say goodbye

Well at least you didn’t see the tears I cried

I hope you didn’t feel alone

I really tried

Walls were built and shadows followed

Your life was taken and swallowed

I keep picking up the phone

Then I realise you won’t answer

The smiles and sadness as I pass your favourite store

Marks & Spencer

I just want to knock on your door

Hug you tell you I love you

I hope you knew how much you meant to us all?

Who’s now going to catch me when I fall

Who’s going to tell me to hold my head up tall

Fly high with the birds you loved so much

You have gained your wings with the hearts you have touched

You were always there for me when no one else was

You were my surrogate Mum

Our dogs loved you, to them you were fun

And you were the Grandparent to our Son

I feel for those you have left behind

Your daughter and Husband

I pray peace they will find

And good company they will keep

I pray by day you will walk in the gardens of heaven

And by night you will sleep

In a bed so comfortable

And you will never weep

You will never face trouble

And your path will be smooth, without rubble

Sing with the angels and watch them dance

Upon clouds for a stage

I’m sure like ours, their lives will be enhanced

By your wisdom and love

Dear Lord above

Take care of my Dear

I hope one day we will be together again

As she to me, was more than a friend

 

© Fiona Cummings

 

 

 

 

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