Gosh the sun is so warm today. It’s a truly beautiful day. Unlike
yesterday when our hearts were filled with such sadness as we went to our
dearest friend’s funeral. Hub and I got home and we were totally broken
hearted. Reality had kicked in. there was no more Kingsie. No more plans to visit
her. No one to phone. How badly I want to phone her. I still have all the
messages on my mobile from her over the year. Eighteen years is a very long
time to be such close friends with someone and so fast she is out of our life.
she was a parent to Hub and myself. The only one we have left. She genuinely cared
for all three of us. She worshiped our dogs and gosh, how calm they were at the
funeral. My little darling Waggatail lay so still unlike her. She kept putting
her head up and her nose on my hand as if to say, are you OK Mummy? Dogs really do feel pain and they loved my
friend so much.
I have never had such mixed feelings about anyone in my
life. when my Nanna died when I was fifteen, I really was upset as I spent a
lot of weekends with my Nanna doing things that grandparents should do with
their grandchildren, like picking veg and apples from her garden and making
gingerbread men. When I lost a young friend at just the age of 19, I was so sad
for her family. For my Dad, crushed. He was my life. When my Mum died, I was
scared. I have so deeply sad and depressed. But my friend? Well, the first
week, I was so angry. So, annoyed with the reason how she died. The lead up to
her dying. Angry that she had left us. We all three need her so much. I was so
sad for her lovely daughter and Husband and was so very upset for my Son as he
loved her. The days leading up to her funeral, I felt almost numb. And after
saying a last goodbye to her and the daughter of my friend and friends Husband,
we got home two hours journey and both of us just cried. All last night was
spent in a whirlwind of a horrid black blanket of not knowing how we are meant
to be! I feel so sad, so alone, and scared again just like I did when my Mum
died. I’m so not ready to be up high on the tree. I feel like I am going to
fall. My Husband said last night she was the only parent like figure he had in
the world who cared about him. I so badly want to phone her now and I can’t.
just one more phone call?
Why do we have to grieve? It’s so cruel. I have done it far
too many times in my life. I need a break now.
My Son has arrived in America thank goodness. He has text me
to tell me he has a beautiful huge car. A Ford Mondeo. He did as his Dad told
him and video’s the car before driving it checking out the fuel logging that
too. His Dad is scared bless Hub that the company are going to trick him with
being young. There is a humongous fee for any damage etc. at the end of my
texts I write one word. Right…. As I am terrified, he drives on the wrong side
of the road. I guess American cousins will say the right, side of the road? Smile.
Well it looks like the UK have made progress on the move to
leave Europe. I’m not too clever when it comes to politics and I wait for my
darling Husband to translate it all for me, but I feel like the 31st
of this month, we may be leaving the European Union. It’s been a very long
three years plus.
A couple of days ago I went for my second Mammogram. My first
was four months before my big birthday, so early and I was terrified. I was
expected to be humiliated and in agony. I can tell you the technician who did
it was so nice and gentle and I came away so relieved. No pain at all. Not even
one per cent of pain. Now then, the other day? A totally different story with
regards the humiliation, it didn’t happen thank goodness. But I have to tell
you something that has made me laugh.
I was taken to a small area like a passport booth. It even had a curtain. I was told to remove
my bra but keep my top on. I did then I sat on the seat that I had been told to
sit on and wait. It was like a wooden slatted seat. As I sat carefully not
wanting to learn the seat wasn’t Fifi bulk proof, to discover it was fat
friendly, it didn’t even creak…. I waited. I looked ahead just like you do in
the passport booths. I wondered when I was going to get told my picture was
going to be taken? As I sat there feeling rather happy of the new technology marvelling
at how we had advanced in the process of a Mammogram. How now you can even keep
your clothes on and obviously the new system just took a picture of you and
that was enough…. My curtain opened and I was asked to step out…. Had my
picture been taken? Gosh, I didn’t hear a thing?
Oh, a real blonde moment. Or was it just me?
I was led into another room after learning that the booth
was just a changing cubical….
The room was dingy and very old. There were two technicians
in. both thank goodness ladies.
Oh, my first experience didn’t mirror at all the second one.
This was horrific. Hurt like hell and by the end of it I felt really dizzy with
pure pain. For over 12 hours I burned. And three days on, I feel bruised. It was
a dreadful experience. I have read up on the subject and learned that it
depends on the technicians of the pain factor. I feel like making a complaint. But
the trouble is, the staff were so lovely. Really nice, kind and professional
but, they both took part in the horrid painful test. Now I wait for three weeks
to learn of the outcome. Still waiting for the Doctor to call me about my blood
test. I wonder how long I will wait for that? It’s been ten days now since she
had the results. And seven since I learned that 10 of the tests were normal,
one wasn’t so, seven days of worrying what is wrong with me?
England is forecast for snow. Well I hope it stays like
today for the weekend as Hub and I want so badly to get out to feel the air on
our faces. I hope to walk among crisp cornflake like autumn leaves with our
dogs. I don’t care if it is freezing, as long as it doesn’t rain.
Once again, I would like to thank you all for your kindness
over the past ten days. Louise, Molinda,
Joel, James, Jim, Judy, Julie, Carrie Ann, Sheila, Peggy, Patsy Pauline and far
too many more to write here without it looking like a telephone directory but
you all know who you are and you are all so special to me I will never forget
how kind you have all been. Writing to tell me you are praying and you send
your love. Just to put a name to the kind words I never expected such kindness.
Thank you all. Know I am here for you always.
X
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