POOR BLACK BEAUTY

Good morning Bloggets. It’s 6am and Hub has just left for a train followed by a two and a half hour journey to his place of work today. His colleague is picking him up from the train station for the awful long drive. It’s a conference where he has a speech to make.

It’s raining, that kind of fine drizzle. But warm.

 

I am up as had to see to Black beauty. Oh last night was horrible and worrying. She was like she was a couple of weeks ago where she just couldn’t walk. Hub checked her pulse and it was double what it should be. Then when we eventually got her out for her business, she lay down in the middle of the back yard. We got her up and she just stood and didn’t want to come in.

I put her to bed separate to the other two girls and she didn’t know where she was. It is so sad. She isn’t crying like she was last week, just as though she has no energy.

Today I really didn’t think she would be alive. I felt sick through the night and wanted to just come and sit with her, but I thought she also needs a good sleep. This morning when I walked down stairs, I heard her trying to get up bless her. She managed on her own, this is something she couldn’t do a couple of weeks ago. But when she walked through the living room, back hall where the other two were and kitchen, she went for a drink, but if you could have heard it, the slowest drinking I have ever heard a dog do and only a few sips, then rather than go out, she lay down again.

 

LC, is very concerned about her too, bless her. And last night, Waggatail, wouldn’t leave her. Oh, if only they could talk? I’m going to call the vet and I think I will ask them to make a home visit as no way I am going to try to get her to them. I’m listening to her breathing now and she is in a deep sleep. Oh God, I can’t bear any more horribleness in my life right now and to lose my little girl will be so bad. So painful. I have had her since teen was five, so twelve years. She has moved three houses with me and even dressed up for our wedding in a huge yellow rosette made by my dear much missed Mother in law. Even her and LC, joined in with the last dance as the entire congregation formed a massive circle to hold hands and dance. That was so funny, bless them, I didn’t agree with that for the dogs, but LC loved it. Just to see her ill now is horrible and not to know what is wrong, I am still not convinced it’s her arthritis.

I also hate the vet as much as I hate doctors. I always feel like they just want to end it with old things like people and animals. But my girl is not that old this is the sad thing.

 

Going through town yesterday, more on our day with our daughters later, LC, was a hero. It was packed and she was amazing. Oh we got lost too. Only the second time this year, but not as bad as when we were lost for four hours when we left Olga and D in their flat earlier in the summer. But still a panic time, but thanks to my Husbands bravery not fallen apart like I wanted to, and my determination to tell Hub to retrace our steps he has a really daft way of finding his way out of a difficult situation, and that is randomly walking anywhere? Haha. Not joking, I was telling him we are going back and that is that. He wasn’t my friend but when we did retrace our steps, we were fine. But couldn’t have done that with a white cane, no way as in the harness, Hub knew that LC knew when she was lost and knew when she recognised the area. Our dogs are amazing and when my Son was little, my darling Black beauty made it possible to take him to school and back. That is the only place I went and I was totally terrified to step outside of the door. I think as a blind person for me  the hardest thing to do is the school run.

God I hated that. Just knowing there were loads of children following you, looking at your child wondering why he was so different to them. I mean, they used to be running wild all over the place, whereas my boy had a hold of my hand. I did used to feel dreadful and wished with all of my heart that he could run free like them, but how could he? I couldn’t see where he was among the crowds and how did I not know if he had been snatched or ran onto a road? So she my lovely girl, used to guide us even making sure she made the gaps big enough to let her, and two of us through rather than just me.

 

Then walking back, my dog was on the list to be a reject, when guide dogs just don’t make it, but they qualified her with me… Hence one of the many reasons I never went anywhere. But I say one of many.

So on the way back from our school drop off, we made that journey that should have lasted ten twelve minutes, go on for forty minutes as she would go on a wild goose Chace.

 

Then on the way back, trying to fight my way through kids in the playground and mothers who were the most ignorant people on earth. Where I lived two houses ago, the people were horrible and never moved out of the way in fact they used to make it more difficult for me by forming in their words,

“Human walls.

Horrible people. This is why I moved from that area. Then trying to find the right time to ask BB to turn in to one of the many doors to wait for my Son.

 

The reason I got a guide dog, was because the kids were making fun of my Son in the playground of me with my white cane and Mothers were being horrible as of course you have to make sure there is nothing in front of you, by moving the stick left to right, and you are really meant to sweep it far left and right, I never did as always people would complain. Oh I got told I should never be allowed out of the house and so many other horrible things. I didn’t want to leave the house, I was OK in my prison thank you, but had to get my Son to school. I mean, how dare they when I think back, but even yesterday in town, I caught a couple of ankles you do as you can’t see who is standing silent to you, just standing in the middle of the path or even looking at something in the window of a shop? And when the town was so packed like yesterday, it’s impossible not to tap someone. Also the white cane is rubbish as if someone stops in front of you, it’s too late, you slam into them, as I really am affected by the early horrible people in my early days of mobility and don’t use the cane properly. Some days just push it in front of me. This is not good, as whatever is at my side, I bump into. But rather hurt myself, as hear tuts and complaints from others, I must say though, most of the people in our town, don’t complain, possibly because a lot of them are foreign tourists and can’t talk English? Hehehe.

OK, starting to ramble, I’m going back to bed now I won’t sleep. Just lay there. I hope not with horrible thoughts about my Darling Black beauty. My heart really can’t take much more pain.

I will be back later with the story of meeting our daughters and our day with them later. X

 

HE CRACKED ME UP

 OK, my God. This is crazy and my Darling Husband didn’t help. Now the naughty man is having a bath so out of the way, as he made me have the biggest most embarrassing smile on my face and he knew he would crack me up and did it deliberately!

So our shopping came. We are lucky in the UK as we can order online and have it delivered. Now, I am used to receiving emails and texts telling me that Martin would be coming in the green cabbage van, or the red tomatoes van, this puts a smile on my face for starters, but when they tell me the registration to look out for that kind of makes me laugh, but then when they arrive and find out I can’t read the printed paper telling me what substitutes we have this week, so read it to me and we get a numpty like tonight, oh God, that was just quite simply too much to bare!

 

So the doorbell rings. I go to the door; Hub is sitting on the couch. The door opens into our lounge as all dogs safely away in their beds in the back hall. I open the door to hear a man sound like he has been inhaling helium balloons all night.

Either that or he was wearing very tight trousers.

Or, he was the original Donald Duck!

Take your pick.

So already I was rude and couldn’t help but laugh. And you know Hub picks up on this and he is so bad, I could hear him muttering things in the back ground; he knows how to make me worse?

And he is so dry and serious too this makes me laugh again.

Well, I was just about holding it together when the man began to read out my substitutes.

Oh gosh, he read in this really odd voice.

“So, they have swapped your panceamnolas

“Sorry? My what?

I asked. He repeated, but this time, I let him read on before quizzing him and he finished off the Italian dish by saying capsules….

I thought for a while thinking, I know I didn’t order Italian this week? But then capsules echoed in my head and I realised what he meant.

Oh, I exclaimed. You mean Paracetamols?

As in pain killers?

He said

“Oh yes, silly me. It’s been one of those nights?

I thought, no love, one of those cabbage drivers?

Hehehehehe. Hubs dry muttering from him in the background made it impossible for me to stop laughing and I’m not talking smiling, I was beaming cheek to cheek and actually giggling.

I wouldn’t care, but he jogged on and was telling about something else equally as intelligent, like recycling the plastic bags.

Oh but it got better.

As he turned to me asking if I needed any help with the shopping in my house? I of course said no thank you, he continued telling me.

“I’m good with the disabled you know? They always send me to people like you?”

“Say whaa’aat?

Oh my God, well I would have been OK with that, a little shocked but it was Hubs response. Hehehahahaha. Oh God I am going to kill him?

 

 Well, I just laughed my way through the delivery. And proper belly laughs too. Oh it was so bad.

I closed the door with tears coming down my face and turned to hub to tell him off but couldn’t for laughing and he said to me in his dry voice.

“Did you like that?”

He meant his commentary. I said no. I blooming didn’t. Oh God it was sooo bad.

 

Oh and he looked at my eggs opening the egg box telling me he was checking or should that be chicken? If they were cracked? I guess like me? He said they were OK, and I wouldn’t be having scrambled eggs tonight?

Ha Ha blooming Ha, but at least that gave me a great excuse to let out a hu’u’uge laugh, to release some of the kept in strangled laughter I had done my best to keep in; I swear it was his voice too. I just wasn’t expecting that one.

OK, so it’s all away anyway and those dreaded jars and packets. Hub asked why I order such things, and I know it’s stupid, but dishes would be so boring if not for sauces? Right? Only trouble is, I don’t know what the heck they are. Oh well, there’s always eggs? Haha. Nighty night for now. Sleep well to the song of the night owl and wake with a smile to the lark. Talk in September. X

HOME JAMES AND DON'T SPARE THE HORSES

Good day my Bloggets. It’s sunny outside and in my heart. Today Hub and I got the bus to our town. OK, almost sat on a ladies knee trying to find a seat, and then removed a huge bag from another person’s lap as the gap for me wasn’t quite as large as one’s self… Thing is when you can’t see, you don’t go sideways, do you? Haha haha. I am not sure if the person was man woman or other, but I said sorry, as I retrieved their shopping.

We found a seat; possible passing a couple on the way, but that is really the hardest part of travel, finding a blooming seat that is empty. Got to town, we didn’t dare go anywhere as it was packed. Last week before school and pay week for many.

It’s not far to our hair dressers, across two roads. It was windy, so the crossing without the beeps was challenging. See, we normally hear the other beeps, then we know that road is flashing too, but with the wind, blind man’s fog as we call it, we couldn’t hear it, so I was determined to find the button as under the button, there is a stick like thing that twirls when the lights change to cross. But makes no sound. So there I was with Michael, my white cane, hehehe. Bashing ankles as thought they were the lights? Well, you would wouldn’t you?

No?

Oh, just me then…. Well, I didn’t hear an ouch, so it was OK. Found the button, OK, through a ladies handbag strap, but got there, it twirled for me and off we went. Passing the familiar shop we frequent and our wonderful Long Chops indicated to the right into the hairdressers. So easy route today. My fave hair dresser did my hair, and it was great, a real treat. I love it. Out of there and back for the bus. Oh God, there was a young girl with a baby on the bus, she stunk. Really B O. She was telling her partner the baby was opening her mouth and shaking her head? Yeah, not surprised, she was probably gasping for air?

We were, time we got off. I’m not joking, she blooming honked.

Anyway, off we got and home James and don’t spare the horses.

Great saying we have in the UK. What does it mean?

In the latter half of the 19th century, Queen Victoria had a carriage driver named James Darling. Traditionally, the Victorian ‘upper class’ called their staff only by their surname. In as much, Queen Victoria calling Mr. Darling – ‘Darling’ - seemed slightly inappropriate. So ‘James’ it was to be.

I heard it came from old horse driven coaches too where the person would tell the footman to hurry. But I like the top answer best.

Heard from my Son today. He’s staying another night with someone. Home tomorrow. He called we had a nice chat but he is loaded with cold. I guess after his music festival. Hub says he was ill last year too.

Tomorrow we are off to town to see the girls. I will let you know how we got on.

   OK, off to make tea now, Hub is getting something out of the freezer, what? Not sure. Our Canary Irish you know, hahaha. Is singing today. So back to normal. With love till later. Xxx

 

 

FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO

It’s raining, and our Son is fishing? I know that they say they are better to catch when it’s raining, I really hope he doesn’t catch any? Poor fishy’s.

OK, had tea, getting myself ready to face the town tomorrow. It’s the last weekend before our little darlings go back to school, so I bet it will be packed and we are going mid-day too. Lovely. Going to get my hair cut. This is the only hair dresser who hasn’t given me the mirror to look at the back of my hair.

I’m not joking with you, after talking about my guide dog and so on; they still used to show me the mirror.

I wonder how many people I can take out tomorrow in town? Hehehe. How many photographs will we walk in front of? How many bruises will I come back with? How many railings will I leave my skin on?

Haha.

Well, if there is a murder in our town, my D n A will be all over.

OK, dogs screaming for tea now, God knows why? Their food is blooming boring.

Feeding time at the zoo! Three dogs, three different meals.

Later gators.

 

THE BLINDIE BLUES BY FIONA CUMMINGS

THE BLINDIE BLUES

BY FIONA CUMMINGS

I woke up today

And what did I say?

 Good morning it’s time to play

Hunt for my clothes

Find my shoes

Feel for the bins outside

Be torn by a rose

Do that funny walk whilst I go up a step

Oh my word I look like a pleb

Foot slam to the ground

Thank God no one’s around

As the step obviously has been moved

Who would do such a trick?

Are they sick?

It was there yesterday I’m sure

And as for that door?

Half open

It laughs at me

But I’m not joking

That blooming hurt

I know I left it closed

Tell that to my nose

Then I go an drop something

I heard it ping

Shush, let me hear it just once again?

 Yes, it’s there as I put down my hand

Then time to cook breakfast

For the wicket there’s no wrest

Oh tinned tomatoes not custard please?

At least I know what is cheese

Putting the washing in the machine

Make sure it comes out nice and clean

Hmm, that may be a challenge to me

If only these dam eyes could see?

Vacuum the floors and wash down the doors

Gosh how I hate these daily chores

Dusting now

Some ask how?

As you should see how many trinkets I have

But those china statues I simply love

And when I clean them it makes me glad

Though to break one would make me sad

So very carefully

Pick them up then placing them back so beautifully

OK I can’t see them, but I know they are there

And I just have to treat them with care

It makes it more special I am sure

All so perfectly same gaps in between

And if I ever see as I wait for a cure

They will be standing I’ll be proud as they’ll gleam

Now for the windows

Are they clean? Who knows?

And for the part I dread

Hunting for that blooming cobweb

Trying not to smash the lights

Giving the spiders their last rights

One final kiss

Up the tube

Did I miss?

So funny should be on UTube

Time to change the beds

Now matching pillowcases needing creams not reds

As for the bathrooms

Oh yes, those lovely loo’s

Gosh I have the blindie blues

I clean the mirrors

What the heck for?

Because I’m proud that’s what for

Just because we can’t see

Doesn’t say dirt sticks to me

This is the life

 Of a blind housewife

STATS FOR AUGUST 2014

 OK a little early, but here they are. We had a couple of new countries this month, I didn't know if there were any left? We are now up to about 50 countries, so I guess a few more to go? () Thank you all again. Here are the  top ten Viewing countries.

United Kingdom	27870
United States	14604
Russia	1962
Germany	1372
Ukraine	1205
Mexico	633
Japan	599
France	253
Canada	225
China	138

THE COLOURS OF BLINDNESS

Another late one, where are the days going? I am sitting in my small living room and the sun again is shining as I can feel it through the window. My canary, Irish, is very quiet today I don’t like it. On my knee apart from my lap top, I have sloppy balls, a ring and a bone. The smell of rubber is gross.

They are my dogs toys.

My little Wagga thinks it is fun to pile them all on top of Mummy and perhaps she will play with her? Hehehe. Whilst typing? I will have to soon as she is now annoying old Black beauty. She’s not much better but hasn’t cried today so far.

My Son has enrolled in college. Really pleased for him. He is doing math too. As well as the second year of his tech course.

I was awake till after three this morning. I wanted to write as I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. Just such dark thoughts and the colour black I could see and hated with this awful blur on my eye still really bothering me. I have done some internet research and think I know what it is but will wait till next week to find out at the big hospital. I am in two minds about getting tested for genetics. I wonder why? What is the point, only to be upset by having to tell them I’m adopted? I can’t take the pain of that, even though I am so glad I never was brought up by the horrible people who threw me away.

Some days I feel like an uprooted tree with all my roots above the soil. Revealed to the world and elements.

Partly my fault.

I wanted so badly to write, but just couldn’t. I sometimes wish I could get a break and be discovered and published. The views on the blog page are really amazing and I am so very grateful as makes my world a better place, the comments I receive are wonderful too to know that someone somewhere is getting help in some way from these blogs. Some days I wonder what help or how? Oh my Hub went mad at a blog I wrote the other day. Called RP true story…. It wasn’t good. Hahah.a. He wouldn’t read till the end and told me that was the kind of blog people would slit their wrists to?

I did say it got better, but he wouldn’t read on.

 

My friend in Mexico has just got home from enormous surgery. My word, she has been through the mill and how strong she is, she is the great oak tree.

Well, my handy man is not here yet. Oh I begged him to come today this morning, and he said he would, so please?

My Hub is seeing his daughters on Sunday. I must spend time seeing what they can do? If up to Hub, he would take them for lunch and that is it, but it would be nice to give them some fun? I know they are just here to see their Dad, but I don’t want them being bored. I am not going but have bought gifts for them.

This afternoon I have been ironing. Lovely. All the whites I took ages to find put in the washing machine and only find when removing two little socks black. From my Son. I asked my neighbour if the whites were still so, she said yes. Thank goodness for that. It was all of Hubs work shirts and my white t shirts.

I have done the normal things around the house.

Had a read at the headlines of the world news and really, it’s all the same. Killing an people trying to be in control of what isn’t theirs.

So jog on and try to find some positive news.

Two hours later, still looking? Hahaha.

 

God, I must move again and do some more. Sometimes I wonder if there is glue on my chair?

I will go and have a chat with our canary as he is too quiet.  Then tea time. Teen wants tuna pasta, and I have sausages for Hub. Me? Not sure. Normally I try to do all of us the same but me without meat, but today am different. Teen is still out he said he would be back for tea though. If not it will keep.

More letters to try to read later. I wish there was an ap for the IPhone that would tell us what the letters say?

We have been told in the UK this year we will have the coldest winter but driest? Well on a night, the skies are practicing as its blooming freezing, but through the day still nice, and we can’t complain about this summer as it’s been beautiful.

Oh so much is going on in life and all out of my control. How to get a grip on life again? Any advice? If someone was to ask me that question, I would say

“Wake up in the morning, before getting out of bed, ask yourself

“Do I really want to do that? If not, don’t.

Hmm. Sounds easy, but it’s not right? My old oak friend always tells me to surround myself with happy thoughts and happy people. That’s lovely if you have them and know who they are? Hehehe. I told my boys yesterday that there is a new house rule, no more negative thoughts or words. Let’s see how long we can do this? As we are our life and in a lot of cases, only we can do what we want to do. I don’t mean going out or doing the job we want, just in normal life skills. Teen does what he wants most days; I guess that is what being a teen all is about? If I could do what I want, it would be something like this, but remember they can’t be miracle things, as that would be totally different. I’m talking about real life without sight. And how my stupid mind works.

I would wake up with the three of us around the breakfast table. We would talk laugh and enjoy a delicious breakfast. Then we would all go out for the day for a pick nick on a river boat and to the beach for a Fish and Chip supper, well, me without the fish. If it rained, cinema? But in the real world, what teen wants to be with their parents? A shame really, as they are so long without their Mum and Dad. God I really am missing my Dad of late and I’m not sure why?  

If a miracle dawn occurred, then I would see. I would wake up to the colours of my bedroom walls, see what the weather was like out from my window, cook breakfast, all eat and I would love just looking at everything, seeing what was on my plate, look into my Sons eyes and see life, look in to my handsome husbands eyes and see him looking back at me, wow, to see? Then I would be slow at looking around the house as I left, the colours, colour in my life at last and then going on our river boat, but I would drive rather than relying on public transport. I would see trees, flowers, happy faces ducks and the ripples on the water. I would see freedom.

 

I would go shopping on my own, clothes shopping, wow, to see clothes again? To have a choice and pick things up rather than going on what others say, I would tell myself what looked good. Mind you, I may not like what I see in the mirror? Hehehe.

OK for now, will chat later, have a lovely weekend. X

ONE FROM EARLIER

Hi Bloggets. Today the sun is shining brightly, there is a spot in our lounge on the floor and all three dogs are laying in it. How cute? I have beasty girl LC today as her Daddy is doing more interviews at work trying to get his posts all full. For sure there are lots of jobs going since he took over the office? I have lost count now in how many he is employing, but they will be good as he is really fussy, but all the better for the public who use his company he works for

My picture now will be hung up tomorrow, so three weeks since I started to ask for our handy man to come out, the trouble is, he’s not a handy man, but an electrician and he doesn’t need money now as he is doing so well with his company and it’s his own business. So fingers legs and eyes crossed tomorrow my tiger will be hung up. I am so afraid that one of us sits on him, the tiger not the handy man, hehehe. As we have him on the bed right now, the spare bed. I say him, but it is a she. Nanya. As for the joiner he never came. Not surprised, he’s dreadful, so unreliable.

I have been out with friends today to buy a card for my lovely friend like. It’s his birthday in a couple of days. Cards cost a fortune now days, really I don’t know why, but having said that, this one is a real beauty and perfect for our friend. I loved it and my friend said it was meant to be as it was the only one like it in the rack. We went to three shops to find the perfect one.

He is proud of his garden, he has a dog and he loves to listen to sport on his radio, so it’s a pop out card of a wheelbarrow and in the barrow, there is a radio, dog and loads of other things like a flask a little bird welly’s and plants. It’s so lovely.

 

I have half an hour before tea should be ready, but I really really can’t be bothered with it? I have to but God, I wish I could just put on my shoes and go for a meal, but sadly, can’t. I have done no housework today, but again I will have to at least run the vacuum over the floors and see to the kitchen before cooking. Same old same old.

 

Teen loved the chicken dish I made the boys though, said it was the best meal he had since he left last week. And to be fare it was easy, because I went to the shop and bought everything for the recipe and put it on a shelf in the fridge separate from everything else. That is the nightmare about cooking when blind, finding things to make a home cooked meal. The packet of sauce mix, in a cupboard with other packets, what is what? The meat that may be in the freezer, all looks the same, well, feels the same and the right herbs not to say if a tin should go into it, well, tins and me don’t get on. I buy them with good intention, but then they all go together and we have a woopsy moment.

 

Not too long now to see if Scotland will be separated from the rest of the UK. It’s bad really, the Scottish people can vote, the English who live there can vote, but we can’t vote in England and the Scottish people who live in England also can’t vote. If Scotland and UK are involved, why can’t we all have a say?

 

Honestly, if we can’t get on how can we expect world peace?

 

Alex Salmon, the fool who is voting for independence is really not a man to be trusted. He is so rude. I watched him on a debate the other night on our TV and he was interrupting the other person who was opposing his decision to go independent from the UK. To not allow someone to talk without interrupting, just shows what kind of person he is. I mean, small children are taught not to interrupt people, he was a total idiot, an yet, the Scottish people in a latest poll, are for him? I just can’t see it happening, but if Scotland does leave the UK, it will be a real shame as Great Britain will be a spelk in the woodwork. Mind you, having said that, our country in my option is going down the toilet as we speak. Too many immigrants who are here illegally. Pay nothing for education their children, nothing for taxes or the national health. Our little island will sink. A taxi driver was telling Hub the other day, there is a town not far from here where there were no English people and all the shops were of foreign descent. Schools and religious buildings were all non-English. See, if I lived abroad, I would not demand Christian schools for my children and have to attend their places of worship if I wanted to pray. I have huge respect for those who live here who dress like we do, speak English and live in our shoes. Same as I would if I lived in their country. Am I racist? No, for example the young lad who has been shot dead in America, it’s horrible, because he is black? Disgraceful. Horrible I feel so sad for his family. My Sons friend is a lovely lad and he is black. But he talks lovely better English than me and attends a college where all different religions and ethnic backgrounds attend. He is the same as us to me, but there is a huge problem in the UK with immigrants who are here illegally, I guess this is what Scotland are against and they may feel if they come away from the UK, they will be able to stop that? Perhaps they will be able to, but that shouldn’t be the only reason to do this and I can’t really think of why else they will want such a change? It will be odd having to use our passport to go into Scotland, sad really. I think we will know more in a week?

 

My BB is still unwell. But she is walking better. I am taking her back to the vet next week, the third time. I am so very sad about it all. I ache thinking this is her last few months with us. I am sure it’s not her hips and thinks it’s her stomach, but the vet won’t listen to me. She is crying a bit in the morning but mainly at nights. She is fine when standing but as soon as she lies down, crying again.

  

OK, will leave you all in peace now. I hope you have all had good day? For me? Not at all as we are having a painful nightmare with Teen. He just doesn’t get why we shouldn’t pay his extortionate phone bill. £387 was took from our bank last week and we didn’t know who took that, but it was a direct debit. I phoned up the bank and they told me the company where teen’s phone is from. Well we pay monthly for his phone, but only £30. On our holiday he ran up a bill so deer texting and phoning someone and now this? Well, not our problem and I do know it will clear him out of his bank account, but we did tell him to not text. But as everything, it’s our fault. Such is life.

Just if you are going on a cruise? Be careful as you are not in Europe when at sea, as we tried to tell teen, but we know nothing…

Not earning makes my life very difficult! Stress and heart ache. X

RP TRUE STORY

Good day Bloggets.

After a long weekend in the UK, a lovely break, back to work today. I have loved my weekend with my Husband. We never get bored with each other. Bored with life and other people at times, but not one another.

Today our Son is back. What time not sure, but he phoned a couple of times yesterday and a pleasant conversation told me he enjoyed his music festival though not the bands/groups he would normally watch. I think he did all the cooking and putting up and taking down the tent and the person he was with, drove them there and back.

He met up with his friends too so that was good for him.

It’s really odd this year away in comparison to last year. Oh when he went last year, I was truly ill. He was 16 and in my opinion, far too young to be sleeping in a tent among drunks, druggy’s and not all good people. It’s not like I could pick him up in the car if it all went wrong. This is the guilt I have I can never take him places like other parents, but as Hub said, he is the most confident teen we know because of this, nothing bothers him, trains, busses or flights/airports. He can walk into a new job or new class without any fears. We worked hard to get him this way, and it is so much better for him, but I am sure he will hold that against us in the future, because we couldn’t ever take him places. Though in fairness, that is one, and only one thing he hasn’t thrown at us.

 

Last year, I didn’t sleep the whole time he was away. It was the worst rain I have ever known whilst he was away too with thunder and lightning and it was on the news that a few people young lads had been found dead there.

Thank someone; he was OK this year and last. He is older this year and so much taller and he kept in contact every day. What a difference that made.

I still did the silly thing of going into his bedroom on a morning and just standing for a couple of seconds, so I did miss him, but wasn’t devastated like in the past. I am sure this is a good sign as I know I love him too much and it’s so unhealthy for me. My heart for sure has really suffered in the past 20 months.

 

I think he has a week before he is back at college. So more money to find for his bus pass. I did hope he would have a car by now, but because of a very greedy person, sadly that has had to be put on hold. Also to be honest, I think my boy has to learn to be a bit more careful before I could relax with him being behind a wheel, as he has had about four crashes on his push bike the past few months and I did go through a stage when I was sure he had my eye condition as it was daylight when these accidents occurred.

But what to do, he won’t go and see about his sight, and I guess who can blame him? I really wouldn’t either; he is doing what I did for most of his life, burying head in sand.

If he passes this curse onto his children, well, let’s hope there is a cure in the future. I said to a friend on line today RP stands for real pain and it does.

It’s the cancer of the blind world.

You are told you have Retinitis Pigmentosa and though you can see now, you will end up blind one day. You never really know when it’s going to happen. When it’s going to kill you. And for me it almost killed me. A huge part of me died.

To wake up hearing your baby shouting for you in the dark and there not being any lights or anyone to help you or hear your screams, is unbearable.

I was reading small print the   night before I went to bed and woke up blind.

No light switches worked. Curtains were open but the skies told me it was the end of the world.

My helpless hand held in front of me wasn’t even a shadow.

The walk to my baby’s room was a route I had never done before. I had never felt this cold pain in my life though a very tough life I had experienced for such a young person.

I found the black handle to my Sons room. The black door opened not to allow any light, and my little boys giggles ripped out my heart.

His smile I would never see again.

His love in his eyes.

His tiny hands reaching up to me I would never know about.

How would I dress him?

Feed him?

Measure his bottles of milk?

Bath him?

Change him?

I mean know what colours I was putting on him. I was the kind of Mum who was obsessed by matching colours. Socks little hats and clothes all had to be the same colours or at least two colours that went so well together.

But this was the least of my problems, but that was that days problems, not to mention the fact I didn’t know the time. I had lived in a sighted world though had little sight, never had any equipment for blind people never wanted to admit I would be one day in the darkness and my destiny would be so different to any kind of life I knew it to be.

Yes I went to a school for the blind until I was 12, but then went onto a school for partially sighted and being blind or short of sight was never a topic and with my Mum living her life to fight for my sight, blindness was not on the map for me. To be honest, I can see positive thinking, but looking back what a big mistake it was. I advice people now with RP, to learn Braille, close their eyes and do tasks.

But I also say to them that there is a chance now days that there may be help in their life time. For me as a child, there was nothing apart from the treatment I was given in Russia for 16 years

And as soon as I stopped going, my eyesight deteriorated, but I still could see and I can honestly say I never thought I would be blind, though subconsciously, I did wait for the inevitable, as I was told or my Mum was when I was about four, that I could go to bed sighted and wake up blind. And my God, I did just do that. Though since then, medics told me that would never happen as its gradual. Yeah, right.

So the cancer is growing and one day will happen. For me I was too afraid to live. I wanted to die not because I wanted to face death, but I didn’t know how to live. I couldn’t breathe. I contacted all the right organisations, but received cold painful uncaring words from them. No help and sadly the life my parents lived for me, ended theirs as they died within six months after my dark day began.

 

Each day I woke normal. Within half a second I was kicked in the stomach. Grabbed by two fork like hands at each side of my head and rake like fingers dug into my skull.  I was lifted from the bed and thrown back down. Left there alone to wonder how I was going to see to my child that day in such a state. But never did I let him see my tears. Never did anyone see me cry. Apart from my ex, who equally was devastated for me, though sadly didn’t understand the pain I felt or understood how I was going to manage either without any support even from him.

No one will ever know the life I had after my blindness, but I can say, though now days I am sick of RP, real pain, I am fed up with waking up each day to the same view, but I do, and I have done things in my life I never thought were possible. Life is tough, on our own, but now I’m not on my own, and that is the difference.

I have my Husband who is amazing, leaves me feeling quite inadequate at times, not because of any fault of his but because I should have done more when I was younger to live in this world, my destiny.

But is it my destiny?

Will I ever see? I can tell you I still look at the latest news on cures/treatments for my eye disease, but I’m not obsessed now, though please let me see again? But I’m no longer dying, it took ten years until I met my now Husband to learn how to live as a blind person in the sighted world, and it’s hard, painful, cruel but I can do it. I have no choice. I didn’t kill myself some years ago when my baby was one, because of him. How could I leave my boy my only blood like the oven that gave birth to me did? No way, I worship my Son and I still do. Each time he is horrible to me, it breaks my heart, as how I felt when I did loss my sight was so strong for him and I believe I had to live for him, so how can he talk to me in such a way now? Think of me the way he does? I hope it is a nasty stage and he will get over himself? The girl he wants to marry, will never like me why? Not really sure, but that is her loss, as I am a good Mum no matter what she thinks or my Son. I gave him my life and lived for him. I wanted him to have everything I never had and gave him everything I did have. He went horse riding, ice skating, learned to play tennis,  joined a football team, went swimming lessons, learned Karate, joined  beavers, cubs and scouts as well as Hub and I showing him lovely places in the world, like wonderful America, Norway, Japan and the Caribbean. We paid for him to go to Germany when he was thirteen with his school and gave him a huge amount of money when he was 16 that I had saved from he was a baby. That was a mistake, but we didn’t know that at the time. I love my boy, no one who criticises me will ever know how much and why, even these words don’t say, but when others tell me what I should do when he is hurting me, only I can walk in my own shoes.

I guess I dream of a life in the future when my Son and Daughter in law will come for Sunday dinner or we all go out for a picnic, or I visit them in their house, baby sit their child and have wonderful happy Christmases together. That at the moment isn’t going to happen and I am aching and I am being punished for what though? I really don’t know. And you know what? I now am passed the heart break, and whoever is working to break me, almost won, but I have fought with bigger bears than you and come out the winner, and I shall win again to tell another story.

For those who live in fear of blindness, for those who like me have always been afraid of the darkness, I am hear to hold your hand, don’t feel alone and know you can do it, you can reach out and find your way in life. And let’s hope one day we can all turn on the light together, but in the meanwhile, learn you can, have belly laughs again, I promise. They don’t happen oftern, but let’s face it, how many sighted people do you know who are truly happy? I can honestly say, I don’t know any? But I can also tell you that when my blind friends and I get together, we are real, we laugh we love and we are us.

Yes, RP can stand for real pain, but it’s not RP for repeated prescription, as we don’t always need pills in our lives to make us walk, talk, laugh, hear wonderful music, learn be educated and leave the prison we wake up to each day. We are RP, restricted people, but we are also RP real people.

DAY WITH MY AUNT

 OK, at last, my day with my crazy mad much loved aunt.

So she is getting better, only took her two years, but at last she knows my address now without phoning me for it? So the taxi arrived and in she walked with mad Wagga attacking her and BB interested in her pockets and bags. She always brings the three dogs treats. Bless her she brought us some too, but sadly, naughty Wagga got there first and demolished more coffee beans for Hub. What is it with that dog and coffee beans? Oh my God, they sent her mental, so what would they do to me? Hahaha. Thank God we caught her before she ate her way through the other goodies. Well, the coffee beans worked straight away. She was jumping all over the place, Wagga that is, not my Aunt.

 

Then Wagga ran upstairs and from half way up, she dived on my aunt and scratched all the way down her arm making it bleed. Then clicked all her new top. Oh she was embarrassing. Again, Wagga, not my Aunt, it was her, turn later…

 

Well, I was going to take Wagga to our Lewis’s restaurant, but because she was so badly behaved, I left her at home. Now God knows if she did something to poor BB on our outing, but BB has been a little poor on her feet since. I know I caught her jumping over BB’s back on a few occasions.

 

My Aunt told me there was some dog hair in the corners of our conservatory, so out came the vacuum… She puffed and panted whilst I died with shame. Then later on, her friend sent pictures of their own house, the friend she lives with was cleaning behind her sofa and sent photographs through the mobile phone to my Aunt. As my aunt told me of the pictures, my shame tamed somewhat. Two pairs of slippers, a bag of books, a box of chocolates, a tin of paint and six plastic bags to name just a few things, so I think some dog hairs are acceptable? This is the thing, when sighted people come to our house, they will tell you of the smallest thing, as we can’t see. But they need to look at their own houses? Hahaha.

 

My aunt told me that my latest gardener again had not done the job he should have done. She told me of the weeds, an yet didn’t pick any of them for us… So OK, again, done by another gardener. What is it with gardeners not being honest?

So now what? Do we get him back, or look again? Honestly.

 

So off to our restaurant. It’s really good through the day, only £6 each and it’s lovely. OK, there was a very posh car I can’t remember what kind of car, but my Aunt shouted to a man as she peered through the windows, as though to steal it and hot rod it to joy ride.

“Woohoo. Is that your lovely car?

There was no answer, she danced around excited by the machine that was parked in front of us. I asked her what the person said and she replied nothing, he’s on the other side of the road, miles away. So why did she think it was his? In a loud voice, she answered

“Those kind of cars always belong to fat balding men…

Oh God. This was going to be a long day? Hahaheheh.

 

 Well, in we walked, my aunt asked again in the restaurant whose car that was outside? Again no one admitted to it. Lewis was lovely as ever. We ordered and then it was time for my Aunt to go to the toilet, oh God…

Bless her; she did try to be discrete. Whispering to Lewis

“Do you have a toilet?”

He laughed and told her he didn’t hear her.

“Do you have a toilet?”

A little louder this time. And then Lewis replied

“Oh, I didn’t hear you first time. Aunt said

“Well, I was trying to be subtle?

Lewis did laugh, rather loudly as did my Aunt…..

Then the best thing?

He walked away laughing

I looked at my Aunt, in disbelief. And asked, so is there a toilet, or not? She said I don’t know, but I’m bursting…. Oh God.

So Lewis came back, and Aunt

“So Lewis, are you going to tell me if you have a toilet?”

Lewis

“Yes, we do!” He laughed and went off again.

My Aunt then shouted to him to come back.

She said where is it? He said what? Hahahahaha. Oh God all mighty, this was too much. By this time, the people on the next table were laughing. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Louis ended up taking her by the hand, like a little girl; bless him he is so sweet, but not entirely connected.

We had a lovely meal, and left. Still not knowing whose car it was? Hahah.

 

Then to the bus stop. It was really great I could direct a sighted person without her knowing where to go to the bus stop and even know when it was time to get off.

 

She had a fit when she found out she had left hersigaretts at home. Oh God, no, would Wagga end up smoking them too? What with those, and the coffee all she needed after that was whisky?

Well, my Aunt had palpitations when she had no tobacco. I said it was better she didn’t have them. She didn’t agree. Well, we had to hunt our historical city to find a blooming place that would sell cigarettes.

We did at last find a place, and in front of other people in the queue, and the man selling us them, she turned to me and in a loud voice said

“Well our Fiona, I don’t have to murder you now?”

She wasn’t joking either…. It’s northern humour. Haha.

 

OK, then outside to find a secret hole to smoke the dreaded weed. And not out of my garden. Then she told me of a knight who was in his costume with a sword and a child getting his photograph taken. My aunt went to where the Knight was and shouted

“Oo’oo’oo

Chunky legs!”

I thought she was talking to the child? You know when they can have thick little legs if they are chubby babies? Oh no, she went on.

“F’o’ogh wow. Yes, yes, please? Oo’oo’oo. You are lovely.

Oh heck.  She was talking to the poor young man.

She is by the way, in her seventies.

I asked her what his reaction was when she was fancying him? She said he just looked with a serious expression and wiggled one eyebrow up and down. Hahahaha. Poor guy is probably still in therapy.

Well, then into M & S…. I’m not sure M&S were ready to be Auntied.

OK, so we took a trolley. I pushed she guided.

Em

Not quite.

Before I knew it, I was being chased by an assistant. Hahehehehe.

I Didn’t know she had left go of the trolley.

She was talking to someone; I heard her and learned she was having a row with the self service till.

I swear she was waiting for an answer?

So the lady told me I had walked by the till and hadn’t paid. But she was lovely when she learned I was blind. After my lovely Aunt almost blew the till up, the lady helped us. As we left with our shopping, the lady laughed and asked if we needed a Learner sign for our trolley? I told the lady we needed something, and then Aunt asked where we should park the unwanted trolley. Well, another story, but a funny one.

Moving on, she wasn’t happy to go home, until I quote

“We got lost.

Well we found some great interesting things and had a brilliant day. As she got off the busses she had to say

“Thank you Mr. Driver….

Hehehe. I am not sure if people thought she had me out for the day, or I had her on day release?

Home safe back to a hiper dog who hadn’t smoked Aunts cigarettes thank God and tea with Hub. My small family. My dearest relative the only one I have left that I know of. Apart from my Son. Who was out with someone for that day.

 

Where would we be without eccentric people? Mad aunts, wearing purple and crazy expressions. Love her.

 

 

SUNDAY DIARY

 Hi, how are you all today? We have been cooking today. We made a chicken casserole for Hub and our Son as when he comes home from his festival; he will be ready for a good meal, as can’t imagine he has had that many vitamins since he has been away. For me I made sweetcorn soup. It smells so lovely. So easy to make too.

A bag of frozen sweetcorn

1 potato grated

Garlic

Half a grated onion

5 grated mushrooms

Herbs salt peppercorns

2 stock cubes and corn flour

And half a pot of double cream at the end.

For the casserole,

3 chicken breasts

1 onion

1 pepper green

Mushrooms

Garlic

A packet of casserole mix and water salt and pepper

 

Both will be eaten tomorrow with potatoes and carrots for the boys. I must say the smell is delightful. Our neighbours will think we are professional cooks? Hahheheheh.

 

My boy found out the news about his phone bill today. He took it well, though bless him, I’m sure he will be wondering about it how he will pay? I mean, it will clear him out for sure for spending money. We feel bad for him but we did tell him not to text as would be deer as it’s not Europe it’s a ship.

 

It’s going to be the coldest driest winter for many years, one of the coldest on record. Now that they have said that, it will turn out to be very warm/mild and wet… hehehe.

 

Hub and I have had a lovely weekend. I love my man. Just being together and relaxing. He is the best thing to have happened to me within the past five years or so. Our Son before that.

 

My dear BB, is a tiny bit better, but not quick enough for my liking.

 

The birds in our garden are making the loveliest sounds whilst singing. They are eating the berries and they sing so well. The sun is shining but it’s not warm.

The birds are going mad on our conservatory roof. They are brave as we are both just sitting here. I’m sure one is knocking to come in? Next door are eating in their garden. I would think with their jumpers on?

 

The countdown is happening for my trip to the big eye hospital. Dread dot com.

 

My boy has one more night at his festival and then either home or at someone’s house for a night, not sure yet, but I bet he has been freezing camping? He spoke today on the phone and he sounded shattered. He told me he was at a silent disco last night.

 What?

 Well, they wear earphones and dance….

Can you imagine what they look like to onlookers?

As long as he is happy and he met up with his friends so that is great for him. It’s not too long before he is back at college. How this summer has flown?

 

Hub has sport on the radio. He loves it. It’s foreign to me.

 

Odd thing, for two nights, I have had dreams about my Dad. I have never dreamt about my Dad, not ever. When he first died, I had nightmares that there was a conspiracy and he wasn’t dead, but he was not in them like the past couple of nights. And he is talking to me, but when I wake up, I can’t remember what he said?

 

I miss my parents so very much and Hub and I also miss his Mum too. How lucky my friends are who still have their parents. If only they knew? When they are gone, there is no going to see them, picking up the phone or hearing their voices again.

X was so lucky, he had his parents till they were really old and x was about 54 too as he is years older than me. I was only 30 when mine died. Too young.

 

I hope Hub and I out live our parents? As Hub was 42 when his Mum died a couple of years ago and she was 71.

My parents were both in their seventies.

 

But they are not birth parents, so not sure how old the other two are. They were not good people so I bet they live until they are a hundred? They say the good die young, it’s true. I think I will turn nasty, then may live longer? Hahaha.

 

OK, off to eat tea now, Hub cooking it for me. Hmm. It smells so good. A cosy night in front of the telly, I hope there is something on as TV has been rubbish so far this summer. One good thing about autumn, TV gets better.

 

No work tomorrow, Bank holiday. Great.

Thank you for your comments of late on my blogs. Love to hear from you. Xxx

A CHANGE FOR SURE

Hi Bloggets. Today my Black beauty got out of her bed with difficulty, but once up she was loads better. We got them ready to go to the vet, them, as in LC and BB. The car came and in the taxi she got with ease. Only £7 there today, but the daft company had us returning at 11.55pm. OK, so what do we do at the vets until midnight? Very odd.

 

Well, we were seen by a nice vet, I have never seen the same vet more than once and we have been going there for two years. I don’t like that. Anyway, she cut her nails, this made my teeth hurt. Not that I was asked to bite them, but the thought and sound of the clippers snapping through those tough stubborn nails, uu’uu’uu’uugh

 

Anyway, I am delighted to say she is looking a lot better. And you know when you, or your dog has some condition, so after then no matter what is wrong with you or your dog, it obviously has to be that previous illness? Well, I’m so not convinced it is her hip displacier, spelt wrong. I told the vet this as I did the other day, they go

“Hmm. I will give her an injection or keep up the tablets for her arthritis!”

In other words, it is that as that is easy to diagnose. Also we can get as much money as medication is very deer for that condition

I mean it could be that, but what about other things, like a pulled muscle as she did walk a long way last week? Never mind, she is a lot better.

 

Taxi home and after a cup of tea and a play with the dogs, we then harnessed them up, well, not BB, but Wagga and LC and off we walked to our restaurant to see our Lewis. Oh it was great, and he is so lovely, he met us at the door, and in the room we went. Now, was it empty? No, just everyone was silenced, as really, how on earth do blind people manage, how did we get there?  Why would we want to eat? In fact, why even bother coming out of the house and how on earth does Lewis guide us? Oh they make me mad. Hub laughs at them, but I feel so angry, really, it’s our eyes that don’t work, not our minds, hearts and feelings.

As soon as we are in our seats, safe away from others, the talking starts. It’s stupid.

The meal is really cheap through the day and we enjoyed it so much. We came the long way home to give the girls a longer walk.

 Teen text he was at the gf’s dad’s house for a shower….. Then back to the festival.

 

So must do our floors then a coffee with Hub in our conservatory, just a nice chilled day. But the best news is my loving dog is getting better. Oh I was so worried.

 

Looking forward to a nice weekend with my love and girls.

 

Today our Russian friends leave the UK. On their next venture to another country. I saw my friend Olga for three short times. In three months, but she was busy and has a new life now with her new family. My dear D has moved on in life and new Russians sadly have different lives to me. I have not moved on I am me and even if I won the lottery, I would still be me. My Son began to change last year as his gf family have a lot of money, but I think he knows what is real and right and of course he would love money, but not plastic money, but real notes and coins.

 

My friend Vivi has had a fall out with her friend. She has been friends with her all her life, well since they were three. Long story, but sad that people change. My friend Olga and I have been friends since I was 22, so 11 years? Hehehehehe. OK, 12.

 

Really a bit longer than that. She was a pretty young Russian from beetroot soup and dumpling days. Now it’s fine caviar and the best champagne. I’m sure she doesn’t like the new Russian way, but it is a trap she has found herself in. I just hope to God, though I am not friends with God right now, so for want of a better expression, her and her Son will work hard and keep their old values and one day they will return and my friend’s baby will grow up with love and what’s right? As he is so beautiful, so cute and his Daddy’s prodigy. His Daddy was a wonderful soul, but he wanted free from the old way of life and forced his way to a new world, the new world of money talking, all singing and dancing lifestyle, but in my heart, he will always be my darling little D. I can’t look at the new man. It’s not who I watched grow up in his very hard difficult life, he is a shell and I hope he learns a lot from this visit to the UK. Money isn’t everything, family and love is. Money will buy you best hospitals, but not loving people around you to look after you. Money can run out, but love can’t. I hope my Son also learns this lesson, mind you; one thing is my Son is not spoilt. He pays his own way, having said that, how he will pay his latest phone bill, is beyond me? May be his Father will pay his bill for him???????

He sent 661 texts when we were on holiday for a week and we have paid his bill of £387. We did warn him not to make so many texts, but he knew better.

 

Well, he’s kept in touch this weekend and I am relaxed he has done that, no worries. He is also having a nice time, though doesn’t seem to be as happy as last year’s festival. He loved that as all his musical heroes were there as this year there is nothing but rubbish from what I can gather. Funny my friend Di’s Husband went to pick their daughter up from the festival brought her home to get a shower. I was saying to Hub, funny how times have changed? At one time, kids never bothered about being showered, but now they are so clean, this is good.

 

OK, just chatting about rubbish I’m sure you will think, I guess there is some purpose to this blog?

No?

Oh well have to try harder next time, haha. Enjoy your weekend and come back soon as my blog on my mad aunt will be one to read, bless her she’s great and totally crazy. Xx